Kiss N Tell Confessions

My Cat From Hell

2012-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

My grandmother mentioned the show on Animal Planet "My Cat From Hell." She said it was amazing how this man could solve such problems. A part of me knew what I would think when I watched it... What the Hell is wrong with people? I don't feel that cats are that difficult to understand. People tend to disregard what is so obvious (to me) and attribute their misbehavior as spiteful, or mean, or aggressive.

Like someone asked me if I hit Harley when she peed in my bed. NO! I picked her up and took her to the litter box, and asked her, "What is wrong with you?" She purred at me. The next day I made a vet appointment immediately. Why would I hit her? She didn't do that to be spiteful... she did it because something was wrong. Do you hit a sick child? It turned out that she was in heat, and she was a marker. I got her fixed and we've had no further problems.

I've had two friends with cat-pee issues, and in both cases I was correct that the cats were sick. A cat does not pee outside of the box unless something is wrong. Their survival depends on not showing pain, so they will not sit and whine at you like a dog. But they need to tell you, and this is one way.

I've become very anti-declawing. Once I found out what it truly entailed, I was horrified. I will never have another cat declawed as long as I live. I will never advocate it to anyone who mentions it. Declawing is maiming and torturing the cat to protect your possessions. My sister-in-law said that cats have a higher pain tolerance. Don't dare imply to me that cats don't feel the same pain as you and I. I firmly believe "their survival depends on not showing pain," and this does not make it OK to hurt them.

I do have to say that a story I saw today on the show was incredibly heartwarming. The woman of the house clicker trained her dog and her boyfriend's cat. The host, Jackson, was brought to tears because he said that this reminded him of all the cats he's worked with at shelters, who were put down because no one wanted them because they were afraid; this cat was a success story and wasn't going to have to go to a shelter and to be put down. The cat, Marco, went from being terrified and striking out, to happy and engaged. It was so fun to watch him sit for a treat.

One of the things I LOVED was what Jackson said, "The house needs to be catified." People add cats to their household without knowledge of what cats need or want to be happy. I have one cat tree, and I would really like to have more if they weren't so ugly and expensive. Cats need places that are theirs alone, and places they are allowed to scratch.

This $25.00 card board scratcher is a good example of something that is just theirs. They can do to it whatever they want. When I saw how much they liked this thing, it made me want to buy ten of them! I have nearly weaned CK off scratching the sofa and onto this. Bandit likes it too.

The other thing cats need is height. I think it is important to understand that some cats will climb. If there is a way to get onto the highest thing possible, CK will go there. I remember the day I looked up and he was on top of the kitchen cabinets, watching me.

One tip I would give cat owners is to have toys, and to be aware that what you consider trash may be a good temporary toy. For instance, I let them have toilet paper rolls and paper towel rolls. They bat them around, and Bandit likes to chew them. Boxes and paper bags make great hiding places. When those toys become old, put them in the recycle bin. I don't let my cats go outside, so this is a form of environmental enrichment for them. If you do not give them appropriate stimulation, they will find their own. A bored cat is a bad cat.

My little family is not perfect all the time, but I like to think I have catered to each cat's personality. They don't just live with me, we live together.

Drive Through Mailboxes

2012-01-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

My yard borders the bank of mailboxes that serve our street of townhouses. The sidewalk beside my yard has a very low, rounded curb. Recently, someone has decided that the mailboxes should be drive-through mailboxes. He is driving on the sidewalk. I suppose that wouldn't be so bad... except that now he is driving in my grass and leaving ruts. Every time I walk over to get my mail, I see that it is worse and worse, and I am becoming angrier and angrier.

So went to the store today and bought some temporary fencing and a post to mark where it is. I wanted a higher fence, but that one only came in green. I wanted white so that it is easily visible. The post has reflectors on it, in case someone wants to try this maneuver at night; they will have warning that the fence is there.

My hope is that since people don't want to damage their car, they will not run over the fence. Also, they might get the point that someone owns this ground and does not want them making ruts in their yard.

Damn it, if they wanted this to be a Drive Through, they would have put the mailboxes on the road! Stop driving on my grass! Sheesh.

I Hate My Car

2012-01-22T15:19:00.000-08:00

We had snow, and I sat on my butt yesterday and did nothing, waiting for it to melt. I should have shoveled, because today it was ice. Still, the temperature is going to go up tomorrow and all this will go away.

My trauma happened when I went to warm up the car... and it wouldn't start. It clicked a couple of times, then it didn't even make a sound. I called my Dad and he brought over the charger. We started it, I let it run awhile, then took it to the grocery store. I was terrified while I was in the store that the car would not start when I got back to it. But of course, it was fine.

About two winters ago, I got a new battery. Last winter, when I had a problem, Sears was little help. "The battery is fine." I was able to determine I had a drain on my battery because my electric lock was stuck down. I had known it was broken, but I didn't realize what it was doing. Once I pried it off with a screw driver and unplugged it, the problems stopped. Yes, I don't have an inside electric lock, but I still have the manual lock. So although it looks crappy, I'm not really impacted by the loss.

So my mind is whirling with, why did this happen now? One day of sitting should not have drained my battery. My lights were not left on. The only thing I could concede might happen is I could have left the trunk popped, because sometimes I hit the wrong button on the remote. (I never have gotten used to that thing.) But when I pulled on the trunk, it did not budge until I hit the button... so no, I don't think that happened either.

My dad left the charger in case I have another problem. I have jumper cables in the car. I am going to have my shop check it out. But in the meantime, all this worry is driving me crazy. I hate things I do not understand and cannot control. I don't trust my car anymore.

I want a new car, but I'm not sure I could afford it.

Moon Child

2012-01-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

I bought Moon Child, a 2003 film starring Gackt and Hyde (two J-Pop stars). As movies go, it was not one of the best, but I did enjoy it. There was too much that happened in the plot off-screen that made it confusing. The focus was more on the gangster action and the drama among the men than making a coherent plot. As far as vampires go, these were the most emo vampires, all woe is me. I could at least see why there weren't that many of them around... If they were all so self-hating with a death wish, they were probably offing themselves constantly.

Gackt got to wear gorgeous gangster clothes and run around shooting people. He had a death scene, which was both tragic and beautiful. One hopes to look that pretty spitting up blood and dying of a gunshot wound to the chest!

Some reviewers have said that you don't get a chance to care about the characters. I felt that I did, but it might have been transference from already being a fan. It wasn't like there was a question who the "hero" was. It felt like a "live by the sword, die by the sword" fable. I didn't understand why there had to be vampire in the tale at all. That plot point didn't make a lot of sense to me. There were times I thought I must have missed something.

I bought this to cater to my current obsession and it did that, so I am happy.

Am I an Obnoxious American Woman?

2012-01-15T16:29:00.001-08:00

Where will my reading take me next... I read a bunch of opinions about why Asian males don't date white women, and why American men prefer Asian women. I found out that I am (as a white American woman) fat, ugly, unfeminine, and confrontational. I appear to be down right obnoxious and vulgar. One "gentleman" even said that Canadian women are much more feminine and attractive than American women, because they don't have a chip on their shoulder about being cursed by being born a female. One Asian man said that only "mediocre" white women approached him. (Oh my, how dare they? What audacity is this? Should he beat them away with a stick? One wonders how many women actually approached him at all.)

I wish I hadn't read the posts that I have just read. I already had a suspicion that American women have a bad reputation. We have a tendency to be more forward. My mama raised me to take no crap. (OMG, is that too vulgar? lol.) But honestly, I was raised to have a mind of my own, think for myself, and speak my opinion. I learned that you get what you want by working for it, going for it, or asking for it. I don't believe my prince will come and save me from an ivory tower if I am pretty enough that he wants to kiss me awake from my horrible nightmare (likely meaning my virginity?) I also don't feel that I have to have a man to be complete. But if I wanted to date a certain man, I would ask him out, because should I wait and wonder and assume I don't measure up if he doesn't take the initiative? Or should I ask him out, and get my yes or no immediately, so that I can move on with my life? In the past, I have taken what is behind door number two.

As for being unfeminine...? The man who wrote that particular argument said women wore baggy boy's clothes. I don't know where he's been hanging out, but no one has ever mistaken me for a boy. I also don't think you have to wear skirts and high heels all the time to be feminine.

As for fat... I have not been what anyone would call "skinny" since I went through puberty. Even at my thinnest, when I could actually see ribs, I still had t & a . I will always struggle with my weight. Genetically and culturally, that is just a fact of life. Right now, I am working on weight for health reasons, not for looks. I've lost 12 pounds, and I am focusing on my next ten.

In books, movies, and on TV, I prefer strong female characters. My favorite female character in Final Fantasy: Advent Children was Yuffie, because she spoke her mind and asked "why not?" when she felt like it. I was surprised to find out that she was considered obnoxious for her tendency to be outspoken, which must be a cultural perception. What American women find normal might be considered inappropriate in other cultures. Unfortunately, those properly reserved women come across as weak and uninteresting to me.

As I'm writing this, I'm watching Milla Jovovich and Michelle Rodriguez kick zombie ass in Resident Evil. Is Alice not feminine? This was one of my favorite movies and I liked her a lot. There is no reason female characters can't be as strong and interesting as male characters, and there is no reason outspoken needs to be synonymous with obnoxious.

Birth Research

2012-01-12T07:47:00.001-08:00

Last night, I was doing research for my story, where my character has a baby. I've never had a baby, and I was curious about things like: how long does labor last? How long after your water breaks to do go into labor? How do they know when to tell you to push?

I came across a couple of websites by midwives. What I found made so much sense to me. They talked about the myth of the 10 centimeters and how a woman should not push until she feels that urge. They believe that a lot of what goes on in hospitals is not necessary, some of it is actually detrimental. They believe touching a cervix that is opening to release a baby can actually prolong or interfere with the process.

I have never had a baby, but I have heard stories from women who have. It always seemed to me that doctors and nurses were overly involved with the process. Why do you need to be told when to push? Don't our bodies know when? Whose benefit is this for, the woman, or the doctors? (Chop, chop, get that baby out!) Why do the women who don't know what is going on seem to have a easier time delivering? (Because no one is interfering with the natural process?)

I have watched cats have kittens, and female mice have their babies. No one checks their dilation and tells them when to push. They move around as the contractions happen, then lay still and seem to ripple... and out comes the babies! There was no screaming and pushing. As long as there are no complications, it all just seemed to flow. Why does human birth have to be so... rough?

According to the midwives, it doesn't have to be that way. What they said made so much logical sense to me! Hospitals have their place, because women and babies can die in childbirth, but a lot of that atmosphere seems needlessly intrusive and stressful in a situation that can already be scary.

Another Tangent

2012-01-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

Due to my extensive research on anything and everything Final Fantasy VII, I ran into repeated mentions of Gackt. Apparently quite famous in Japan, he was the inspiration for one of the characters in Crisis Core, Genesis.

So I went on YouTube and found a bunch of his videos. They are amazing. I know absolutely not a word of what he's saying, which is really awkward when you get a tune stuck in your head. I have to hum it because I cannot sing it! I had Redemption in my head all day, and now I can't stop dancing to Vanilla.

I was talking to a friend of mine, who happens to be Chinese, and he asked if Gackt was "effeminate." Oh, yes, he is very pretty. A comment from YouTube: "The awkward moment when the guy singing in the video is much more beautiful than the random dancing woman." I had to laugh, because next to him, she wasn't all that attractive.

He is also quite the showman. I have started to think of him as the Japanese David Bowie, who was pretty and ambiguous, a showman, and pushed the limits of the 70's. My friend pointed out that it was 40 years ago, and implied that it should stay that way. But I don't know. I liked Glam Rock. I liked the make-up and hair-dos of 80's heavy metal. Some of those boys also looked very pretty, like girls. I can't help but remember Sebastian Bach of Skid Row; long blond hair, make up, and pouty lips.

I love the contact lenses...

My friend dislikes effeminate Asian men. In real life, I like men who look like men. But in a show, where the whole point is to entertain, titillate, and enchant, I don't mind a man who wears make up and looks far prettier than most women.

And yes, he sings good too. I have his songs on my mp3 player. They are stuck in my head, even though I don't know what he's saying. As unusual as this seems, it isn't all that unusual for me. It makes me wonder why I just got into this now, instead of in the past, and it is all about the availability.

I can't wax to introspective right now because I'm tired... I set up my WiFi and I can now access my netbook from upstairs. The whole point was to wind down and go to sleep, and now I can sit in bed and surf, and read, and write, instead of sleep. I am off to watch more Gackt on YouTube. Enjoy whatever it is you are into today!

Old Journals and Writing

2012-01-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

I paged through some journals I had stored at work while I was moving. I took them in because I could keep them under lock and key, while here I was worried they might fall into the wrong hands. I feel pretty depressed. I am thinking of shredding the journals. They contain years worth of my stupidity. From my attempted relationship with Dave, to the intrigues at work, to meeting D. All my thoughts and feelings about what they said, what I thought I wanted, how I felt.

I don't think I will ever read those books again. I don't think anybody should. The past was a journey I had to go through to reach myself here, but I don't like what that mirror shows me. I was unhappy, desperate, and self-loathing. I did horrible things, carelessly. I'd like to think I am better than that now, but... maybe I'm not.

I brought the books home because I love the brand of notebook and wondered if I had any free pages. I reached the end of my last notebook while working on my Final Fantasy inspired sex-fic. I finally ordered more of the books online; I had been hesitating to do that because of their price. They are expensive, but they are worth it. Clairefontaine. I was going to go to Staples and look for other alternatives, but I might as well get what I like, what makes me happy.

I cannot always write on something electronic, so pen and paper are still the best alternative.

When I was speaking to my grandmother, she said something about children in schools are no longer being taught to write cursive. I wondered if that was a necessary skill in the age of texting and typing. I still write in my journals, and those are in cursive. I could print, I guess. My writing is actually an amalgam of printing and writing anyway, because I don't like all cursive letters. Will the next generation know how?

In one article I read, the author speculated that yes, kids will learn, but they will teach themselves. So it is a difference between teaching them the right way to do it, or letting them work it out for themselves. Unless you are trying to be legible to others, is there really a "right" way? Sometimes I like that no one can look over my shoulder and quickly scan what I've written. I usually have something to hide.

Worth It - Final Fantasy Complete

2012-01-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

I got Final Fantasy Complete. They added things, changed things. I had watched the original movie so many times that I was able to immediately notice what they added. It wasn't just one or two scenes either. They did a good job of expanding it, making it clearer. I had learned the back story through research, but it was nice to see the canon of the story in it's proper place.

A couple of the scenes seemed overly explanatory, especially Rufus' scenes. They replaced a couple of my favorite lines. Rufus is such a liar and manipulator, but by altering what he said, some of his true deviousness is lost. His speculations about the geostigma were straight out of the novella I found online, On the Way to a Smile. My only problem with the scene is that it explains way too much, way too early. But it would help walk a new viewer through the movie a little easier. I had seen the other version at least 20 times, and had come to know what Rufus wasn't saying.

I never liked Cloud. Sure, he's cute, but he's such a baby. He does find his strength, but in the old version, I never quite believed that he was anything but a child. This version added a scene with him and Marlene. I loved that scene so much. It showed the moment he grew a back-bone, and I gained new respect for him.

Zack got his proper place in this version. They showed footage from Crisis Core of Cloud remembering Zack's death and the hand off of the sword. It broke my heart to see his sword all rusted and neglected. That was Angeal's dreams and honor, then Zack's. I suppose it was meant to represent how far Cloud had fallen from the path he'd promised Zack he'd take for the both of them. In the very last scene after all the credits, they show his sword cleaned up and enshrined at the church. Zack is honored, and Cloud is redeemed.

The fight with Sephiroth was expanded. They did a good job on that. Since Sephiroth is the "Big Bad," we know that he has to be defeated, but it shouldn't be easy. In the first version, Cloud barely seemed to get hurt. This version is very different; victory doesn't seem so obvious, and when he does win, it seem much sweeter and more of a sacrifice.

Anyone who has not seen this version, I have to say, it IS worth it.

2011-12-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over and 2012 is nigh.

In order feed my obsession, I bought a Blu Ray player. I will be able to watch Final Fantasy Advent Children Complete. I am really looking forward to the new footage.

Sometimes I feel like I must be getting old. I only seem to get the new gadgets when I have to. I have an HD TV because my giant 27 inch CRT died. I don't have and HD cable box because I don't want to spend the extra money for a little clarity. I don't have a smart phone, because I don't want to pay for a data package. I don't have a wireless network, because I feel like I wasted $50 on a piece of crap that died too quickly to be worth that amount of money. At least I have good reasons...

I have to say that I am proud of myself for being frugal. There was a time when I would not have waited for what I wanted or considered the price of frivolous things. Once upon a time, that got me in deep debt.

We weren't busy at work, thanks to the Holiday season, so I browsed Amazon. I have a bunch of Blu Rays in my cart. There is enough to make this purchase worth it. I don't want to have to say I bought this player for only one movie. Even considering that, I played the original Advent Children and I saw an increase in quality. Technology has improved since my original player was built.

I have been writing my Final Fantasy sex story since my vacation. I am up to 61 pages. I have almost completed it, but the end is a little depressing, so I've hit a little writer's block. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as focused on sex as I am. I would like to be someone who could write a story that had no sex in it, that has a good plot and is fun to read. But then I think, why not write what feels good? I'm a sex addict, and it is difficult for my mind to avoid sexual thoughts. What I write will never be published, so I can write whatever wish fulfillment fantasies I want.

I've changed the cats to an all wet-food diet. Sometimes I wonder if they are eating enough. I'm still getting a handle on the amount they should be eating. Sometime they act like little furry sharks. But overall, we're doing very well.

CK is Home

2011-12-12T07:45:00.001-08:00

CK came home yesterday evening. Everyone at the Vet seemed to like him, said he was a sweet boy. I hate to tell them, he doesn't like them... he thinks that if he's quiet they'll go away. Hehehe. $2700 plus dollars later...

I have to feed him special food. They said one and a half cans a day, about 9 oz. of food. Even though, at 16.4 pounds, they consider him overweight, I think that is a lot of food. He won't eat that much. I'll feed him what he'll eat, and go from there.

I've been told that I coddle CK. Ya ain't seen nothing yet! I am going to be watching his fluid intake like a hawk. Extra water will hopefully contribute to flushing out his system and this doesn't happen again.

Yeah, they said this could happen again. Looks like Mr. CK is my problem child.

The other cats do not like him much. I am sure he smells funny. They hiss in his face and he looks confused. I was disturbed that he did not sleep on my feet last night. Bandit has begun to stake his claim on me. When I was in the tub, he rolled around on the bathroom rug, like he was leaving his scent. He slept on the bed near my pillow all night. This morning he took his place on the half-wall in the bathroom that was usually CK's perch. I think he's using this opportunity to climb the hierarchical ladder! It is funny how in two days things can become so skewed. I wonder how long it will take for it to return to normal. At least no one is fighting out-right.

Ck is playing with his sparkle ball, which makes me feel really good for him! What a great outcome to a potentially tragic situation.

Update on CK

2011-12-10T13:51:00.001-08:00

The vet called this morning and said that he was doing well. The blockage was crystals and they flushed all that out. Tonight, they will take out the catheter and see if he will pee on his own. She said his blood work came back good. My instincts to bring him in were right, she said, because we caught this early.

I went in and visited him. They let me see him in his cage. He was kind of laying towards the back, but when he saw it was me, he gave me his face. He's one of those cats who prefers to have his head petted and he likes to rub his face on me. I'll bet he was giving them his butt all day. (Smiles.) He didn't purr, but then I didn't really expect him to. I expect that he is uncomfortable and a little scared.

I didn't mind seeing him in all his contraptions. He had Elizabethan collar on, a soft one for cats, and tubes coming and going. I didn't mind, because despite all that, he looked so aware and happy to see me. He was NOT on Death's door... He looked good, strong, bright-eyed. They told me he was doing well, but seeing it for myself was priceless. I hated leaving him there, and I hope that my presence was a comfort and didn't cause more grief to see me leave.

I thanked him for being such a baby, for showing me his pain, and I asked him to never hide it from me please. He gave me enough signs that I think I caught it when it started, and a more stoic cat would have hidden it until he was in serious condition.

I was happy, because the Vet Tech said that he has been the most uneventful blocked kitty they have treated. That made me feel good, because I'm sure they have seen some bad ones. She also said he's gotten plenty of attention because he is so sweet. That's momma's baby boy!

CK is Sick

2011-12-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

I just got home from the Emergency Vet. I took CK in because he has a urinary blockage. The signs were so subtle and I am glad I paid attention. The vet will call me in a little while to tell me how he's doing. Estimate of almost $3000.

Writing

2011-12-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

After I read the Final Fantasy yaoi porn and looked at all the pictures and watched the videos, I felt inspired to write. The porn tends to be short scenes, quick, easy to read... pornlets, if you will. You can quickly skim from one to the other. The characters are part of a collective cannon, so not much setup is required. Each author has their own take on how the characters would act and react.

I set out to write one of my own, and I've written 24 pages, a plausible plot, and 4 sex scenes.

To write fiction, I have to wallow. I have to be there in the moment and I have to believe what I'm saying is true. Writing about Zack was easy, because I was already a little in love with him from playing Crisis Core. I looked at pictures, watched videos, and even started the game again. He was easy to write about, because I had constructed a reality of him in my mind already.

The one chapter I wrote about Sephiroth was very difficult. Amazingly difficult. So I did with him what I did with Zack: I built a profile of him in my mind. I had less to pull from, but I managed to do it with a little help from the Internet. I gathered the best pictures and made sure I had them on-screen while I wrote. I watched the scene on YouTube from Crises Core where Genesis, Angeal, and Sephiroth fight. I watched that at least 4 times. It got so I could hear his voice in my head as I read the words I wrote for him. I did a search for "What would Sephiroth smell like?" Apparently, there is a point in the game where they tell you his hair smells like 13 scents, including roses and vanilla.

It took me all day to write the chapter, but once I was done with it, I was very happy with the results.

I've always loved the thought of writing fiction, because it has the implication of so much power to it. If you write it, it IS. I remember when I first realized that narrators can lie. The truth of the story is in the telling of it, and all truth is subjective. You could create a character who was so dishonest with himself that the story itself is a lie. It is not in my nature to do that, but it is an interesting concept to me. It is also freeing, because no story can ever be real unless you tell it, and then it is only real in the sense that you believe what you wrote.

Which probably underscores one of the main reasons I am not a commercial writer. I believe what I write. Writing is difficult. The effort to create the world, the feel, the reality comes so much from my heart and soul that I cannot abide the thought of someone picking it apart to make it commercial. I am not incapable of writing for an audience, for a purpose, and that purpose could be money (like I do every day at work) but it would detract from the pleasure writing gives me. It would cheapen it. My internal defiance would prevent me from being able to be creative. I know myself well enough; I go by my moods, my whims, and do whatever my heart tells me to do, outside of work.

Another thing I truly enjoyed was the research. I love the Internet! I could check spellings, because Microsoft Works doesn't have some words in it's spell-check. I could use the Thesaurus to help me vary some of my descriptions. I could search for terms that eluded me. I could check the real-world viability of situations I envisioned. This is so much easier than it was in the past. Ask, and you shall receive 2000 hits... pick and choose your answer.

I did feel that I had so much fun this week, wallowing and writing, that I wished I had the time to do this every day. It makes me sad that I have to go back to work on Monday. "Real life" will interfere and I will probably not write again for another interminable period of time.

Ed

2011-12-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have watched a lot of Las Vegas on TV this week. TNT has two hours of Supernatural, an hour of Smallville (which I usually wander away from) and two hours of Las Vegas. Finally, I was able to see episodes of this which I had not seen before.

Danny, of course, is hot. The women are pretty. But I really like Ed Deline, played by James Caan. He can sit behind his desk and make a veiled threat, and sound completely dangerous. James Caan has so much charisma, and he plays that character so well that you can believe in him. Some of the things they get involved in are so far-fetched as to be ridiculous, but he pulls it off with such finesse. Ed isn't above the law, he IS the law. He has a code he follows.

I just watched him beat the Hell out of a guy who had held him hostage and tried to kill him for $213,000 in lost wages. I have to say, it was actually quite sexy. At the end, he get's the guy in a head lock, neck against the cold metal of his cane. I was just waiting for him to snap his neck. Dramatic pause. He sees the picture of the man's daughter on the nightstand. He throws him on the floor amidst the pile of (now bloody) money. It brought tears to my eyes. He spared the man he could have wasted in a moment for the love of a little girl.

I find certain types of violence to be arousing. I think I like that because it had the flavor of justice and revenge. The victim gets to take out the bad guy in a one-on-one fair fight, and wins. (Of course, fair is debatable when he is former CIA and the guy is just a plumber with no combat training whatsoever.) Walking away with dignity, and his point more than made, was icing on the cake.

A Knock at the Door

2011-12-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

D borrowed a ball of yarn today, to use as a level for yard work. Turns out, he didn't need it, so Liz said she would bring it back. I told her no hurry, and I meant it. I gave him my least favorite color from the bin and I am not actively crocheting right now.

D came back later before he left for work and fucked me on my stairway, which was quite nice, since I've been writing porn all week. It was quick, hard, and he rolled out right afterwards. He didn't bring the yarn back, because he probably didn't tell Liz he was stopping by. And I went upstairs and got myself off twice. Later, for research purposes, I got myself off again... I was having trouble describing what an orgasm felt like, so I gave myself one!

I was watching Bones on TV and writing porn, when the doorbell rang. Assuming I knew who it was, I jumped up and answered the door. The outside light was not on, and the sky was dimming, but I could see well enough. It was a young guy. Cute. OMG! He said he was a contractor replacing windows for a neighbor and that he wanted to warn me of their trucks, as a traffic hazard. Then he proceeded to try to sell me windows.

All I could think of was: "I am not dressed, I've been writing porn, and he is so damn cute."

I was wearing fluffy blue socks on my feet, thin knit green and blue plaid pajama pants, and a pink shirt that doesn't stay on my shoulders. No bra, no panties. Hair tousled, because it hasn't been brushed since I washed it this morning. Overweight, middle aged, looking flushed because of the rosacea.

I told him: "I'm not interested right now," and he went away.

I had a fantasy of him getting in his truck and beating off, thinking of me, but I am sure it was probably the opposite. He probably went back to his buddies and said, "you would not believe what that woman was wearing!" I probably looked scary to him.

Which got me to thinking, you just never know. I have fucked gorgeous men I never thought in a million years would go for me. If he was going to get laid, he might be into it. A penthouse moment with a MILF (never mind that it isn't technically a title I can claim; no children.)

Someone knocked on my door later, and I didn't answer. The light was not on and I could not see who it was. Of course, there were a million thoughts in my head. Did he come back to see if I wanted my "free estimate" now?

But you can't fuck whoever you want. I don't know if he is submissive, or aggressive, or dangerous. This is reality and not one of my fantasy porn fics.

Maybe I'll take a walk tomorrow and see what work my neighbors are having done.

My Type of Woman

2011-12-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

I saw a commercial today for J'dore, some perfume. It starred Charlize Theron, looking sultry and sexy. I like her, but not to have sex with her... I'd like to look like her. It got me thinking about women...

What I've noticed is that I tend to be attracted to brunette women most often. I find Cote de Pablo in NCIS to be a very beautiful woman. (I suppose it didn't hurt that I felt I understood her on some levels. No, I am not a born-and-raised assassin, but I sometimes have felt like an emotional outsider, with definite daddy issues.)

Another woman who always catches my attention when she is on the screen is Alicia Coppola. There is something about the way she purses her lips that I cannot resist.

I am not often attracted to women, but when I am, I think I have a certain 'type.' And yes, I do mean that they are not just beautiful, but I would gladly take them to bed.

Edit: I knew there was another lady I liked... Gina Bellman from Leverage.Oh, and let's not forget Angie Harmon from Rizzoli & Ilse.

Yeah, I so have a type!

I'm on Vacation

2011-11-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that it has been such a long time since I last wrote. I tend to follow my heart, my whims, and it has felt like there has been nothing to tell.

I've been raising Harley, taking care of my house, playing games, reading books. Working. Paying bills. Listening to Audible books and exercising. Having the occasional quickie with D.

Harley has been amazing. She's grown up big and strong. I used to keep her separated during the day so that she could free-feed dry food all day while she was still growing. I don't have to do that anymore, as she has reached that stage where she can wait until I come home to eat.

I've been playing Rune Factory: Tides of Destiny. I haven't touched it in about a week, though I was completely obsessed with it for a couple of months. It is easy, for the most part. I like that every time I play it, I do seem to make progress. They give you just enough to want to keep going. It will be there when my current obsession wanes.

Something made me want to play Final Fantasy: Crisis Core again. I don't know if I will play it all the way through this time, but we'll see. I was able to watch the cut scenes on YouTube (over and over). Yes, the characters are melodramatic, but I thought the story was good. I love the characters; it amazes me a little how real they feel to me. But if you consider how you can feel about characters in a book, it isn't so far fetched. These are at least a little more interactive; it is like playing a movie. Zack dies at the end of the game, and since he's the controllable character, it is heart-breaking. He's such a cute boy in the beginning, and grows up during the game. He speaks of honor and dreams. He is a good person, a hero. The last scene makes me cry every time.

Zack is not dead, because he was never alive. But he is alive in my mind, and many other minds, too, apparently.

I bought Final Fantasy: Advent Children on DVD and watched it on the big screen TV. I got it for a very good price. The movie takes place two years after the events of Final Fantasy VII. Crisis Core is a prequel to FF VII. Advent Children and Crises Core are my only exposure to these characters, but I probably knew who Cloud was before this, due to exposure in pop (gaming) culture.

I wanted pictures of Zack and Sephiroth from the game, so I did some searches. I got what I wanted, and then I stumbled onto something... I should have known it would out there... They call it yaoi. In fan fiction, I am more familiar with it being called slash. Most of the pictures I found are mild; a kiss, a touch, a look. Some of them are very well-drawn and very hot! I had to download a bunch of them, and by now, I think I have more of them than I have screenshots. I kept finding something new.

Then I found the fan fics. I've finally done paging through a site I found. (I am sure there are other sites, but right now I am resisting the urge to search.) Some are incredibly well-written. I couple of them made me cry. A couple of them made me come. Guy on guy porn written by women is almost a genre in itself. I don't think I could write it, but I certainly enjoy reading it. I think the pictures broke me into it lightly. Cloud is the love interest in a lot of them, although there were a lot of different pairings explored, some I never expected. Although, some did make almost poetic sense. Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal, pre-wigging out, would be such an amazing pile of man-flesh. In Crisis Core, Angeal called Zack 'the puppy' and there were many explorations of that topic/title.

I remember after reading slash fiction in the past, I thought I would like gay porn. What I found was that gay porn was cold; I didn't like it. Slash fiction is full of kisses, and touches, and love. I think I like it for the same reason men like the thought of lesbians... Every single one of the Final Fantasy characters is sexy in some way, so the thought of multiple members rolling around in bed together is like a very good sex dream.

When I write fan fics, I tend to want to modify the story, insert myself into it. That is a bit of a no-no, but that is how my fantasies work, so it's how I work. I wrote one about Zack, and I have one in my head about Sephiroth. Also Kajad, Yazoo and Loz... I always felt a little bad for them, poor little remnants.

A long time ago, I wrote Labyrinth porn fanfic that people seemed to like...

I know that I am wallowing in sex fantasies, but I am on vacation, so I can do what I want. I do feel a bit guilty to "waste" two days on this. But then, it is only a waste if I feel that it is, since it is my time.

Harlequin

2011-05-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

I bought a new kitten.

I want to say, "I know it was wrong, but..." However, I knew that I was probably going to do this. I have been wanting a new kitten for quite a while. I've been considering that, with the amount of space in the house, I could safely fit one or two more cats. The boys turned two years old recently, and I know that the older cats get, the less tolerant they may be of newcomers. If I didn't do it soon, I would likely miss my chance, or do it anyway and bring nothing but strife to my household. I meant to go to the SPCA to see what they had, but I didn't make it that far...

Meet Harlequin:

I went into the store where I bought Bandit. The first cage had an orange girl. I love orange cats. The only color I wanted more was white. And yet, I still might not have done it but for that beautiful blue eye! There were two of them, both girls, both with mismatched eyes.

I picked up her sister first. She was adorable, but not all that interested in me. She looked at me, she didn't struggle, but she didn't purr. When Harley picked up her head and looked at me, I put the other kitten down and picked her up. She purred and stretched out in my arms upside-down, looking quite happy.

I fought with myself, but I could feel my resolve losing the battle. What I wanted to do was give it a day to think. Was this the right time? Was this the right kitten? I wanted to pay an adoption fee and get a kitten who was tested, neutered, and micro-chipped. This way, I will have to pay for it all myself again.

Anyway, I am not going to regret it. I don't care what anyone says. I did what felt right. Time will tell what the consequences are.

If

2011-05-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

I finished the Highlander series. There were certain themes within the books. The women were 24 year old virgins, and there was often some form of time travel. It made me wonder what would happen if "my" Highlander were to go back in time and meet the 24 year old virgin me. I was scared, repressed, pathetic... worthless. (Not really worthless, but I've always felt that way, even then.) I like who I am now. I am tempered by the experiences I've had, made stronger, made somehow 'more' than I used to be. I thought I was smart and jaded at 24. And I was jaded... but I didn't know how much more I had to lose. I was naive.

But what kind of book would it be, to have a jaded, 40 year old, sex addict meet the Highlander god, and NOT resist? No tension. Let's fuck? Oh my yes, let's! Porn, I guess.

I began reading Dirty by Megan Hart. As this book begins, the character has done some of the very things I've done, and I think we will find out later that she's been abused. I find that identify with her, at times thinking, "this could be about me." Like her, I am sullied by my addiction, but of course I was damaged long before that. I long for redemption, for someone to prove to me that love is real and show me that I still deserve it. But I'm scared to read this book, because I think the character will get her redemption, but there is no redemption for me.

It hits a little too close to home on some levels. The other books make me yearn for something no one will ever have. This one will make me yearn for something that someone could actually attain.

I know that I learned a lot about what is out there while I was in the acting-out part of the addiction. I know that I don't know it all, that I found what I expected to find. There were a few surprises. But I never gave my heart, not even when I thought I did. D is a drug, my vice. He is a comfortable pain that is familiar, that is "home." I never loved him.

There is a guy at work that affects me like those guys in romance novels supposedly do. When he first started working there, I was in the grip of the addiction. As soon as I saw him, he made me think "dirty, dirty thoughts." Just looking at him aroused me. I never acted on it. There were a lot of excuses. He was "new meat" in a business of mostly women. He would already be coveted, and I wouldn't compete. He was my boss's brother. I didn't want that drama at work.

It's been a few years now. I still find him sexy. The sound of his voice arouses me. I swear his sister said he had a fiancee, and for awhile, all my reactions to him went away. That surprised me, because I don't usually care about that. I have no intention of pursuing him, so his relationship status shouldn't have a bearing on my attraction. One of my coworkers said that "no, he's not engaged." I guess she inquired around, hopefully without the High School gossipy "Christine likes him."

Tonight he said, "Good night Christine." His voice is so sexy.

Something crossed my mind a couple times... why would I waste time denying the attraction? Why wouldn't I try, when something good could come of it?

The last time I felt this way about a man, something very bad happened -- one of the worst things that ever happened to me. It was the first step towards the acting-out part of my addiction. I can't say that I wouldn't have eventually found it all and done it all anyway. But that man, that I thought was so sexy, that I thought might be my second chance for love, used me and hurt me and broke my heart. He gave me the website on which I eventually found my lovers.

So when I feel that deep chemical attraction to this guy I work with, it scares me. For his voice to arouse me, to look at him and think about straddling him at his desk, that can't be right. He stands at my co-worker's cubicle when he's asking her questions, and he leans on the half-wall. He has to bend over because he's tall. He spreads his legs, maybe so he's not bending over so far. OMG, that is so much worse! When I turn around and see that, I am sure I get bright red. If he knew what he looked like, I don't think he'd stand that way. Oh, save me from the dirty, dirty thoughts!

Back to the Romance Obsession

2011-04-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

I finished the Haunted Lands series and plunged back into the Highlander series.

The Haunted Lands series was interesting. It seemed somehow a little flat. A lot of attention was given to the action and not as much to the characters. What emotions the characters displayed seemed two dimensional or otherwise were not explored. I was interested in the underlying story, but I would have preferred more motivation and emotion. (That's probably a girly desire.) The whole time, I didn't feel my addiction raise it's mewling head. The quiet was soothing, even if the story felt more shallow and less rich than I am used to.

Because yes, romance books do fuel my addiction. Wanting something that does not exist. Falling in love with imaginary men.

I finished Kiss of the Highlander by Karen Marie Moning tonight. The book was hot from start to finish. I fell in love with the hero, Drustan, immediately. Karen really hit her stride with this one, and I felt a taste of the obsession I felt with the Fever series. Now I can't wait to find out what happens to his brother! On the net, I've seen indication that Dageus is more loved than Drustan, and I thought "no way!" Until she put a teaser for the next book at the end and I found out that he used his Druid magic for personal gain and turned Dark. Ah, darkness and redemption, my favorite flavor!

Beyond the Highland Mist (1999/Mar)
To Tame a Highland Warrior (1999/Dec)
The Highlander's Touch (2000/Nov)
Kiss of the Highlander (2001/Sep)
The Dark Highlander (2002/Oct)
The Immortal Highlander (2004/Aug)
Spell of the Highlander (2005/Aug)

I am such a big fan of this author. As I am cursing her and bawling my eyes out, I can't stop reading the books! I wouldn't have it any other way...

Taking a Short Break from Romance Books

2011-04-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I needed a break from the romance books. I find that these books can be very addictive for me, and I don't use that term lightly. Fantasy can be a big component of sex and love addiction, which was something I was frequently prone to. In these worlds, the men are gorgeous diamonds-in-the-rough, waiting for the love of a good woman to redeem them. The woman is so beautiful that he, and anyone else, cannot help but love/desire her. The sex is amazing and marriage ensues, with the promise of lots of babies. Throw in Fae, or Vampires, or Werewolves, or anything paranormal you can think of, for more fun. What is not to love?

After reading To Tame a Highland Warrior by Karen Marie Moning, which was quite addictive to say the least, I felt that I needed to stop a moment. For a change of pace, I've begun reading The Haunted Lands Trilogy by Richard Lee Byers. When I read the first scene, where a pudgy spindly-legged wizard gets assassinated, I could feel the tug of the addiction wanting me to go read about more of those perfect Highlanders, and another part of me laughed in relief. Off and on, I still have the urge to put down this book, but now that I am into it, I must complete it.

I generally like Richard Lee Byers. I felt that this book was written in a different style, one that seemed to mimic medieval wording and grammar. I am not fond of this style, and have found myself re-reading sentences when I don't quite understand them at first. Overall, I am enjoying the book. The characters are interesting, although there are so many of them I sometimes forget who is who; I am expecting that the stage is being set for the braiding of the many strands in the future. Some parts are funny and made me laugh out loud. There is a little bit of sex/love hinted at, but it is not the main thrust of the story. It is a relief to read about something other than the sheer pursuit of sex/love. Because it's fantasy, I sometimes think of World of Warcraft as I read. For instance, one of the characters is a griffon rider.

I won't stop reading romance entirely. The Immortal Highlander awaits me. But every once in awhile, it is good for me to take a break and get my head on straight.

Learn Something New Every Game

2011-04-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

I played a random dungeon in World of Warcraft, and got the Mana-Tombs. It was the first time I'd done it, and it was red for me. I knew I wasn't going to be great, but...

At the end of the dungeon, one of the people thanked the tank for being good. The tank said: "EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS MORE SCRUB THAN ME" and left the group. I sat and looked at it for a little while, then asked if that was an insult. I assumed by the caps and the context that it was, but it was not a term I recognized.

I found this definition in the Urban Dictionary:

A scrub is a now generalized term used as a synonym for a "noob" or "newb," which is someone who is bad at a video game or activity in general.

Most of the definitions here, surprisingly, have nothing to do with the actual term. The original definition is related to a person who makes a mistake in a video game, which is such a bad mistake that it is clearly wrong, yet they persist in making it. The term derives from Street Fighter II, to describe some players that were so bad that they would mash their hands across the control pad, an act known as "scrubbing," because it relates to scrubbing a car or other object with a sponge. Thus they were deemed "scrubbers," or "scrubs" for short. Over time this term expanded throughout the gaming world, and then the real world, and lost its original meaning.

...enlightening...

Minivan Family Decals

2011-04-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've been seeing all these mini vans with decals of families. Mom, Dad, kids, pets. Every time I see them, I think, "Mine would be me and my two cats." I wonder if that makes me pathetic.

This picture made me feel good!

There isn't anything wrong with being single and counting my pets as my immediate family.

Sometimes I feel jealous when I see all these people and their kids. Everyone in the world seems to be reproducing. Isn't that what I am supposed to do, too? Yet this afternoon at work, I was thinking about CK, how lucky I am, how much he loves me, how much I am the center of his world. My cats are my babies. This is how my life was meant to be.

I watched The Dog Whisperer the other morning, where a woman was overly protective of her dog. She said that when she was a kid, she saw their dogs kicked to keep them quiet, left outside in the snow and rain, and one that even died out in the yard on a chain. She felt guilty because she didn't do anything. She was probably a child, and powerless, but old enough to feel that guilt. So when she got her own dog, she thought to right the wrongs of the past, and ended up doing emotional damage instead.

I understand her guilt, because I saw some cruelty done to our first cat, when I was a child and also had no power. When I got my boys, I was thrilled at the chance to raise them entirely on my own in the way that I thought was right. I suppose the difference is that I had been/am obsessed with learning anything I could about cats, and I think I have a handle on cat behavior. I have been rewarded by cats who totally trust me. They know I would never hurt them. I've yelled at CK for doing bad things (like trying to knock over the lamp), but he quickly learned that even that was harmless. I am proud of the family I built, even though it's just me and a couple of cheeky animals.

Hunter Soul

2011-04-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

I watched a YouTube video of a mocking bird repeatedly "bopping" a cat, trying to get him to go away. I'm sure there was probably a nest nearby. The cat appeared to ignore the bird. After a number of collisions, the cat jumped after it and caught it out of the air.

This was posted on http://icanhascheezburger.com/. It got 301 comments, pros and cons. Defenders of "The Circle of Life," and those offended by the ignoble end of the bird.

My position is a little different. I felt more like the narrator, the person who shot the footage. "Whoa, that's cool!"

I love my cats. But I am not fooled into thinking they are all sweetness and fluff. They are hunters to their soul. Tiny tigers that we keep in our house. I've watched the tenseness in CK's body as he watches the squirrels. He wants to taste their blood. It would make him happy to kill, even though he is well fed and pampered. Evolution and survival made them what they are.

When I see them yearn to hunt, to chase, to catch, I am a little sad. My boys are house-cats for their safety, and they will never know this thrill that they were born to taste. I admire the hunter soul of my kitties.

Reading the Fever Series

2011-03-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

I started reading the Fever series by Karen Marie Moning, beginning with Darkfever. I read it in two days. I am currently reading Bloodfever.

Despite that the two main characters are not terribly sympathetic -- MacKayla is a whiny brat and Jericho is a creepy asshole -- the story is addictive. There is an almost "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" feel to it. A small-town southern belle priss is drawn into a supernatural world she doesn't like, want, or believe in. She finds that she is very powerful, which may lead to a broken pink fingernail or a bad hair day. Sometimes, I wanted to slap her! But it also leads to some really interesting scenes and situations!

I should be playing WoW, taking my Draenei Hunter through the Sunken Temple, but I don't want to. I want to read this book and find out what happens next!

WoW Dungeon Finder and Pets

2011-03-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

I may (or may not) have mentioned that I am beginning to play World of Warcraft again. Once I took my main toon through all the new zones and got her to level 85, I began to get a little bored. So I am leveling my Draenei Hunter alt on Dungeon Finder again. I’ve gotten her to level 54 that way exclusively.

I originally started leveling my alt so that I could increase her enchanting and inscription. I’ve also found that I tend to be amused even if I get a bad group, which makes pick up groups a good way for me to level her. Unlike my main, who is woefully mediocre, I want Dem to be kick-ass. I watch her stats in Recount, I boost her with potions, I enchant her armor, and I look for better armor and weapons, and I tweak my tool bars for maximum ease and damage. I have never been kicked from a group. I’ve left voluntarily in disgust on occasion, but I like to think that I have always been a valuable member of the team.

It was said by a tank once, “Thank you healer and hunter for being good,” but once my euphoria waned, I realized that the comment was more a slap at the other two for being bad. I doubt they even understood they had been insulted.

I have read some criticisms on other blogs that pugs are impersonal. Dungeon Finder throws people together from different servers. Each person has their own agenda, skill level, and maturity level.

We entered one dungeon and a player said “this is my first dungeon!” He did some stupid moves, and it wasn’t very long before someone voted him to be kicked.
I ran Stratholme, and a Shaman kept doing knock-back from the Druid tank, pissing him off, or pulling before the tank was ready. The tank said he hoped he died, but he didn’t vote to kick him. We finished that instance pretty well, I thought. Although the tank died once, the healer resurrected him, and we won without any mass wipes.
In one instance, the tank voted someone out for being “ninja.” I guess the person chose “need” on a drop without asking. I don’t go into these instances expecting much, so I don’t think that was a fair reason to kick him.
In a Zul’Farrak instance, I got into a group that had three people from the same server. They must have known each other, because there was much more banter than usual. The tank said, “Don’t attack until I stop,” and he took off around the square, gathering mobs. When he appeared to have stopped, I began to attack. Someone said, “Have you stopped?” Sarcastically he replied, “No, I’m running in place.” They were fun!
I ran a Stratholme - Service Entrance instance, and I think I may have killed the tank. It was my first time playing that dungeon with a group, and I learned a valuable lesson… the banshee can turn your friends into enemies for a period of time. I also lost control of my pet, sent her off after something I shouldn’t, and didn’t want to bring her back trailing mobs. It was an “oops, sorry” moment, but no one got hurt (accept the pet) so we carried on and did just fine.

I guess the key to it is to do your best, and try not to take it too seriously. After all, it’s a game, and when it stops being fun, that is when you must stop. I find that playing with people I am not likely to see again from other servers is fun for me. I haven’t made friends with strangers on WoW, and the people I know in real life, I’d really rather not play with. It is a blessing that they went to the Horde, because I have invested too much time into my Alliance characters that I have no interest in changing factions. I am an Alliance girl through and through.

Looks wise, I do not like the Worgen. I like the Goblins much better and would have preferred them to join the Alliance. However, I know that it makes more sense for it to work out the way that it did. I have a Worgen Druid, but since I also have a Night Elf Druid, I most likely will not keep my Worgen. I just wanted to see all the quests. I made a Goblin Warrior, but I do not see myself as a tank kind of person. I am a support person; that is the role that makes me the happiest.

Tonight, I did some research on DPS pets. Dem currently has a Ravager. She had it since she found it in the Draenei starting areas. When I redid her talents after Cataclysm erased them, I chose Marksman this time instead of Beast Master. My main gets to keep her exotic pets, but Dem needs damage. I went to the Western Plaguelands and tamed a Plaguehound. I put his specs next to the Ravager specs, and he does about the same damage, with no assigned talents and level 51 vs. level 54. He is going to be kick-ass! Now I need a name that fits a green demon dog with glowing runes. My ravager’s name is Charlotte, and my boar is named Fluffy. I like to find a name that has an interesting connotation or juxtaposition. Like a giant ice worm named Squirmy, or a giant wasp named Sting.

Maybe I’ll name him Cuddles.

Currently Reading... Romantic Porn

2011-03-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I finished reading all of Mario Acevedo's books. I highly enjoyed them. I planned to start on Karen Marie Moning's Fever series. However, a friend suggested that Jet Mykle's Dark Elf series was very good, so I've begun reading those. I am on book 3 of 6 right now.

The Dark Elf books are romantic porn, heavy on the porn. There is a story to it, and the author does a good job of creating affinity for the characters. I find that I care about them and have genuine interest in how the story will unfold. I have also noticed it has ramped up my sex drive a little as well. The only problem I found is that they are not really masturbatory material for me, even with the smattering of BDSM, as I prefer somewhat less consensual fantasies. I sometimes feel that I must be perverted or sick that I need a rape fantasy to come. However, there is no denying the strength of the orgasms.

I have always enjoyed stories about cultures, alien societies, and the like. Jet has created a race and society, with rules and reasons to exist in the way they do. Book 3, in fact, has begun to delve into that culture a little more, and I like that. The first book was mostly all sex, with some lazy descriptions. I can see a development in writing skill through book 2 and 3, even though, of course, the sex takes center stage. I admit that I have even skimmed over some of the sex to get to the story.

Once I am done with these books, which shouldn't be too long, I'll read the Fever series. Reading the prologue, I had to remind myself that these are NOT the Laurel K. Hamilton Merry Gentry series. These books will take a different turn, create a different world. I found the juxtaposition jarring.

When I was in High School, I had done research on the legends of the sidhe. I wrote a story based on what I'd found that won an award in the school writing contest. Something about a young girl who saw elves and fairies dancing in a forest clearing, who got whisked away and then returned. I no longer have the story and I don't remember much else. I recognized that some of the names that Hamilton has written about were accurate. She had had someone do research for her. Fae always had a special place in my heart. So although Moning's books have had mixed reviews, and I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I wanted to read them, I am hoping that I will enjoy them, too. Faery books are not as popular as vampire books, which is practically a genre all it's own these day. Supernatural romance; vampire porn; supernatural vampire P. I. porn.

Meet the Squirrels

2011-03-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am becoming almost obsessed with the squirrels. I went online to find out as much about them as I could. I feel like they would make a good study for a documentary. They are taken so much for granted in so many urban and suburban environments, but what do we really know about them? People seem to love them or hate them. They are cute, but they are considered vermin. They can be highly destructive. Their antics are either amusing or infuriating.

I find them interesting because as cute as they are, they seem to be rather violent. They lunge at each other over food. I watched a squirrel chase another squirrel back and forth through the woods several times. Some of the fighting is definitely due to food aggression. “Mine!” And some must be territorial. We are also approaching Spring and the mating season, so some of it might be males posturing for dominance for mates.

CK and Bandit enjoy watching them too. When one came up on the steps near the glass door, CK was so tense and agitated, swishing his tail furiously, that I knew he’d really love to sink his teeth into it. I am kind of proud of him for having such a strong prey instinct. I think if I let him out, he’d bring me back dead animals. If I let Bandit out, he’d bring me back dead leaves.

I checked out some squirrel obstacle courses online. They really are incredibly smart and motivated animals. It made me want to build one of my own, but no, I’ll just watch them raid my bird feeder and occasionally throw peanuts at them. I’ve always liked rodents, so I guess I am in the “love them” camp.

Sunday afternoon, I took pictures of them. I wonder if I will eventually begin to see them as individuals, come to know them, give them names. I noticed that one squirrel was running around on my neighbor’s deck, and I felt a little bad. I hope he will not get mad at me for encouraging them. I hope they will not become too aggressive looking for hand-outs.

Audible and Excersize

2011-03-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

I have begun to exercise again. I decided that I needed a motivation, a reward system. I am one of those people who gets bored easily and I don't see the point of going no-where fast on a stationary bike for no purpose. "For my health" is too ephemeral a goal.

I got a membership to Audible.com. I purchased Pandora by Anne Rice, read by Kate Reading with my credit. My intention is to listen to audio books while I ride my bike, thus still being able to "read." Once I have finished the book, while riding my bike, only then will I be allowed to purchase another one. It is a perfect combination of effort and reward.

I chose this plan because I believe I can follow it. My trip to and from work was cut almost in half by my relocation. There wouldn't be much point listening in the car. There would be no temptation to cheat. However, part of my deal with myself is that once I have listened to an entire book, I can then listen to it whenever I want.

My coworker asked my why I didn't just read a book or the Kindle itself. Because I find it irritating to hold anything while on the bike. I've tried, and it hasn't worked out well for me. Anyway, I wouldn't want to sweat all over my Kindle. I was able to set the Kindle on a couple of boxes so I didn't have to hold it. The ear phones had no trouble reaching my ears.

Listening to Kate Reading is a pleasure. The book is mediocre at best, but the narrator brings her to life. I love her accent, her tones, and her inflections. Since the book is written in the first person, it's almost like I am actually listening to Pandora speak. A good narrator is like a good singer; she can make a mediocre book great. And she did. I plan to listen to some other books she narrated in the future. Is it odd that I am a fan of a voice actress?

I was surprised at the number and kinds of books that exist on Audible.com. I found books I didn't expect to, books I cannot even get in ebook. It allows me to listen to samples of the narration, so if I hear a voice I absolutely cannot stand, I can skip it. It allows me to sort by author as well as narrator, which made me very happy. All of these can be listened to on the Kindle, which has a nice and inviting interface.

I already have dozens of audio books on my Wish List!

Sex Summary

2011-02-21T19:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, I had sex with D on Saturday. No, I'm not going to write about all the sordid details. He apologized, albeit not entirely sincerely. He made it my choice, perhaps sensing that if he got all high-handed I would say no.

While I was on the bed, face down ass up, he asked, "Do you know how many times we've had sex?"

"No," I said.

"Too many times to count," he said.

"What I do know is that's it's been six years," I said.

"Six years," he said, "and you'll be mine forever."

Chilling, eerie, yet somewhat comforting. Romantic, in an obsessive way.

In the middle of it, it said he was going to come see me on Sunday after his workout. I didn't believe he was serious, because men will say things in moments of pleasure they recant afterward. But he did show up and we fucked in front of my picture window. I asked if he wanted me to close the blinds, and he said no. Hopefully, no one was looking in the window, but we weren't completely naked, so they wouldn't have seen much.

He kissed me good-bye both times. I have been insisting on it. I at least want the illusion of affection, the illusion that he cares about me. He's said, "love you," a couple of times by accident on the phone. I no longer take it to heart like I once would have. But if he would make that mistake with me, how much does it really mean it when he says it to L?

Today he told me that he has an upper respiratory infection. He was coughing on the phone. Damn. We didn't swap spit, so hopefully I don't get sick. I missed the couple of viruses that made the rounds at work. (I deserved the reprieve, since I had gotten two back-to-back last summer.)

IQ Test

2011-02-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

On L&O:SVU, I watched an episode about how one genius-level girl killed another at a special school for geniuses. The dead girl's IQ was 165. It got me thinking... what makes up and IQ, how is it actually measured, and what is mine?

I took a free one online and it told me I was 114. Who knows how accurate it is?

Lewis Terman (1916) developed the original notion of IQ and proposed this scale for classifying IQ scores:

Over 140 - Genius or near genius
120 - 140 - Very superior intelligence
110 - 119 - Superior intelligence
90 - 109 - Normal or average intelligence
80 - 89 - Dullness
70 - 79 - Borderline deficiency
Under 70 - Definite feeble-mindedness

I am not sure I agree with measuring intelligence.

When I was a kid, some test indicated that I was "gifted." Someone tried to get me into a program for gifted children. I'm not sure why that fell through. If it had a cost associated with it, that would make sense, since we didn't have any money. I'm fine with that. I've never been particularly competitive, and I've never enjoyed being told what to do. Hand me a book and tell me I have to read it and I won't want to. If I discover it on my own, I'll devour it with gusto. I would have made a horrible child prodigy.

Books & TV

2011-02-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

I've been reading the books by Mario Acevedo. The Nyphos of Rocky Flats. X-Rated Blood Suckers. I love them! So I bought the rest of them. They are funny, snarky, enjoyable. I am devouring them like... a vampire through a pair of yuppies in a Ferrari. (Read the book, you'll know what I mean, wink.)

Publishers Weekly about X-Rated Blood Suckers:

"Hard-boiled action mixes with soft-core titillation in Acevedo's second novel featuring soldier-turned-vampire PI Felix Gomez.... The novel's true appeal lies in its zippy banter and witty repartee on vampire lifestyle, particularly in Felix's ongoing partnership with Coyote, a low-life vampire from the barrio. Acevedo has a natural flair for the hard-boiled idiom, and readers who enjoyed Felix's first adventure will find this follow-up equally entertaining."

I couldn't have said it better.

---

They have had marathons of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on TV. I used to avoid it because the subject matter is usually disturbing.

I watched a heartbreaking story today about a 17 year old boy who walked in and told Olivia that he was having bad thoughts about his 5 year old step brother and he needed help. He was obsessed, and he desperately didn't want to do what he was thinking about doing. There wasn't anything that they could do for him. I was surprised that there are no programs, no therapy, no institutions, no one who could help him. He was like a bomb asking not to explode, and all they could say to him was, "just don't?"

I couldn't help but wonder how horrible it must be to wake up to your sexual being and realize you are a pedophile. Our sexuality is so intrinsic to us. What we like, who we like, what turns us on, what turns us off. What if this deviance, that could bring nothing but pain and despair, was what turned you on?

It seems to be a popular opinion that sex offenders, pedophiles and rapists, are nearly impossible to rehabilitate.

The whole idea of pedophilia is distasteful. It's hard to feel anything but disgust and horror. When presented like this, I can feel sympathy and sadness. For those that fight what they are, it must be terrible.

Stood Up

2011-02-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, D said that Friday night he was going to come over and ravage me. Of course, not in those words. He doesn't use words like that. But the gist of it was that we would do every nasty, depraved, disgusting, painful thing that he wanted to do to me.

I was a little scared. I have not always found his judgment to be sound. The prospect that he might eventually injure me does exist.

I came home, full of fear and excitement. I fed the cats, got cleaned up, and set out all the toys like he had said I should. I sat on the couch, my heart pounding, waiting for him. He had said between 8:30 and 8:45. I watched the clock tick away, trying to calm down. This feeling I used to love so much, I didn't enjoy at all. Wound up like a spring. Listening to every little noise in anticipation. Fear.

When 8:45 came and went, I got concerned. I got up and got my cell phone.

I had two text messages, timed 7:59:

Postponed till tomorrow night
I am ready to go to bed now

I sent him back, 8:47:

no it's off

I was zinging with fear adrenaline, which transformed into disappointment and anger. I called and left him a message. Something like this: "I didn't get your message until just now. I was sitting here waiting for you. As far as I'm concerned, it's not postponed; it's off! I'm not doing it!"

He stood me up, even though he won't see that way. He didn't make sure I got his message. He texted me! That is not an acceptable way to cancel a liaison, not even from him. I won't take his calls tomorrow.

The Blood That Bonds

2011-02-14T17:34:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading The Blood That Bonds by Christopher Buecheler. I thought it was a very good read. It had prostitution, drug addiction, vampirism, murder, sexual situations, insanity, and multiple personalities. It was not exactly what I expected, and I was pleasantly surprised. I like it when a book can surprise me.

While this book offered some surprises, it didn't surprise a lot. It had a certain genre comfort that felt worn, but good. There was a amateurish flavor to it occasionally, but I found that forgivable because the story was so interesting and I wanted to see where it would go. Unlike many books I have read recently, it was linear. But that is not necessarily a bad thing, as I have sometimes read sub-plots or side plots where I wanted an author to get back to the main story ASAP.

I enjoyed the book enough to recommend it. I was also thrilled to find out that he is writing a sequel!

Free Samples

2011-02-12T09:42:00.001-08:00

It has been a week with my Kindle, and I have to say I love it! Once I got it customized, it was just a matter of getting used to it. All new gadgets have that breaking-in period.

I like the feature in Amazon where you can download samples of books. I have downloaded samples of nearly all the books in my wish list. Last night, I read two samples that were out of my usual fare. I read them and deleted them without interest in buying the books. I was happy to have the opportunity, however, to see if they might be something I would want to finish.

On Fictionwise, I had bought "X-Rated Bloodsuckers." It expired when they went through some sort of revamp (no pun intended), and I lost access to it. It is selling for 9.99 on Amazon, so I downloaded a sample to see if I would like to buy it again. It seemed like a hefty price, since I had bought it once already. I read the sample, which was the first 3 chapters and some of chapter 4. I found it to be very funny. Raunchy, somewhat grim, interesting. I bought it because I enjoyed those chapters enough and I wanted to know how it ended.

If a book does not cost so much, I might buy it without downloading the sample. I have bought a number of 99 cent books, thinking that if I hate them, I haven't wasted much money.

I have over a hundred samples on my Kindle right now. It makes me feel like I have all these little treasures waiting to be discovered.

I Got My Kindle

2011-02-10T06:27:00.000-08:00

I got my Kindle on Monday. It was waiting for me when I got home, like a present to myself.

I have to agree with my coworker on some points. They are annoying, things I will have to get used to, but not fatal flaws. Stylistic differences, I guess you could say.

I am used to having a device with back-lighting. A device with back-lighting can be read in less than optimal light, not just in the dark. I found that reading the Kindle required me to angle it toward the light and deal with glare issues.

My Palm was a touch screen, and I didn’t realize how much of a habit it was to grab the stylus out of it’s niche and navigate with it. All the menus on the Kindle are accessed via buttons. Occasionally I found myself trying to tap the screen.

The menus are not as intuitive as I expected. I had read the Kindle User Guide in an idle moment, so I had an idea of what it could do. Sometimes, I couldn’t figure out how to make it do it, and I had to go back to the user guide.

I expected the program to be at least on par with the Mobipocket program I was using on my Palm. There are a couple of key items in the sort menu that I consider to be missing. For instance, on the Palm, it was important to keep track of space, so I could sort the books by file size. That was also a convenient way to tell the difference between books and short stories or novellas.

The Kindle has sort criteria of Most Recent First (meaning acessed), Title, and Author. If you have set up collections, that is a sort option as well. I have put over 200 items on the device. That is a lot of items to look through. Most Recent First is only marginally useful to me. Title can be useful, but it would be nice to have the option of Ascending or Descending, but it is automatically A-Z. Author would be useful, except that some of my books downloaded without an author listed. I am not sure why they did that, but it renders this sort criteria only useless to me. Author is also A-Z, with all the blank ones at the end.

So I created collections. I had to do a lot of manual adding, but that was fun for me. Someone else might find it tedious. I put the books in categories by genre. Since they can be included in more than one collection, I created one called “Currently Reading” so I can find what I am reading quickly and easily. I like the collections feature, and I think it will help me truly customize my Kindle into something personal and useful.

Overall, I like my Kindle. It is a good size. The button are small, but I have small fingers, so it is not an issue for me. I think someone with large fingers might find it difficult to use the buttons. I like the feel of it in my hand. The customization for the font, font size, and line spacing allowed me to choose a configuration that was most comfortable for me. It is a pleasure to read from it.

A book I am currently reading on my Kindle is “Mandibles,” by Jeff Strand. According to my Kindle, I have read 56% of the book. I have to say that it is awesome! It is very funny, and I am quite enjoying it. The reason it is taking me so long to read it, however, is that I hate bugs, and since the antagonists of the story are large fire ants, it makes me very tense. I know something bad is going to happen, but I’m not sure when. So I read it, laugh, get a little itchy from the ant references, and then in the particularly tense intervals, I put it down a moment to take a break.

This prompted me to look up fire ants online because I was curious about how they sting. They apparently grab on with their mandibles, and bring their butt up with the stinger and sting, like little red wingless wasps. To an entomologist, this is probably incredible, but to me it is disgusting. They are disgusting evil little bugs. I was terrified of them when I saw the welts on Dave’s sister’s feet from being attacked by a swarm of them. Yes, they make good villains.

If you like to laugh, be tense, and itch all at the same time, I highly recommend this book.

Ebooks and Conversation

2011-02-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

I decided not to get a Kindle because my reader works. But it’s old, it has horrible battery life, and it’s tiny. I’ve always liked that it’s tiny in size, because it has terrific portability. I can throw it in my purse and go. The biggest fear I had was that books I had already purchased would not be readable on the Kindle.

I found a program online (calibre) that will convert ebook formats to other ebook formats. This program ends my issues. I can have all my books in one place, organize them, easily tell what I’ve already bought, and customize them in a number of ways. And my previous eReader books can become Mobi books and I can read them on my Kindle!

So I ordered a Kindle, which should arrive on Monday. I ordered several free books on Amazon to get used to the interface. It’s okay.

My coworker is spoilt, so she has some complaints about the Kindle. It cannot auto-orient the page by changing the orientation of the unit. You have to, gasp, choose it manually. The screen is not a touch screen and it doesn’t have backlighting. All of these things are ok with me. I have a Palm Z22, not an iPhone! To me, this will be an upgrade.

Today I took an online Defensive Driving course and played Chuzzle. Then washed clothes and surfed Amazon to add books to my wish list that I may want to buy in the future.

D called. Sometimes he calls for phone sex, and sometimes he calls just to chat. He’s got boring lately because his conversations are repetitive and predictable. Money. How to get deductions, and how to make money. I mentioned that I had not taken a DD class in a long time, because they were never convenient. He said that you should always do something that will save you money because having more money will lead to greater convenience in the future. He said that L does something he called “freecycle.” Get things for free, and find a ways to make money off of it, or donate it to get deductions. Like a hobby.

He told me I should get a roommate. While it is true that someone to help foot the bills would be nice, I value my privacy. I only have one bathroom. I didn’t buy a house to add another person, I did it because I wanted my own space, my own home. No way.

I told him that there is more to life than money. I am not hurting for money. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t use more, but I am not going to make myself miserable or inconvenience myself to get it. When I survived my depression, I worked hard on reducing my debt and saving money so that I could afford my sweet boys and my house.

He decided to take a contractor job in Kuwait for two years. Supposedly, he’ll be leaving in July. When he first told me about it, I was devastated. I have abandonment issues. I don’t think he should leave his family, but I didn’t think he should leave me either. I got over that, though. I don’t care what he does, or why he does it. Two whole years without him Wow, it almost makes me dizzy to imagine that.

Our conversation came around to sex. He has occasionally talked about doing Japanese rope work. I’ve seen it done at the BDSM club I used to frequent. I had it done to me. It takes time and patience. I don’t think he would have the patience for it; I think it would bore him. He said he would get an Asian house-girl to help him, because two would tie faster than one. I told him that if he had an Asian house-girl, he wouldn’t need me. He’d be playing with her. In his inept way, he told me he would always keep me around because I was a good whore who always did what he wanted.

He rambled off into some fantasy about if he had the time he would have a woman for every week, and he would stop here every Monday. I told him that if he had that many women, I wouldn’t let him come see me. He said that when he stopped by, I would always let him in. I know that’s true; I never tell him no. So I said that if I knew he was coming, I’d go out. He said that’s why he would never tell me his schedule.

He said, “That’s why your front door is unlocked.”

I was upstairs, and that scared me. I was sure that wasn’t true. “What are you talking about?” I said, as I scooted down the stairs.

“I’m in your house right now,” he said.

But by then I was standing in front of my front door. My locked front door. I called him a crazy-ass man, or something like that.

He has always threatened to show up when I was sleeping and wake me with sex. He has never done it. It’s a little fantasy we banter about, but it isn’t practical on a number of levels. I am confident it will never happen.

Cat Agility

2011-01-31T17:50:00.000-08:00

I had an idea that I might want to turn my basement into a cat obstacle course. I could teach CK to run it. At the very least, it would distract him, give him something to do. He would get my undivided attention for a little while and maybe not be so destructive. My one problem is that I would most likely get bored before it even took off, so I don't want to pay a lot of money for the equipment. I'll try make my own if I can figure it out.

I found this story about cat agility at cat shows:
http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/2008-01-28-cat-agility_N.htm

And take a look at this for really really cute:
http://agility.cfa.org/

Resident Evil 4

2011-01-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have always been a fan of the Resident Evil movies. (I bought one of the games once for my Gamecube, but I never actually played it.) Mostly I liked Alice, Milla Jovovich’s character. The first movie had enough interesting sub plots to keep me interested, even though I am not a fan of zombies.

Zombies don’t scare me. Dead people don’t get up and try to eat people. There have been some interesting ways that authors have tried to explain it, and sometimes they even did a nearly-plausible job of it. I’ve made up my mind that it is impossible; once I’ve made up my mind, it’s very hard to change it.

Sequels are rarely as good at the original movie. I did not like the second Resident Evil movie as much as the first, but it had it’s moments. On a lazy weekend with nothing to do, I would watch it again. I only saw the third one once. I remember they were playing it on TV on a day I had to go out and I only saw a part of it for a second time.

So tonight, I was able to watch the fourth one On Demand. They made it for 3D. Because of the venue, it has some kooky moments, bullets or weapons flying at the screen, Alice in slow-motion flight.

I am not interested in 3D. When they showed Avatar, I purposely chose to see the 2D version, and I was quite happy and impressed with the movie. I don’t want to wear special glasses over my glasses. I don’t want to get visual distortions that I remember from other 3D experiences. I didn’t want to be distracted from the movie. A friend told me that I should have taken that chance, but with those prices, I didn’t think it was worth it.

I was never a fan of post-apocalyptic fiction. I always thought it was too depressing. Seriously, have you read or seen any that was cheerful? I think of Resident Evil as post-apocalyptic, with kicking ass. It was interesting what direction they decided to take for this one. Mila looks a little older, but just as cool. Where did she get such great clothes and weapons? They don’t explain it, but I guess it doesn’t matter that much. Some of the zombies had new mutations, creepy mouth mutations that reminded me of the vampires in Blade 2. Now, mutations do scare me, while the walking dead do not. They kept the action going, ramping it up with something jumping out or a new threat arising at consistent intervals. Of course, their safe haven became compromised, and they had mutated zombies jumping out for startle effects; damned mutated dead people are apparently very persistent! But not very smart when their meal jumps over the edge of a building…lemmings, anyone? The slow mo really became annoying after awhile. I understand why they did it, but I felt they over did it… water falling all around from broken pipes, like rain; wet girl, thin shirt, breasts heaving; fighting an inhumanly large man with a giant weapon, something between a colossal hammer and an axe. They used every opportunity to exploit the 3D camera. I like the choice of antagonist. That Umbrella Corporation, it is one twisted organization. It is the perfect enemy, profiteering from human suffering, amoral towards the immoral spectrum, and science based. This is your world on technology, with a suitably suave and creepy villain in charge. A mutated super villain and some mutated Dobermans against our super heroine.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie. If you liked the previous installments, I think you will like this one too.

Electronic Reading

2011-01-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

My ereader died on me yesterday. It was a Palm z22. I liked it because it was simple, and small, and I had bought an aluminum case for it that was tactilely pleasurable to me. I’ve always liked the feel of metal, strangely except for jewelry which tends to irritate me after a short time.

I did some research. I had read reviews that pointed to the Kindle as being the “best.” It certainly sounded good and I was pretty sure I was going to order one. But then I tried to find out what “PRC natively” meant, because most of my current books are in PRC format. This led me to a support page which talked about emailing ebooks to convert them. I assume to the AMZ format.

Each company these days has their own reader. Each one does something slightly different. I would hate to spend $139 or more and end up with something that disappoints me. I want a reader that reads ANYTHING. No one makes that, because they are so busy being proprietary and trying to corner the market on eBooks that they forget the one important constant: the person. If I have a reader that reads any format, or if they would all just agree and publish ONE format, then I could buy from whomever would give me the best prices. I want them to compete for my business! Or at least, just make it simpler for me to make my own choices.

My coworker said something that made me begin to think about what I already have, instead of buying something new. My HP mini. I bought this cute little pink computer when it was advertised all over TV because I wanted to use it as a way to write and access the internet while not tied to my desk. (In fact, I am sitting in bed writing this post on it right now.) It is a small, less powerful computer that has XP. I didn’t put anything sensitive on it, so that no one could hack it for my credit card numbers or something. It has book ideas, posts, music and eBooks.

I lost interest in it when my wireless router died. ($50 piece of shit.) It irritated me that I had this great little machine, and I couldn’t write then go out to my blog and post it immediately. But I bought a USB floppy drive, and I can transfer my documents that way. I also bought a USB CD ROM drive; it’s not fast enough to transfer all games to the computer, but it’s not like this tiny pc can run most of them. The screen resolution has been a detriment to them, although I did get it to run Dungeon Keeper. That was a trip down nostalgia lane!

Anyway, I had read parts of the Lost World on my Mini Me, so it can make a decent little reader. I decided that I would try to get all the reader software on it and see if I could make it work the way I wanted. The Kindle software said it needed 100 MB free space. I have that, but it seemed like a lot. Then when I fired it up, it wanted me to sign into my Amazon account. Makes me wonder if I could even use it on a computer without internet access or if that would simply limit what it could do. I wasn’t interested enough to try.

I had Mobipocket and eReader already on the computer, and I loaded Nook. I had read that Nook, from Barnes & Noble, would read ePUB. The Project Gutenberg books can be downloaded in ePUB and I will need a reader for those files. Plus, that would also allow me to read B&N books should I so choose to buy some. I got everything situated, downloaded some books in my secure formats that needed re-downloaded, and burned books on a CD and transferred them. Mini Me is a real reading and writing machine now!

So, just to see, I brought the Palm z22 upstairs and plugged it in. And guess what…? I had plugged it into a socket that was attached to a light switch. The whole time I thought it was charging, it was not; it was slowly draining to nothing. It hadn’t actually died after all! Although I didn’t need to do everything I did, I feel like I accomplished something anyway, and I learned a lot. And I still have my tiny Palm to throw in my purse to read whenever I want!

It Snowed

2011-01-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

It snowed. It took me two hours to shovel the driveway and clean off my car. While I was shoveling, I could feel myself drifting into anger. “I hate this shit… I mean, this white miracle from the sky…” That made me smile. It was beautiful, coating all the trees. The sun was shining, and it wasn’t very windy. I remembered to bring tissues with me this time; I could occasionally stop to blow my nose, so that I wasn’t so uncomfortable. Besides, at a certain point the endorphins were kicking in, and there is nothing like a good endorphin infusion to elevate the mood.

As I may have said before, my house was a foreclosure and has not been maintained. When I moved in, the storm door in the front of the house had a screen in it. I discovered that when it rained, rain dripped and pooled in the space between the storm door and the front door… then it leaked into my house. This has most likely been happening since the house was taken, and is the cause of the water damage to the hardwood by the front door. The glass for the door was in the basement, and my dad put it in. This has stopped the leak.

The storm door is old, probably the original that came with the house 10 years ago. I did not get a key for it when I moved in. The handle is a corroded brass and it has a manual lock mechanism inside. On nice sunny days, I lock the door and open the front door, and receive free heat from the sun through the glass.

Yesterday, I tried to unlock the door and it wouldn’t unlock. I could turn the mechanism to a certain point and no further. The day before, I had opened it twice and it seemed to stick, but I didn’t think that was a prelude to holding me prisoner. I went upstairs and got a pair of pliers, reasoning that I was somehow not strong enough or could not get a good enough grip to turn it. So I forced it, and I broke something internal to the mechanism. My next feat of genius was to assume I could just take the doorknob off. I unscrewed the two screws but could not see how to open it. I put on my coat, went out the back door, tramped unhappily through the snow, and approached the door from the front, looking for clues. No screws! But, when my dad had put the mechanism on the door that pulls it closed, he removed the brass fitting around the hole, thinking it was preventing the door from closing on it’s own. That wasn’t the problem, but he didn’t put it back on, and I am so thankful that he left it half done! I was able to put the screwdriver into the space and easily push the lock mechanism back into it’s housing. Voila! I could open my storm door again. On the bad side, if I want to leave my front door open, I will not have anything to lock.

CK was not pleased with all these goings on, and he went upstairs to hide. Bandit sat at the front door and watched me shovel snow. He can definitely bring a smile to my face. He has the biggest eyes, so when he stares he looks quite surprised. CK, with his tiny eyes, always looks a little furtive.

The Lost World

2011-01-24T18:55:00.000-08:00

I read a book called “Dinosaur Summer” by Greg Bear. It is set in a world where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s “The Lost World” really happened. The last dinosaur circus is closing down and an expedition is launched to take the dinosaurs back to the Lost World where they were captured.

It has been on my book shelf for awhile. Sometimes, I have to wait for the mood to strike to actually read a specific book. I like Greg Bear a lot. I consider him to be one of my favorite authors. That being said, I sometimes find his books get weird. There is usually a flaw that makes me say, “hmm.”

It seemed to be written for a younger audience. Cursing was minimal and mild. The hero is 15 years old boy. The opportunities to show gore were down-played. Still, it was a page-turner. I always wanted to know what was going to happen next. The one thing I didn’t like was that he made up animals that never existed. I expected only dinosaurs and prehistoric animals.

Because of the setting of the book, I became interested in “The Lost World.” I never actually read it. What I know about it has come from shows and movies. I used to watch the series on channel 17. It is possible to know a story through popular culture when you haven’t read the original work.

I found the website Project Gutenberg. I have to say that I love this site and I love this idea. I love the idea that eventually all books, any book, could be available to people. I might wake up one day and decide I want to read something that has been out of print for a long time. With me, often one thought leads to another, and I want to read what inspired another work. Due to Project Gutenberg, I can now say that I have actually read the original Alice in Wonderland and War of the Worlds.

So today at work, we weren’t too busy, so I started reading “The Lost World.” Oh my, is it good! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle obviously loved words. Being a language buff myself, I was very impressed. His descriptions were quite elaborate, yet extremely vivid, and occasionally amusing. I was filled with admiration for his work. It was so completely enjoyable to read!

However, I was conscious of the challenge it would be to bring this to the screen. After reading one extremely verbose and complicated paragraph that was dialogue of Professor Challenger, I realized that as much fun as it was to read, I wouldn’t want to actually listen to it. I was impressed at how much real life is different from print, yet how print can bring reality to such vivid life. No wonder no other media seemed to do justice to the story. It isn’t just about the plot. It’s about how he decided to bring the plot to life.

I have always had a deep respect for writers. I know that the process of writing is creating things that didn’t exist before. The writer decides everything, from what words to use to what punctuation goes where. It is powerful. When I am writing something that really happened, I still decide what details to include and which ones to exclude. I own that experience and I can write it the way I know it. No one else would write it quite the same way, even if they had essentially the same experience. I have always felt a little jealous after reading a really good book, thinking, “I could never do that.” The trick is, you learn to do it your way. You can’t write like someone else. You write like you.

Booty Call

2011-01-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

As you may know, the house I finally bought is in the same neighborhood as D & L. They are at the beginning of the street, and I am at the end of the street. When the house came on the market and L told me about it, I dismissed it out-of-hand. I did not think living so close was healthy for me. I even made an offer on a house, and fell in love with another house which went on and off the market like a yo-yo and I never got a chance to offer, both many many miles out of town. I can’t say I didn’t try. But for the money, and for the location, this was the best buy. Even with it’s flaws, I love my house, and the boys love it too.

D and I have had about as much contact as we did when I was at the apartment. That is to say, mostly by phone. On a weekend, when he is off by himself at work and I am at home, he calls me to tell me to masturbate for him.

Tuesday night he called me for my first actual booty call since I’ve lived here. When the phone rang at a few minutes to 10 pm, I knew it was him. I picked up the phone and his soft voice growled in my ear, asking what I was doing. I thought he wanted to come over, but he was home alone, L was out with friends, and the kids were in bed. He wanted me to come to him. I asked a couple of questions to clarify. Then I agreed.

I hesitated a moment, regretting that the season premiere of White Collar was about to come on and I would miss it, but I knew they would repeat it another time. I was not dressed to go out, and in other circumstances would have put on proper clothes. I was in my pajamas; a too-small tank top, thin knit pants, and fuzzy socks. All were in non-matching shades of blue, and green, and purple; plaid pants, striped socks. I slipped on my black slippers, put on my winter coat, and walked out to the car. I figured that if people could walk around the grocery store in their pajamas, I could drive down the street in mine.

As I approached his house, I saw a car coming my way. I went slow enough to make sure it wasn’t L coming home. Sometimes she forgets things, and has to return home to pick them up. It really wouldn’t do to get caught like that. I have my doubts that he cleared it with her. But I maintain that it’s not my business. It’s his job to clear it with her, and mine to do as he asks.

I pulled into the driveway and sidled into the house. He was wearing a tee shirt and shorts as tight as underwear. He hushed the dog and she sniffed my slippers curiously, obviously smelling the cats. The lights were low, giving the room a shadowy flavor.

He pushed his shorts down and I went to my knees. I sucked his flaccid cock and brought him to hardness. Then I did the best moves I could remember, using my hand to squeeze him while working him with my mouth and tongue. When I agreed to this, I had known there was a chance that this was all I would get, so I worked towards getting him off.

He made little moans that let me know he was enjoying himself. He let me control the depth and motion, but eventually he grabbed my head and gagged me on his cock. That could have been the beginning of something rougher, but it was actually the end of the oral.

He had me get up and turn around. He pulled my pants down and had me get on the floor in front of him. I knew the position well, head down ass up. As he sought my entrance with is cock, he hit a dry spot on my skin and had some difficulty proceeding. I thought about guiding or helping, but let him do it. He persisted, and entered me with a scrape of skin that was shocking and a little painful. But once inside, he slid into hot wetness. He fucked me for awhile, nice and deep, making me moan as he hit some good spots.

He must have wanted to savor and not come too quickly. He pulled all the way out, and pushed back into me. I could hear the wet sounds of my arousal sloshing on his cock. He did it for about ten strokes. I wanted to push back on him, make him fuck me deep and hit those spots again. Instead, I held my ground and waited for him to decide.

“You’re lucky,” he said. “I’m taking it easy on you tonight.” That statement has reverberated in my consciousness, welling up in my memory. It means he know that I do not enjoy everything he does to me. I keep thinking, he knows but he doesn’t care.

He asked where I wanted him to come, in my ass or my pussy. I said my pussy. I had enjoyed the light fucking but I wanted it harder. I knew that he would really do it when he got closer to his moment. He grabbed my hips, and fucked me hard, and came inside me.

When he was done, I got up and put my clothes back together.

I said, “I have missed that,” and kissed him.

He said, “I know,” and smiled.

He said he was going upstairs to take a quick shower, and I put on my coat and left. I guess he didn’t want to smell like my pussy when L got home.

When I got home, I realized I was beginning to leak wetness inside my pants. Since I was not wearing panties, it could have become messy pretty quickly. I ducked into my powder room and cleaned up. The cats sniffed me over. Bandit was particularly interested in a spot on my pant leg. Since I had knelt on the floor, there were a number of scents he could have smelled. It is at those moments, I wish they could talk to me, tell me what they smell. Of course, as he had fucked me and the dog had watched; it seems a very good thing that animals cannot talk!

This is Now

2011-01-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

I took a day off because I feel that I am in jeopardy of burning out. At work, we have been so busy and so short-handed, that it really begins to wear on me. I try to keep up the pace, try to keep the smile on my face, but it gets a little harder every day. I have to rest so that I can come back to the game strong.

I am only within the first month of paying the bills for the house. I am being so careful with money. There are things that I need, and I am so afraid of what bills may come, that I wait. An estimated budget is all well and good. I need to see the actual figures to determine how it's all going to fall out each month. I have faith that I can do this, but I also have caution.

There is so much that happened, so much I could have written. I suppose I didn't because it seemed so mundane, only exciting to me. Painting, watching the cats acclimatize to the house, feeding squirrels, shovelling snow. I was unaccountably thrilled to set up trash pickup service. It is an expense that, as a renter, you would take for granted. But as a homeowner, what surer badge of ownership is there than having your own trash can and wheeling it down to the curb the night before trash day?

The house does not feel like home yet. There is a surreal quality to driving home, seeing this development I used to enter as a guest, and knowing that I am going to my house. Driving up to my house, with the front blinds glowing with light from the lamp, which I put on a timer. The house is waiting for me. The cats no longer run when I come through the door. They look out the window as I pull up, and wait to greet me when I walk in.

When I stop to think about it, no it doesn't feel like home, but it feels good. I've begun to put my items where they go, but I still have empty spaces that someday will need to be filled. My dining room, for instance, is a big open space, because I never had room for so much as a table in my apartment.

I think what worked well for the cats was that I tried to get us all back into a routine. What time we eat, what time we go to bed, what time I go to work, what I do when I get home. They were able to get used to the differences because so much stayed the same. Now, to them, it's like nothing has ever been different.

I had dreams of my ex-fiance for a couple of weeks. Maybe it is because I had planned that when I bought a house, it would be with him Or maybe because I had always thought that one day he would show up on my doorstep, and a part of me thinks, "Now he won't know where I've gone." In one of the dreams I was given an opportunity to take him back, and I said no. I found that to be pretty significant, especially since I found him on Facebook and considered looking at his page. I resisted. I am very proud of myself, actually. There is a lot of curiosity in me to know what has become of him, but I cannot see any good coming of it. It has been six years since we talked. Apparently, there is nothing to say.

I hurt my arm when I moved, and I've been dealing with a considerable amount of pain, thankfully not constantly. It makes daily life a little bit challenging. It is like when I hurt myself before... the way to heal is to NOT use it, but I need to use it. I need to pick up groceries, I need to pick up laundry, and I needed to shovel snow. The way the other injury finally healed was when I had my gall bladder out and could not do anything for a month. I am trying to baby this injury without putting my life on hold. It's not like when I was twenty and a wrenched muscle healed in a week. I have to be more careful.

When Cataclysm came out, I bought that and reinstated my World of Warcraft account. I had taken a hiatus from it for about a year. I played the new quests with my level 80 and got her to level 85. I enjoyed the new content very much. I felt they did an awesome job of varying the quests, as well as grouping them, and spicing them with cut scenes. I am currently working on the Archaeology profession and the Stormwind daily quests. I am getting a little bored again.

I am still involved in Pony Island. The good thing about it is that I can be as involved as I want, or not, and it doesn't matter. As long as I keep them fed on a monthly basis, they will wait for me. Not that I ever let it get that far. Idleness even has a bit of an advantage, because I continue to accrue the daily 1000 pony gold without spending any of it.

Pony Island came out with new Special Genes and Limited Starters. December was an exciting month on the site, so I have ponies to breed and projects to consider. After I am done selling my Netherweave bags and doing my Stormwind daily quests on WoW, I can hop onto Pony Island and micromanage my accounts.

Home Inspection

2010-10-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

I had the home inspection yesterday. It cost me $510, but I do feel like I got my money's worth. He explained everything, even things I wouldn't have thought to ask. He seemed to know what he was talking about and he definitely liked his job. Outside of being an inspector, he was also a contractor and a carpenter.

Good news, bad news...

The windows in the basement are not flashed correctly. They were framed with wood, and the wood is rotting. Both windows are leaking. There is water damage all down the wall, warping and softening the baseboards. He said that the carpet would act like a sponge, basically drawing water into the rest of the basement, causing water damage and mold to the utility door and closet door. Once the flashlight was shown on the left wall, we could see that it was covered in light-colored mold.

I was pretty horrified. I knew there was no way FHA would approve financing once they saw that. Not to mention the great extent of the damage if I would have to deal with it myself. It was way beyond the little bit of mold we originally noticed. Behind the drywall has got to be a toxic mess!

This is not new. According to the inspector, this was probably going on for 11 years. It amazes me that it was never addressed. If the windows had been fixed, this problem would not be this bad.

My Realtor asked what I wanted to do. At this point, I could just walk away. I told her that I wanted to see if they would fix the damage and replace the windows. If they will do this, I will do the rest. Amazingly, they agreed to remediate the mold! The representative said that they don't guarantee they will put new drywall up, nor can she guarantee they will replace the windows. However, since the windows are the source of the leak, it is likely they will. If they don't, I won't take the house. Had I known there were defective, rotting windows in the basement, I wouldn't have even made an offer on the house!

There are other minor issues. The front door is not hung right, nor does it have proper weather stripping. I will need a new front door. This has caused water damage to the hardwood floors. Not to mention that the floor was not well taken care of anyway. It will need refinished. Some of the plumbing has leaks; I'll need a plumber. A pipe on the roof needs a new fitting, which has caused a small leak. The bump-out on the front of the house is wood, not vinyl, and needs painted; some of the wood is probably rotting and I fear that will end up being a bigger job than I expect. The patio in the back is poured right up to the tiny basement window window wells. Part of the patio should be taken out and a bigger well made around the windows. (I am hoping that they need to do part of this to replace those defective windows. If not, I have plans on what to do.) Four window panes in the front bedroom have broken seals. The rugs, of course, are a tragedy, especially in the stairwell.

OMG, what have I gotten myself into?

Bug in My Cleavage

2010-09-25T18:05:00.001-07:00

This afternoon, as I was putting my groceries in the car, a beetle flew by. I waved my hand at it. I didn't know where it went, but I assumed it flew away.

I got in my car and began driving home. I felt a tickle between my breasts. I thought it was because it was a hot day and I was sweaty, although I had a small suspicion. The tickle was too subtle to be sure. No, the bug couldn't be down my shirt.

When I stopped at a red light, I felt it again. For the heck of it, I looked down my shirt. The bug was down my shirt!

I "eeked" and scooped it out onto the floor. The beetle was walking around in my cleavage! Or maybe just sitting there, enjoying the ride!

They Accepted My Offer

2010-09-25T17:04:00.001-07:00

They accepted my offer and I am well on my way to owning this house! Last week I signed papers. Hopefully this coming week I can have my lender start the mortgage and we can set up the inspections.

I've been worried because of the cleanup I am going to need to do. The owner was a heavy smoker who smoked in the house. Everything needs cleaned. But I've looked up products and advice on how to do that and I feel confident that I can handle it. It'll need primed and painted as well, but if I can clean it up well I will wait on the painting for a little bit.

I don't have a real plan for this house yet. Today, I walked through Lowe's. I had certain things I wanted to look at, but I kept getting distracted. I walked through the appliances and browsed refrigerators. I went to the paint department and picked up paint swatches. I browsed the rugs, the lamps, and the blinds. I was literally dizzy from all the choices.

In terms of paint, I had watched something on YouTube that made a lot of sense. She said that you should choose the "grayed out" colors over the bright ones. I really want to paint something blue! That was when I realized that a nice blue-gray would look sophisticated. I could also carry the color into the kitchen/dining room, because there is no door. I could use a slightly lighter shade in the kitchen, because it's a darker room, than in the living room, keeping the theme "monochromatic."

I was worried about doing something too strange. If I happened to do something a little unconventional, I don't think it wouldn't matter. I am not planning on selling any time soon... My idea for my bedroom is to paint it a wine or maroon color with sage green trim. I have a blanket I crocheted that would serve as a template. It's a color scheme I fell into by accident, but I think it could look really sophisticated if done carefully. Wine, purple, and sage.

Of course, it's all conjecture. But it gives my mind something to do while I wait for it all to come together.

Sadist

2010-09-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

D wants to let off a little steam, get some sex, rough me up. He wants to come up here and have me call out sick. He and L fought all day yesterday over it. I am surprised he bothered to tell her. He quit telling her these things a long time ago because of the fights. She wants sex and D is sticking to the "6 weeks after childbirth" rule.

But he doesn't want vanilla sex, anyway. He wants to let the sadist out.

She wrote some really nasty things on Facebook about him. Not unwarranted of course. He is an inconsiderate asshole who only worries about himself. The well-being of his wife and mother of his children takes second place to his cock. I wasn't sure that it was about him. I was going to call her and ask if she was all right. I am glad I didn't!

He called me this morning, and I told him I would not call out tomorrow. I have been out of work for a week and I cannot call out for sex. We can do a little something, but he cannot hurt me too badly. Since this house thing is pending, and I might need to call in favors for time off or come-in-late in the near future, I cannot allow sex to jeopardize my job.

I usually don't tell him no. It makes me feel bad. It is my nature to please.

Rather than take the 45 minutes that we could manage tomorrow, he said no, we would postpone. It's just as well. I am not up for him right now.

Third Time's A Charm?

2010-09-11T13:27:00.000-07:00

Eeep! I put an offer on a house!

We went back and looked at the house. That man who owned it was a smoker. The house stinks. I hope I am not allergic to the house! It means that cleaning and painting is an absolute must. There is also some mold in the basement. There is a clause in my offer that if it will cost more than $500 to fix, I can back out. It looks like two doors and some drywall in the basement closet are effected. An inspector should be able to give me a better idea of what we are facing and if this is too big of a risk.

I am a little shell-shocked. I don't really believe it right now. It's exciting and scary. And I still may not get it. I don't even dare to dream or plan at this point because I don't want to be heart-broken again if this doesn't go through.

Full Circle

2010-09-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

I asked to go back and see the house. We went, I figured out everything that would need attention, and we went back to the office to make an offer.

There were wasps in the shed.
The houses was pretty filthy, so it would need to be cleaned.
The baseboards might need replaced and/or painted.
There was mold in the sink cabinet in the garage, so the sink would need to be taken out.

My Realtor called to see if the discoloration under the base board paint was mold or if the listing agent had an idea of what it might be. He called her back, and she said, "You've got to be kidding! .... O.K., thank you."

My heart sank. I knew from her tone that the house had been sold. When she got off the phone, she said he should have listed it on the site as "under consideration," or "awaiting signatures," or something to show that the house might not be available anymore. We wasted time looking at it again, and I really was going to do this. I put my heart into this and it was a big let down, a big disappointment.

That is two houses I didn't get. I really hope there is a reason for this. I hope this means that there is something else meant for me.

I have looked at houses that I didn't consider at first. Sometimes these are treasures waiting to be found. I looked at the foreclosure property in D's development and I actually like it a lot. There are so many advantages to the area and to the house. I didn't want to look at it because it is only two bedrooms and I wanted three. I also wanted to get out of town, but I found that I would have to change my cable provider and this way I could port it over. It's closer to work. And I have friends down the street who say they would help me with things.

I do worry because it is so close to D & L. I could get taken advantage of. If this was the first house I looked at, this might look a little stalkerish. It's not, of course. I've looked at so many houses.

One of the houses we looked at today was big, but I was not thrilled with the area. It backed to a shopping center and it seemed a little dangerous to me. The owners had a chair shoved under the back door doorknob. Nice locking mechanism. I thought maybe there was a reason they felt a need to do that. They also had several cats, although I only saw two. There were 4 water dishes, about six food bowls, in the kitchen. Their rugs were pretty bad. Some of the stains were obviously, to my trained eye, cat puke.

Most places need new rugs. This house I have avoided has main floor hardwood floors. It has the brick front that I love, love, love. It has a concrete patio instead of a deck. It has one full bathroom on the second floor, but it is a good size. In the houses I've looked at with two bathrooms on the second floor, they tend to be puny to make up for the space they are occupying. So there are some real advantages.

I'll ask for another walk-through and then we'll see. I'll probably try to make an offer on this one and see if this was meant to be. It feels like coming full circle, and it is very, very strange.

I couldn't sleep last night...

2010-09-06T10:41:00.001-07:00

I couldn't sleep last night, trying to think about how this house could be decorated to make it more useful. My Realtor sent me some pictures of similar houses and how they were decorated. Everyone seemed to make it a formal or informal living room. No matter how big the furniture was, it all looked dwarfed by the amazing staircase.

The front wall is standard sized with a nice big window. From there, it slopes up to a vaulted ceiling with an open staircase. It has an arched window on the first landing, then turns and goes up again. It provides the feel almost of a loft when you get to the top. The staircase is the first place your eye will go when you walk into the room.

I wouldn't make this a full living space, because I foresee I would spend most of the time in the back room by the sliding glass doors. But every day when I left and came home, I would walk through that room. How could I make it useful?

I decided that a bookcase or book shelves could be made high enough to draw the eye and provide decorating space. A couple of chairs and a floor lamp could create a vignette, a place to sit and read. A bench could be put under the window, a place I could sit, take off my shoes, and put down whatever I was carrying. I could set up a charging station for my rechargeables and have a place to sit and talk on the phone. (Not that I know how to sit still when I'm on the phone.)

This is an overall darker house than the other one, so I want to user lighter, brighter colors than I planned on. I have to rethink the Safari Theme. I may still be able to bring a taste of the wild in, but it won't be the exactly what I had expected.

I am almost looking forward to the challenge of doing something that no one else has thought of. I want people to say "wow" when they come in, and I want to enjoy coming home. My only lament is that is still seems like wasted space. I'd have preferred one big living room rather than this kind of split.

I Saw A Snake

2010-09-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

When I came back from the grocery store, and I was walking to the building, laden with groceries, I saw something on the sidewalk. My eye went to it because it was unusual. It looked a little bit like a stick.

"Oh, it's a snake!" I exclaimed. Anyone who heard me would probably have been surprised at the glee in my voice.

It was a tiny snake just sitting there, minuscule tongue flickering. It was so cute! I had a moment where I though of those guys on Snake Wranglers. Should I jump on him and catch him?

But no, my hands were full of grocery bags. I told him he should go into the bushes and I stepped close to him, herding him. He slithered away into the bushes. I wish I had gotten a picture of him, but I didn't want something to happen to him before I could come back with a camera.

A few weeks ago, the neighbor's cat, Lucy, caught a mouse. I saw her laying there looking all proud, and the dead rodent laying a couple of feet away. I told her she was a good girl. Later, I kicked it into the bushes because it was attracting ants.

So it makes sense. Where there are mice, there are snakes.

Looking at More Houses

2010-09-05T13:41:00.001-07:00

Well, "my" house is gone. It's not on the market anymore. My Realtor said she would look into it, see if he would still consider selling. I was disappointed last night, but I slept well and was ready to shop today.

I may have found another one that I like. It is an "as is" property, but I took my Dad with me. He thought it was in a good area, and what needed to be done was minimal and do-able. I trust his judgment.

I have to admit I had concerns about the hardwood floors in the other house. I had visions of CK slipping and falling down the stairs, at least once. I would feel obligated to buy rugs for so many parts of that space. One of the properties we saw today had laminate floors. I thought they were wood, but my Dad knew the difference. It gave me an idea that if the price of replacing the carpet is comparable to replacing it with wood-look laminate, I could do that. They would be really easy to take care of and I wouldn't be worried every second of the day that they cats were scratching it all up.

One of the reasons I was not immediately in love with the house was that the layout of the first floor was odd. You walk in the front door into a small living room. There is an open and quite striking stairway to the second floor. Through a small hallway, you enter a kitchen, family room, dining room combo. I felt like the placement of the stairs broke the house in half. I assume that I would spend most of my time in the back of the house, so the front room would be almost useless.

Then behind the kitchen, there is a room that had been converted out of the garage. (Strangely, it contained a sink.) They had built in french doors. That room could replace the fact that there is no basement, perhaps some storage and my exercise equipment. The upstairs has three big bedrooms. I was really impressed with the size! I only wish the downstairs layout showed off the bigness that is obvious when you go upstairs.

I am really leaning toward that house. I'd like to get the price down a bit more. There are some updates I am going to have to make, and/or beg my Dad to do, so bringing it down closer to my original budget would help me make those changes. I didn't want a yard quite that big, but it does have a shed, which impressed me. It is also fully fenced, so I might be able to let the boys out in the back yard.

The only reason I wanted a basement is because in a townhouse, the basements tend to be finished and you have more room. I assumed that I couldn't get good square footage without a basement. This house is the biggest for the money that I've seen at 1750 square feet.

What I have wanted to find is a house I love, that I can live in and make more me. I'm not planning on flipping it. I wanted to be able to walk in and say, this is me. I wonder if I will always regret the house that got away. Or can I make this odd layout work for me? What could that room be if a formal living room is something I don't need?

The Waiting Is Over

2010-08-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

The waiting is over. I found out that the loan that I thought was going to be the best thing I could possibly do for myself is not the miracle I thought it was going to be. At first, I was very upset. I thought this meant that I couldn't afford a house, I couldn't do this, I would be trapped in this apartment forever.

But the next day, I got all my numbers together. I can still do this. I'll just have to be more conscious of the upper limits. I have only a certain amount of funds, because of the down payment and the closing costs. I have to keep a tight reign on all of this if I want to succeed. It seems like every time I turn around, there is another fee...

There is a house in D&L's neighborhood that is a foreclosure up for sale. L really seems to want me to move there. I'm not quite sure why, to be honest.

I am in love with the house down-state. I am coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't get it, because I really have to low-ball him on the cost. Not because the house isn't worth it, but because it's what I can afford. Next weekend, we will look at more houses. Now that I am not tied to one area, there are more possibilities than ever.

I spend Saturday with L and the two little ones. The new baby looks so much like L. She says she's ready to stop, even though she knows he wants two more kids. He wants a boy.

One of the reasons I want to move away is that I sometimes feel jealous. I feel like it should have been my life and they should have been my kids. I guess my obsessive nature kicks into overdrive. It's not my life, and I never wanted kids. I think it would be good for me to put distance between us. New feels clean to me. I never thought I'd feel that way, since I have always needed to be in my comfort zone.

I have been looking at decorations online. I am trying to develop an idea of what I want to do with the house. I went to Art.com and found pictures I wanted. A male lion, a leopard in a tree, and a cheetah mother and cub. They are photographs of real big cats in Africa. It inspired me with the thought of making this a Safari Themed Living Room. I could get a leopard print rug, a brown micro-suede sectional, and animal print accent pillows. It would fit with the hunter green bamboo curtains I fell in love with.

Originally my vision was of blue and cool. Now I'm looking forward to putting together something more exotic. A celebration of big-catness. I bookmarked everything so that I can go back later and change my mind at any time.

Hobbies

2010-08-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am a woman of many hobbies.

I have started to go through my apartment in order to clean it up for the move. I am discarding anything that I don't need or want. I want to move as few items as possible when the time comes.

I have several boxes dedicated to jewelry making. Beads, findings, tools, and finished items. I have several boxes dedicated to cross stitch. I have many boxes of yarn for my crochet. I go through stages of interest, then my interest wanes and I move onto something else. I have books, games, music, Beanie Babies, and figurines. All of what survived the first purge. I remains to be seen what survives the second purge.

I have already gotten rid of some books. Since I have been reading and collecting electronic books, some of the paper books have been rendered redundant. I sold two pairs of shoes I knew I would never where again, and I threw out some that I have worn to the ground and won't wear another season. I had a couple of dragons I believe were bought at Gen Con during those vacations I used to take with Norman. I found that I am actually rather tired of looking at them, and out they went. I plan on getting rid of that horrid desk he left me as well. My grandmother told me not to throw out any furniture, but I don't even want that hideous thing in my new house.

As I am going through the boxes, and the closets, and the book cases, I am re-igniting my old interests.

I started playing Monster Rancher Advance 2. It's a cute little game of raising and fighting monsters in tournaments. I was able to get the Dragon and the Zan special monsters.

I finished making a blanket for D's daughter that had sat idly by for months.

I decided on a background color for a plastic canvas picture of Celtic Sea Horses I designed and have started filling it in.

I fired up my Pattern Maker and adapted a pattern I named Celtic Water Dogs to the 135 x 105 plastic canvas size.

I created a new pattern with an Eye of Horus and the word "Protect" against a brightly colored geometric pattern. I got the pattern out of the book Celtic Charted Designs by Co Spinhoven, but it didn't look overly Celtic, so it still fits the Egyptian theme. I plan to hang it in my new house as a good omen, kind of my own Home-Sweet-Home.

It is nice to be creative again.

From Psych on USA:
"Have you ever been tested for idiocy?"

Saturday

2010-07-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

I took CK to the vet for his shots. He is my new Super Star. The question I always seem to get: "Is he this good at home?" The answer, of course, is Hell No. He's the biggest pain in the ass cat I have ever had, but I can't stay mad at him. He is also the sweetest guy around. He's my House Tiger, my little force of nature.

He is 13 pounds, but he's long and tall. I noticed that he didn't look like he could stand up fully in the carrier. The vet said that for short distances, that isn't a problem. And truly, he would probably lie down the whole time anyway. I put the carrier up front with me, and he stared at me all the way home. Sometimes I think that he would have done better in a home with more excitement and more socialization, but he really is MY baby.

My Realtor emailed me and said that the loan would not be available until October. It depresses me a bit, because I am afraid that the house I want will not be available at that time. Of course, if it is, I would be in a better position to ask them to reduce the price. If it isn't, then it wasn't meant to be. Strictly speaking, I don't believe in "meant to be." But if someone else buys this house while I am not able to, it amounts to the same thing. I can't do anything about it one way or another.

Two months and change is not so bad. It means I might be moving in November. At least it won't be so hot. Not horribly freezing cold either. Maybe I'll have a sunny, cool autumn day for move-in day.

2010-07-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

We went out and looked at three houses today.

One was in a bad area, but not a bad house. One was very dirty, probably bank-owned, but otherwise in good shape.

And one was "my" house again, just to get a better look at it. It is amazing how your memory will fade with time, even in such a short time. We looked at it much better, and I still love it. There are things to keep in mind, things that need attention, things that might need replaced. I took a realistic look at it. I love the foyer; I love the bay windows in the kitchen and the living room; I love the quirky double doors on the master bedroom; I love the size of the yard and that it backs up to nothing; and I love the hardwood floors.

The house is listed for $175,000. The other houses in that development are listed higher, and it has come down about $19,000 from when it was originally listed. I don't know how much the owner would be willing to come down. The house is currently vacant, which could work in my favor. They longer it doesn't sell, the more the owner will want to unload it, even if he has to lower it. But the loan I am counting on which would, by my calculations, be pretty much essential in getting this comfortably is about 60 - 90 days away from having funds. It's a government loan and they ran out of money.

I asked my Realtor, "In your opinion, if I wanted to make an offer on the house, should I wait until the funds become available for that loan and I can officially apply for it?"

She said yes, but she also started talking about things we could do, contingencies we could put in place pending the loan funds. That is asking a lot of patience of the seller, which I already suspected. We might go through a lot, and might not end up getting the house anyway. She is going to look into some things for me and get back to my by Tuesday.

I am trying to talk myself down to a realistic level of desire. It seems probable to me that with this time frame, I probably won't get this house. There is too much that can go wrong. I can't shut myself off to other possibilities, even when the voice in my head says, "yes, this is where I want to be."

It's exciting and scary. I wish I could fast-forward past all this and open my eyes in my new home, wherever that home will actually be. The suspense is killing me!

Fears

2010-07-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I wanted a house. When Norman left, I despaired because I didn't think I could do it myself. I expect to have two incomes and two brains to apply to the process. He would understand things I didn't. He would think of things I forgot. It is scary to rely entirely on myself for this.

Along the way, I have realized there are so many stages to get scared about. There is a little voice inside that is scared to take real steps forward. Talking to someone, looking at houses, these things are not real commitments. I could look at houses for a long time without having to pick one. Being prequalified is different from being preapproved. Each concrete step forward causes the little voice inside to cry out in fear.

I keep pressing on, though. I could see myself in that house. Can I get it? Will someone else buy that house and nix my chances at it? Will a different house catch my eye?

I emailed my Realtor that I wanted to look at the house again, and I emailed the Lender asking questions about the preapproval process and what I would be applying for. It seems like my desire to be out of here trumps the fear!

Happy

2010-07-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

I decided to get rid of my mirror blog, http://kntconfessions.redlightblog.com. They made changes to it, and it became cumbersome and hard to update. I kept it and tried to be patient, because I had paid a lifetime membership to the original site. I didn't want to get rid of it because I essentially owned that blog. So while that blog site got worse, Blogspot improved. They made so many changes that make this site easier to navigate and update.

In preparation for deleting the blog, I deleted some of the old entries, going back to 2004. Strictly speaking, it isn't necessary for me to delete those posts. I just wanted to. I didn't read the posts, but I read some of the titles. It amazes me how much I've grown and changed from those days... From gotta have sex and getting high on my own body chemistry, to being able to take or leave sex. Most of the time I don't even think about sex anymore, and I don't miss it much. I went from not believing in a future, pretty much figuring I would be dead before I had to come to terms with anything I'd done, to taking steps towards improving my life and my future. From being depressed and suicidal, to actually... happy.

I know I'll get kicked again. I know I won't be happy 24/7 for the rest of my life. It's just the way life is. But I am happy, and I am really grateful to feel this good right now.

House Hunting

2010-07-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

I decided to buy a house. I am tired of being in the dinky apartment. I want something that is mine. I want to be able to fulfill some of my dreams.

Since I was a little girl, I wanted to breed cats. I studied cat genetics. I went to cat shows. I loved all of that. But the reality is that there are requirements to breeding cats that I do not meet, and may never meet. There are also many accidental cats out there that need homes. I decided I wanted to foster pregnant cats for the humane societies.

The first step towards that possibility is getting a house. I cannot do that here. The apartment complex would not agree to it and the humane societies wouldn't give me a cat without that permission. Even if they could, there is not enough space here for my two, a female and a litter.

This is a dream I believe would make my life more fulfilling. Would I have trouble giving them back? Sure. But giving them back is the currency for me being able to have another one. More kittens please! Or maybe I will find that the experience isn't what I expected, and I won't want to do it again. Who knows, but I can't wait to find out!

In the mean time, I have begun to look for a house. I went out looking today with my Realtor. It was not the first time I looked for houses, but today was the first time I was able to actually go into them. Of course the more expensive ones were the ones I liked. They were the nicest and best maintained. I did find one I liked a lot.

The house is an end unit Townhouse, list price of $175,000. It has come down $18,900 since it was listed in May. It is a short sale. For me, this is actually kind of expensive. I was looking to spend more like $150,000 or below.

The house had new white paint and nice hardwood floors. The only thing I saw that might need attention was new carpeting, but that seems to be standard in the places I'm looking. The deck off the living room was very small and was more of a balcony, because there was no stairs to the yard. The door to the yard was in gorgeous finished basement. The yard was small, but that is actually good for me. The cats don't need a yard. I could probably confine them to the balcony if I was going to let them out at all. It was open, it had nice windows, and it didn't back up to any other house.

The house is currently empty. When we went in, there were lots of cards on the counter. My Realtor commented that it had been shown a lot, but that people must think that it is overpriced. I personally don't think it is overpriced, as much as I could afford it better if it was cheaper. It makes me nervous though, because what if I fell in love with that house and I can't have it?

I have more houses to look at. I have been pre-qualified, but I need to go through the pre-approval process. I need to see if there is anything I need to do, like take a First Time Homebuyer class, which everyone seems to think I should do. I don't like people telling me what to do. I am a little stubborn that way. I have done lots of research and I am pretty clear what I need to do, who does what, and what to expect. But if I have to, I'll do it, and I'll try to get some benefit out of it.

My grandmother does not want me to move. I am close to her house and convenient. Not that she's been here but two times in 9 years. Where I am planning to move is probably about an hour from where I live now. It's still only about a half an hour from where I work. I cannot buy a house in this area because I could never afford it. A Townhouse across the street is listed for $255,000. So I have to head South.

I talked to her today, and she said she spoke to my uncle. He asked if I knew the other expenses involved in maintaining a house. That irritated me. Give me some credit; I've thought of that. I'm not going to say, "OMG, I have to pay for utilities?! They don't pick up my trash for free?!" I don't get many "free" things now. I am used to paying bills. And have talked to people and read things, so I am aware of what those bills will be.

She told me I should stay here, pay off my debt and save money. The problem with that strategy is that the houses that are out there now that I can afford will not be there when the market gets stronger. I will be trapped here, and that is unacceptable to me. I am not getting any younger, my prince isn't going to come on a white steed and rescue me, and I can do this now with the means that I have available. I have never been ready to do this before, and I am so ready now!

I am happy and motivated. This is a big project for me. I made up my mind, and I won't let any fears steer me away from what I want.

Relaxing

2010-05-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

I ended up getting a cold. I was out of work sick on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of last week. My nose is still running and I have a bit of a cough. I can't stand blowing my nose all the time. Then it just fills up again. But the cold medicine has helped. That must be one of Humanity's greatest innovations. We can't cure these suckers yet, but we sure can reduce the symptoms.

Think about how much we take for granted. I can't imagine living without such necessities as cold medicine, shampoo and soap, and air conditioners. You can romanticize the medieval times all you like, but I don't think you'd find it all that pleasant to live then.

I don't have anything to do this weekend, and I like it that way. I set my ponies into their hourly contests for future times and limited it to one account so that the only thing I have to do is vet them and allocate a couple of experience points. I've spent the rest of my time reading a book I bought by "accident" by not responding to my Featured Selections on SFBC.com. It's called Alien Crimes edited by Mike Resnick. It has been a long time since I just sat and read something, so I am enjoying it. I read a story by Harry Turtledove that was quite entertaining, and it strikes me that I haven't read any of his stuff before. I will look him up and see what I can find.

Tomorrow I'll do my errands. Today, I'm just relaxing. With three days to do it in, I still have plenty of time.

Rearrangements

2010-05-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

Work has been so awful these past couple of weeks. I didn't realize the extent of my stress until I screamed at CK repeatedly for doing his stupid shit, and I couldn't sleep.

New things CK learned: How to get on the other counter, and from there, onto the refrigerator and that stupid space between the kitchen cabinets and the the ceiling. I had stored stuff up there so that he couldn't destroy them. I had to make other arrangements. Last night he jumped to the top of my curio cabinet.

Everything of any value that I have are in the curio cabinet because it is glassed in with doors. Glass, limited edition porcelain, and my Windstone sculptures. If he were to knock that over, everything of any sentimental value I own would be smashed. I have given him so much, done so much for him... why can't I have my own stuff? I was so angry.

I love him to death. I am even pretty proud of his intelligence, his energy, and his capacity for fun. I just can't stand his destructiveness. I need to live in a house without anything breakable, and with many, many scratching surfaces. And an endless supply of places where he can swat his sparkle balls.

This morning I got my first ever speeding ticket. I feel so awful about it. (I can't seem to convince myself yet that it's not the end of the world.) The cop offered me a chance to apply for "probation before judgment." Some sort of opportunity to not have this on my record if I don't get another ticket in 6 months. It seems so stupid, but I don't want my insurance to go up. It all hardly seems fair. Twenty-five years of driving and I would be considered high risk? I SO fucking HATE driving! If it wasn't a necessity, I would prefer to not have to do it.

Sometimes I want to coast. I want to skim through certain parts of my life. If work sucks, and work stresses me out, why can't the other parts of life leave me alone for a little while? But no, whether or not I feel like I can handle it, life comes at me in full living color.

So tonight, thinking that if I move my desk CK would leave my cabinet alone... just a theory that didn't pan out... I moved all the furniture in my apartment around. I don't know what I will think of this. It isn't the configuration I wanted for my living room. Everything had originally been in the most logical places. This is kind of silly. But it is different, and the exercise made me sweaty, probably reducing some of my stress. I can't move to a new apartment or house, but I can definitely re-arrange this one!

CK still jumped on top of the curio cabinet. So I put my little stuffed Cthulhu doll up there. I figure if he manages to jump onto the doll, it won't hurt anything. In the meantime, it will stare him down and maybe he will think twice about taking the leap. So far so good.

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-05-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

I turned 29... ahem, 41... on 5/1. I went to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory with D&L and Baby 1. (Baby 2 isn't born yet. She's due in September.) I don't know why I ever expect to have fun. L is such an unhappy, negative person. Comparatively, D is almost charming. He at least tries.

The food wasn't all that good. And I didn't want dessert, so I didn't have any of the famous cheesecake. Baby 1 was getting fussy and D wanted a nap. I just wanted to get out of there. It was like one of those unpleasant rituals. Plus, we're having a heatwave. I always feel awful in such muggy heat.

I told them what I thought was a funny story, about how around 7:30 am, CK wanted attention, and he bit me on the elbow. Not hard, but it was a little shocking. D said he would have been bouncing off the wall. I did not find that funny. CK is a bit of a biter, but he's not malicious. NOBODY hurts my babies.

One of the things D said he was doing was checking out prospective nannies. No, he was having nanny fantasies. L tolerates this talk. I was a bit disgusted. I know what fantasies he was having. I think I don't like it because right now, I don't feel very sexually interested. I feel invisible, even though I've noticed that I actually am not. But I should be. I am a dumpy middle-aged woman. I haven't even dyed my hair in so long that I am sporting my all-natural color, plus gray.

I'm not sure what to do about how I feel. Probably losing weight will help. I need new clothes, so if I buy some nice things that make me feel sexy, I might get back to normal. But to be honest, if nothing brings this "condition" to my attention, I don't really miss it. I don't walk around mourning my sexuality. Sex isn't the only point of life, and I don't need it all the time to be happy.

CK's present to me was that he learned how to get on the kitchen counter. I heard a clicking noise, turned, and saw he was in the sink. Everything I had left out for convenience, I had to put away. I had to put the plants outside.

I have been asked, "Can't you train him to stay off?" Well, maybe when I'm here. But when I am not, he will do what he wants. I figure it is better to understand he will do it, and that if I use anything, like the cutting board or the counter, I must clean it first. Why throw conniption fits that ruin my quality of life and torment my cat for no good reason? It would be like telling us we couldn't sit on the furniture. Cat's don't understand what we use the counter for.

At first, Bandit ran around crying. He wanted up, and he's not as confident of a jumper. CK just flings himself, and lets God sort it out when he gets up there. But today, Bandit got up on the counter too. Goody. I would be less upset if CK would just leave things alone. He seems to have this fascination with knocking things off of other things. It's like he has a scientific experiment with gravity going on. Voice of Albert Einstein: "Yep, that falls too! Interesting."

Today I went to lunch with my Dad to The Olive Garden. Lots of cheese, but good food. The lunch was much more enjoyable than yesterday's. I'm just going to take it easy.

New Cat Tree

2010-04-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I ordered a new cat tree. The old one is getting more and more tattered, and as they get bigger, it tends to shift. Eventually, it will come down. It was pretty cheap, and I didn't expect it to last forever anyway.

I do have them trained to take their places on it, so I might try to find another one like it or similar. I tap the tree, and they come running. Bandit climbs to the top, and CK sits on the second one. They get a couple of treats that I only give them for being good. I started doing this when Bandit was a baby, which is why he takes the top. I wouldn't treat him on any other tier. They can't both fit on the top, or I'd make them both go there. This is my way of calling them, so that if I didn't know where they are, I can tap-tap, and they appear.

I also started treating them after a nail trim. They know, too. After I cut CK's nails, Bandit climbs the tree and waits for his treats! Of course, I take him down and do his before they both get treated. Cats can be trained.

It's always been my opinion that you live with cats, they don't just live with you. It is polite to give them things that are theirs. Plus, theoretically, if they have their own stuff, they will leave your stuff alone! This appears to be true for Bandit. CK, however, is too smart and he gets bored. He loves to have his stuff, but he also wants to get at mine!

CK models the new tree. As top cat, he gets the top platform.

This tree came in a gigantic box. It was very heavy. I put this together all by myself. It took a bit of effort. It certainly would have gone quicker with help. But I did it, and it is nice to watch them enjoy the fruits of my labor. It looks a little tilted, but it seems stable. I will watch it and make sure it doesn't fall over. I put it near the window so the boys will finally be able to see over the balcony. It is the best I can do for them right now.

Cat trees are monstrosities, but they are worth it.

Going Strong

2010-04-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a week of eating well and I'm still going strong. I am making food a project. I have always had a problem with food. My mom, despite her many denials, was anorexic or border-line anorexic. She used food as a passive-aggressive way to control the household. She didn't like to cook, and made it very obvious what an unpleasant chore it was. It does not instill any desire in a young person to want to cook.

It's not that I don't like food. It's that I don't want food to control me. Yet the moment my attention wanes, food exerts an influence that is undeniable.

I've been doing some reading, and I agree with what I've read, that our society creates a culture of unhealthy eating. We are pushed towards easy, cheap, quick, and fattening. Fast food and pizza is all over the TV. We are bombarded with the message repeatedly. It is hard not to be swayed by the ease and cheapness. I don't like to go eat fast food anyway, but there is a message hidden in it that I should be able to eat that way. I found my diet moving inevitably to processed foods, cheap breads, sugary cereals.

I've had a week of good food. It was very repetitive, but enjoyable. One of the things I liked about it was that I was not hungry. I didn't get any of those moments of "OMG I'm starving, I can't wait to eat!" I had veggies, I had a salmon cup and tricuits, and I had an apple. The intervals were spaced nicely throughout the day.

My one goal is that I don't want the meals to be completely repetitive. I want alternatives. I believe that this will lead to a greater likelihood of sticking with it. So when I went to BJ's, I browsed every aisle and came away with some unexpected yummies. I found strawberries, grapes, grapefruit in a jar of juice, dried fruit (apricots, blueberries, dates, and mixed fruit & nuts.) I didn't like the apples they had, which was disappointing. I really thought I could save some money there. The only veggies I bought there were tomatoes. I didn't like their meat. They had only a tiny selection of chicken, and LOTS of red meat. I almost bought a package of precooked chicken, but it was spiced and I suspected it was not very healthy compared to what I could do on my own. I bought the rest of my supplies at the regular grocery store.

I read a bunch of articles about eggs, and decided to add some eggs to my diet. They can apparently be a healthy part of a low calorie diet. The prevailing wisdom is that cholesterol in food does not necessarily lead to cholesterol in blood; it is saturated fat that does that. I'm not going to overdo it with eggs, but I think I can definitely use them as a good source of protein, and I don't have to delete my yolks. I read an amazing recipe of sauteing veggies then adding eggs to make a warm, veggie-laden, pile of scrambled eggs. I can't wait to try it!

I got my Bento box, and it is rather small. It would be good for a child's lunch box. I don't intend to eat compact food. I like raw veggies and raw fruit, and that takes up a lot of space! The other box I bought is big enough, but it isn't insulated and I don't have a way to keep it cold. I wouldn't trust food in the work fridge. People are so rude that unguarded food is sometimes pilfered. You wouldn't think that adults could be juvenile, but some people never grow up. I've thought about ordering some of those small plastic ice cubes that can be reused. But it's also heavy without anything in it; I can't imagine how heavy it will be after packing!

I ordered a different bag that I should be able to pack with different sizes of plastic boxes. I want to use reusable containers and avoid using plastic bags. Healthy AND green! I will get this figured out.

I didn't write about my experiences with Fiber One bars. I had to discontinue eating them because they gave me severe gas pains. I thought it was because of the amount of fiber in it, and that my body had to get used to it. Because they were on sale, and I had bought TWO boxes at BJ's, I will say I gave it at least two weeks. I just couldn't do it. While browsing the web, I found this wonderful website:

http://www.pleasegodno.com/archives/66-Fiber-One-Bars-make-me-Fart.html

Funny, but believe me, oh so true! They will "move" you, but the gas pains are not worth the price.

Back on Track

2010-04-10T13:39:00.001-07:00

I haven't been feeling very good lately, and I think it has to do with the way I have been eating. When I turned 40, I went through a deep depression. I certainly did not take care of myself. I just didn't care. But I care that I get short of breath. I care that my clothes are too tight. I care that my knees and ankles ache. And I certainly care that my acid reflux symptoms seem like they are returning.

I am about to turn 41. It is time for me to get my act together.

Last time I lost weight, I started with changing how I ate. Simply by adding veggies to my diet, I dropped pounds and felt better. So, despite the fact that it is going to take extra effort, I am going to do that again.

I bought chicken breast. Oh God, now I have to figure out how to cook it. I bought broccoli, bananas, green bell peppers, Gala apples, a couple of small yams, a bag of baby carrots, and a head of lettuce. I bought eggs, figuring I could boil them, maybe scramble some. And whole wheat pasta. I bought salmon cups, and I meant to buy whole wheat crackers but I forgot.

I ordered a Bento lunch box from Amazon.com, which will allow me to put foods in compartments. It looks really cute. We'll see. I'm excited about it.

I had started exercising the beginning of March. The last couple of weeks, I was getting severe sinus headaches and migraines, so I really didn't feel like it. I also had a very hot evening without working AC, so that nixed that, even though I was feeling better. But I will be back on track this week.

My Life is Boring

2010-03-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

My life has been so incredibly boring that I didn't think anyone would care, so I've been quite remiss in not posting. I have been so immersed in the beautiful world of Pony Island that I retreat into whenever I have a spare moment. I think it is the perfect game for me. I do hope, though, that it eventually loosens it's hold a bit. Knowing how I am, I believe that I will lose interest in it eventually.

I would have to say that there are a few good things that have come of my PI obsession. Yesterday, I canceled my membership to World of Warcraft. It was up for auto-renew and I didn't want to pay for it if I wasn't playing it. If I want to play again, I just need to pay and continue where I left off. But I think leaving WoW was a good thing because of the all the crap that went on with D. I'm done with that. I also have left Facebook, putting me one step further away from their bs. I'm done with that too.

I don't remember if I posted about my Christmas afternoon with them. I started to add up all the ways that I seem to be in the way when I visit, like I am not a guest. I think I deserve to be treated as a guest. Stop fucking watching TV when I come over and act like you're glad to see me! Anyway, I have not gone to visit them since that day. I went out to dinner with them one Friday night, but I have not spent time with them. Neither have they asked me to babysit. I am distancing myself from the negativity. All the things that separate me from them must be good things.

CK has grown so big. He still acts like a tiny kitten. His energy and his intelligence make him bored often, and he destroys my things. I do whatever I can to keep him distracted and put away anything he looks like he might break. I can say though that in the fight between him and the blinds, the blinds lost!

I took a hiatus from taking care of myself, I think, and I've begun again. The beginning of March I started exercising and I have noticed that my mood is much much better. I found myself laughing for absolutely no reason the other day and saying "whee!" Literally. At work.

I have included pictures of my huge crazy kitty. For those of you who don't like feet, pardon the foot. It was so that you could get an idea of his size.

Addicted to Pony Island

2010-01-30T21:50:00.001-08:00

I started playing a website called Pony Island, and I am finding it incredibly addictive. It is a fantasy pony breeding game that sort of looks like My Little Pony. Breeding is based on a hex system, so that you get predictable and unpredictable results based on a consistent set of rules. The art work is gorgeous. My work WoW buddy said that he thought they were strange-looking. I would say the target audience are girls.

One of the Facebook apps allows the user to breed cats. I had some success with that. But the more you had in the program, the more sluggish it ran. I was starting to get frustrated. I like the thought of creating my own lines and seeing how their program translated it, but I really wanted something a little more.

I used to have Catz. I probably bought every iteration of it. What I was looking for was something similar, except that I don’t feel the need to play with the animals. I am aware that what you get is not based on real genetics, but on how the programmers programmed it.

Catz is out of date, and as far as I could find, it does not run on Windows Vista. I looked at Creatures, and I believe that doesn’t run on Vista either. In the past, I didn’t have much luck with that game anyway. You had to teach the creatures to feed themselves, and mine kept starving to death. Stupid digital animals!

I did searches for animal breeding games, and I found a site called Creature Breeder. It is free, but the graphics are simple and not very attractive. I signed up, but I probably won’t play it much.

I read about Pony Island, and at first, I was not interested. I wasn’t sure I wanted to breed ponies. However, when I got there, I quickly fell in love with the pictures. One of the pony breeds is called a PurrPony and looks like a cat. They don’t move or play, but they can be any color, literally, and you can breed them.

Of course, I went a little nuts. I have narrowed it down to 3 types of ponies to specialize in; Purr, Phoenix and Kirin. There is a controversy between “purebred,” and “non-purebred.” You can interbreed every kind of pony. The type you end up with is a 50-50 chance between the mother and the father. You can look back in a pony’s pedigree and see if it was “pure” or “mixed breed.” Now, ultimately, it doesn’t really matter because they are not real animals. They are a pictorial representation of an idea of what a fantasy pony would look like. It is all according to taste and preference. I did find, however, it was exciting to look into a pedigree and see a pure line. I found I was willing to pay more for one of those over a mix. Still, I have a limited amount of game money and must control myself.

The babies become adults in 20 days, and they can have offspring 5 days after they breed. Most of what I bought were babies, but I have bred a couple of adult females and I am expecting foals Feb 3 and 4. I am very excited. I can’t wait to begin my breeding program full scale. Still, there is endless cataloging and planning to do.

Sick is the New Healthy

2010-01-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

When I am stressed, I get sick. When I was younger, stress made me more susceptible to colds. As I get older, my body is finding new and ever more fun ways to break down. There was a couple of years I had repeated bouts of tonsillitis.

I have a sebaceous cyst on my back where my bra strap falls. It makes sense I’d get one there, as they are sometimes caused by ingrown hairs. I’ve had it for years. Maybe ten or more. I “watched” it (more like felt it, as it is on my back and all) and made sure it didn’t hurt, or change, or grow. It wasn’t bothering me, so I didn’t see a reason to have it looked at. It was, as they say, on my To Do List.

Anyway, around Wednesday I guess, my back started to hurt. It felt like a pimple feels when it’s under your skin and you know it won’t ever pop. I was worried about CK, though. I didn’t really pay attention. On Thursday, when CK was at the vet, I sat with my back against a heating pad a couple of times. I had heard or read that heat was good for such things and it did make it feel a little better. On Friday, when the pain hadn’t resolved, I investigated it. I felt it with my hand and tried to look at it in the mirror. It looked red and there was swelling around it that hadn’t been there before.

I gave it the weekend, and this morning I called the Dr. I saw the Nurse Practitioner, or whatever; she looks 12... She said that it was infected and she gave me antibiotics. She also said to put the heating pad on it. It will draw blood to the area, and since the antibiotics are in the blood, it brings more medicine there.

I can’t say for sure that my latest ailment is stress related, but the timing makes sense. I was worried about CK for so long. (And he went through it all with flying colors!) And my Christmas really sucked. I was in tears several times. I had fantasies of disappearing so no one could ever find me. It was all a lot of stress to pile on my little shoulders.

There are studies that stress affects the immune system. Perhaps a little group of bacteria in my back decided to have a party because nothing was keeping them in check. As much as we hate to believe this, we are surrounded by and invaded by bacteria every day. It’s on us, it’s in us, we eat it, we breathe it every day, but our immune system or good bacteria keeps it in check… until it doesn’t.

I’ve got ten days of antibiotics. Then I was instructed I should go see a general surgeon to see if he thinks it should be removed. You mean, “when.” Because he is going to recommend that, of course. Unless the sucker heals and absorbs into my skin until it’s imperceptible, he’s not going to say we should leave it alone; it already got infected once. Besides, he’s a surgeon. I could be wrong, but I don’t think a surgeon is in the habit of saying, “you don’t need surgery.”

My health is important, but now that my deductible is $500 and I’d paying for the entirety of this procedure, we’ll see. I’ll make some educated guesses on my own and see if I think I need it. (And we all know how well that works out… an emergency gall-bladder-ectomy later!) If I can still feel it, I promise to at least get it evaluated. But in the meantime, I will be asking my body to absorb it, and see how mind affects body.

World of Warcraft Random Instances Day

2010-01-11T07:06:00.001-08:00

In the last Scarlet Monastery - Cathedral run, I knew we were in for an interesting run when I was doing the most damage. Not that I mind being kick-ass. It certainly beats my last Uldaman run where I, once again, did the least damage. We had a cautious tank, who only wanted to pull a couple at a time. I don’t mind that either. It would mean a longer run, but I am not impatient.

I have to admit I understand why Hunters are sometimes called Huntards. My main is a Hunter, so I never liked that designation. To play one well and successfully, you really need to keep control of your pet. He better not ever go after anything you didn’t intend.

I had run with this hunter before; I recognized the name. Another Dwarf Hunter with a bear. He pulled too many, and got us killed. The second time, we were not done clearing out the minor boss when the bear went after one of the main bosses. One by one, we fell. It was chaos. One person dropped out, and I decided I didn’t want to keep dying, so I dropped too… I felt a little guilty, since I was doing more damage than the tank! If we had not wiped the second time, I would simply have voted the Huntard out. Oh, well.

D defended the previous Huntard, the one with the spider. He said that he has to learn somehow. While I agree with that, I don’t want to educate him. If the group was stronger, he wouldn’t have caused such chaos, and maybe he would have learned. Instead, I’d bet everyone left him. If I see his name again, I will watch him carefully. Stupidity that doesn’t cause wipes is forgivable, the opposite is not.

On the good side, my Rogue leveled to 41. I am now able to queue for Maraudon and Zul’Farrak. I am curious how they will play with a random group.

I got TWO random Maraudon - Orange Crystals. They have incorrectly categorized the level for that. Every mob is Red to me. I’ve read complaints on the forum about it. At level 41, I don’t think I should be fighting a level 46 boss. The problem is, I didn’t see Blizzard address it on the forums. I have a bad feeling that they aren’t going to fix it.

We ran the first one only to Razorlash. Having soloed Maraudon on my Hunter, I know how mind-numbingly big the instance really is. I bailed on my second group because I died, and because I really didn’t want to try to do that dungeon again. I was doing better damage because we were all lower-leveled. Still, there is a line between “challenging” and “not fun.” At level 41, it is not fun.

I needed one more item to complete the Uldaman quest chain, so I queued specifically for that dungeon. The chain has you going back at least 3 times, but I knew that once I killed the end boss, that would be the end of the chain. This was the first time I specifically chose a dungeon, and it did take a bit of time to get in. While I waited, I completed a small quest.

I didn’t think we were doing badly, but we did pull too many and we died. I didn’t notice that the others were dead until they all aggro’d me. Our first tank dropped us. We queued, got another, and he dropped when he saw which instance he got. They wanted me to tank, and I tried, but I am bad at it. We finally got a real tank, and somewhere in the middle, he died. He was the only one who died, and the healer was about to resurrect him, and he dropped. I said, “We are cursed, lol.” We got another tank, and we finished the instance. It was an interesting series of events. I wasn’t going to leave, though, because I needed that final quest item. I think only 3 of the original 5 remained to the end.

What Is

2010-01-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

Thursday, I took CK in to the vet’s office at 7:30 am. I was tense all day. I didn’t go anywhere. I could hardly do anything. I watched TV and crocheted a lot. Every time I tried to play WoW, I couldn’t concentrate. Bandit spent a lot of time with me, as if he was comforting me. I wondered if he was wondering where his adopted brother was, or enjoying his one-on-one time with me.

I had no idea when they were going to work on him. I assumed early, but I assumed wrong. The Dr called me around 4:30. He said that the x-rays showed that CK would probably not develop full-blown Stomatitis. There were some teeth that needed to come out because they were showing bone changes, but the others looked fine. I had only wanted to remove them all to prevent future disease. So I had him remove only the ones he felt needed it. He cleaned the rest.

I was able to bring him home at 8:30 pm. It cost me about $1500, which is better than I thought it was going to be. I’ll take him back in about 3 weeks for evaluation, then he said maybe in another 6 months to see how things progressed. I am going to try to brush his teeth.

When I arrived to pick him up, the vet tech asked if I was CK’s mommy. I hesitated before I said yes. It is instinct not to say he’s ‘mommy’s baby’ in public. I don’t want people thinking I am a crazy cat lady. At home, he’s got many cute nick-names and gets hugs and kisses.

He was apparently very docile for them. From the other visits, I expected that. When he got home, he was probably still a little under the influence of the anesthesia. His eyes were very dilated. He ran around smelling everything. They said I could feed him, so I put some food out for him. Poor thing didn’t eat all day. He was really hungry. He ate about three quarters of a can; I gave it to him in increments, to try to be nice to his tummy. He didn’t have any problems.

He was so badly behaved! It was as if he was making up for all the mischief he missed doing during the day. He tried to get into the trash can. He got into one of my kitchen cabinets. One of my pens ended up in his water bowl. He must have had a hell of a night! He was happy to see me as well. He kept coming to me for comfort.

I’ve got pain meds for him for three days. I am confused because the Dr said not to give it if he doesn’t need it, and the vet tech gave me instructions to give it for three days. Cats are so stoic that it will be hard to tell. Perhaps it’s just better to give it to him. It’s not like I can ask him.

Today, he seemed extra clingy, but things are getting back to normal. I had a moment where I sat between Bandit and CK on the couch. I got to watch them both go through REM sleep. It was so nice to be between my beautiful boys. It was one of those perfect moments that you wish you could remember forever, but you know it will eventually fade. The most you can hope for is more perfect moments just like it.

I found out that L is pregnant again. Yippee. I can’t help but feel a little jealous, but this is the year my life diverges from their’s. It’s high time. I am not sure where my path will take me, but I need to lose my fatalism and make this life mean something.

Yesterday, I wanted to play WoW, but I couldn’t. Today, I could. I have been playing random instances via the Dungeon Finder tool. I have been progressing very quickly this way, and having lots of fun. It is not good for farming, so I am not bringing in anything in these runs. Some cloth, a few greens, some skins when time allows. I got to see a couple of instance I never saw before; Uldaman and Razorfen Downs.

I found that I did very well in the Scarlet Monastery runs, but in the other two, I wasn’t as stellar. Sometimes I get in a group that does so much damage that by the time I get there, they’ve mostly cleared it. I like it when I feel like I contribute. One of the things I can do is interrupt; I’ve gotten pretty good at Kick.

I was doing the least amount of damage in the Uldaman run according to Recount. I have my own version, so I could see it very well. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t do much about it. One of the group kept posting the Recount stats. It made me wonder what he was trying to prove. There have been stories on the net of people getting voted out of the group for doing low damage-per-second. I was afraid I might get voted out. No one commented on the Recount stats, but later, the poster left the group. I’m not quite sure why. We were never close to wiping. Maybe he was just impatient because the instance was so big.

At first, I felt weird about leveling this way. But with my Hunter, I had done few instance, and done few pick-up-groups. I took her through as many quests as possible, even the low-level ones. I farmed, I did dailies, I did reputation grinds, I collected pets and mounts. It is not such a bad thing, then, to do this differently with my rogue.

I may be jinxing myself to say this, but I’ve mostly had good groups. Several of the groups worked so well that we did additional instances together. I am enjoying playing groups with healers.

One group, in Gnomeregan, voted out the tank. He wasn’t great, but I wouldn’t have voted him out. We hadn’t wiped, but he did keep doing unintentional pulls. In fact, when the screen popped up to boot him, I thought “oh, that’s mean,” and I didn’t click it. Apparently, enough people did click it.

In another run, in the Scarlet Monastery, a dwarf hunter kept messing up, and he got booted. Here’s the scene: He put down a couple of traps, shot at 4 Scarlet guards who ran across the traps. Then he ran back and forth while they pounded him and we tried to save him. He had pulled the aggro all on himself and he couldn’t handle it. It was quite comical, actually. Such a noob move. It was the last straw and someone put up the vote.

When someone leaves the group in the middle of a run, Dungeon Finder finds a replacement. I only got brought in the middle of one so far. When I ran in, one of their group was disconnected. He was holding a spot that I knew we would need to fill to kill the bosses. He could have lost internet connectivity, or like me once, maybe the cat stepped on the power strip button and turned off the computer. I clicked to vote him out, he was booted, and we got a replacement. I think that will probably be the only reason I would initiate a boot. If he dc’d in error, he’ll just have to sign back on and enter the queue again.

I think it must feel pretty crappy to be voted out. I hope that I am never on the receiving end. If I am, I’ll have to understand that they are strangers and it is just a game. I have to admit, though, that I probably lost my taste for PvP when I was called “the shittiest player” on the field. Yes, but an idiot flea who didn’t know how to play as a team. Still, it played on my insecurities.

There are difference between the dungeons and the battlegrounds that make the dungeons more fun. 1) The configuration of the team is consistent; healer, tank, 3 dps. In a battleground, you don’t know what you are going to get, and healers are rare. 2) There is greater cooperation because the goal is shared. In a battleground, the sense of teamwork is very poor; too many people are out for themselves, to get honorable kills, than to win the match. 3) I haven’t seen any devolution into immature name-calling, which I’ve seen far too often in battlegrounds. (I’m sure that may happen eventually.)

The only other news is that Bandit will be turning one year January 19. He just had the quietest, cutest cat spazz in the world. He has grown up into my sweet, gentle boy. I think his personality is what most people would want in a cat.

Happy 2010

2010-01-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

The holidays are over and I am relieved that we are into 2010. This year I was unable to filter out the guilt and bad feelings and simply pretend that I didn’t know these people. Sometimes I wish I could disappear, go somewhere they could never find me.

I don’t feel like cataloging what happened. I want to put it all behind me. The thought that epitomizes my feelings is this: If all you ever do is remind me of the ways that I’ve failed you, how can I ever win?

Suicidal thoughts will never be something I am completely free of. It’s like an old song I keep playing time and time again. The feeling goes away and I find a new song to sing. My obligation to my cats is one way I can always talk myself down.

I think one of the necessities of life is to have a purpose. The fact that my boys need me gives me that purpose. I cannot leave them because no one would love them and spoil them like I do. Spending time with them is one of my greatest joys. They are my furry family. What I get in return for all that I do for them is well worth it.

My dad came over Thursday night. Bandit came out to see him. He sniffed him over before he eventually let my dad pet him, and he rubbed against his leg. He didn’t stay long, but he was certainly friendly enough. He even came back later for seconds. My dad said that he had a really pretty face. And he does, his wide copper eyes surrounded by their white eye-liner. His gray face, shading into a cute tan nose above white lips. He is a pretty boy with the face of an angel.

When I got Bandit, I misinterpreted his broad features and stocky body. I thought he was going to be big. Apparently, my powers of prognostication are poor. He’s bigger than my girl cats were, but he’s not going to be monster-sized. CK is going to be bigger.

Because my dad is quiet and he didn’t move off of the couch, CK came out to see him. He ranged around behind me, even came to lay beside me on the end table and stare, but he did not let my dad touch him. He is entirely my baby. I don’t have a lot of guests, so he hasn’t had many chances to socialize. It’s okay, he doesn’t really need anyone but me. I am sure that he would learn to trust someone if he was around them often, but he will always be mine.

Last Sunday, I saw Avatar. It is a beautiful movie. It’s not without it’s flaws, but looked at with childish wonder, it is truly amazing. I would give everything to be able to be a part of that world for real. I’ll settle for going to see the movie again. The aliens really do have Bandit’s eyes; when it was over, I felt I had to go home and give Bandit a big kiss.

D must have negotiated some World of Warcraft time with the wife. He decided to move to the Horde side because a couple of his other friends did and they are raiding. He asked me to join the Horde side to sign his guild charter, then he didn’t need me. I created a Troll Death Knight, because I’ve never played a DK. I got through the storyline pretty quickly, then I had a Troll I didn’t know what to do with. I worked hard on my Alliance characters, my guild, and everything. It was nice to talk to them again, but ultimately, I don’t think I’m going to play her. I am going to use the Dungeon Finder tool to take my Alliance Hunter through some instance. I want to do The Nexus, the Oculus, Gundrak, and Azjol’Nerub.

I don’t know what happened today. I kind of coasted through the day. I did my Facebook apps. I played bouncy-ball with the boys. I downloaded eBooks, which I got on sale for between 45% to 66% off yesterday. I wrote a couple of emails. I did wash. I was going to cook, but one of my ingredients had gone bad and spoiled the casserole. It all went by so quickly that I didn’t even sign onto WoW.

Writing this, I am watching BBC America’s Dr. Who marathon. Sometimes I cannot help but think how much my fanatical ex-fiancé must love this show. I miss the chance to talk to him, because I don’t know anyone who watched the old shows, let alone watches this one faithfully. I was thrilled when they brought back The Master. These last few episodes have been awesome, creepy and fun. This is a show I enjoy, when I can manage to sit still.

It is almost hard to believe that it is 2010, when it seems like it wasn’t that long ago that we were worried about Y2K. I want to speak about hope and love for the future, but it feels trite and cliché. And I am not sure I believe in hope so much anymore. I’m jaded, I know. I can say that I hope the coming year is better than last year, for me and for everyone.

Dark Before Dawn

2009-12-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

After the shock of CK’s condition and the cost of the procedure wore off, I began to feel very scared and vulnerable. There is the voice in the back of my mind that points out the risk we are taking. There is no way to predict how quickly or how well he will come through the procedure. I have a tendency to fear the worst. It is a constant struggle with myself to embrace optimism. There is a sense of guilt that I will have to inflict such pain and stress on him. There is also the promise that when he heals, he will be able to live and eat without pain for the first time since he went through his teething. This will also prevent a disease that has the potential to be deadly.

Christmas is tomorrow. I am driving to my Dad’s for some face time, then to my Aunt’s for dinner. I don’t think my Dad likes that much. However, last year, I did not see my cousins and ended up leaving their gifts with my grandmother so they would get them. I felt guilty about that. I know that he would prefer that I stay and have dinner with them. However, I did Thanksgiving with them. I managed not to start a fight with my brother, but I wasn’t very comfortable. Even though I said what I wanted and talked about what was important to me (my boys) I don’t feel that I truly fit in. It wasn’t about me, it was about the child, my niece, and quite frankly I was annoyed. Then my grandmother wanted to leave early, and as I was her ride, we left. If I spend a couple of hours with them tomorrow and leave, it’s practically the same thing.

The other thing I look forward to is telling my Aunt about CK, and showing off my little videos that I made of him. I got a really good new fetching video that should generate amazement and amusement.

I have not gotten very much emotional support regarding the decision I’ve made. When I tell people, they are shocked about the money, and usually incredulous that I would even consider it. As if a cat is not worth $3000 to save his life. But my Aunt has a young German Sheppard that had cancer. She spent a lot of money, time, and energy helping that dog; the radiation treatments, the special diet, and the untold stress and worry. If no one else can understand what I am going through, I know she will.

I asked D when we would be able to get together to exchange gifts. He had plans for every day. And on Sunday, when he didn’t have plans, he wanted to play WoW, implying that I am less important than a video game. I was heartbroken. I wanted to tell him to go spend time with his real friends, and that I would see him whenever. Today he set it for Saturday afternoon/evening. I will make sure I don’t stay long.

It’s time to break the cycle, and 2010 seems the perfect time to do that. I think the friendship between L and I has already died it’s death. I am not going to be condescended to or treated poorly by her again. The trust is gone, and being in her presence is nothing but unpleasant. C’est la vie.

During a recent conversation, D implied that when his bargained monogamy was up in January, he was going to go buck wild. I am intending to take steps to make sure that his fast is not broken with me. Step one is to shut off my cell phone. Step two is to not answer my home phone when he calls. If I cut off those avenues of conversation, he will not be able to summon me or influence me. He will need to find someone else to torment. I won’t be his tissue, to use and throw away.

I feel like I am on the edge of my future. It is darkest before the dawn. I will move forward and I will leave him behind. There is something out there for me, and I will find it.

Observations

2009-12-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

There are a couple of things that I’ve observed during all of this. CK is lucky to have me, because I will do what needs to be done, despite the money. There are people who wouldn’t, even my own father. Not that I couldn’t do a series of incremental procedures that might cost me bit by bit instead of all at once. There is more than one alternative. I chose to get this done ASAP to mitigate his pain and stress, and to be honest, to get it over with for me too.

When I came home that day, I felt defeated. I was not supported. I was not understood. My decision was not respected. I didn’t second-guess myself, but I wondered why so many people looked at the money as if it were more important than the animal.

No, spending this money isn’t going to help my situation. It means that the debt I’ve been paying off will last longer than expected. However, it isn’t going to kill me. I am not going to starve because I can’t afford groceries. I am not going to be evicted because I can‘t pay rent. I just won’t be able to take that cruise I was planning on. I won’t be able to buy leisure items for awhile.

When I saw CK’s health and beauty otherwise, when I watched him sprint around the apartment, scramble up the cat tree, lounge on the mantle, I knew I was right.

I knew when I bought them, both CK and Bandit, that I was taking on a big responsibility. The Internet says that the average life span of a cat is 12 to 15 years, but could be as long as 21 years. All of the cats we have owned lived between 15 to 19 years. My expectations were that they would be with me a long time. I couldn’t anticipate what could go wrong, how big the vet bills could get, but I knew I’d do what I had to do. Whatever that turned out to be.

Everyone who has an animal loves them, but that doesn’t mean they would do anything for the animal. Do they know that about themselves? If they cannot make that commitment, should they have an animal at all? Is it okay that they half-ass it and destroy the animal when he/she becomes inconvenient? What if they love and care for them the best they can, and it comes to that anyway? Is it okay that they had a good life, even if it wasn’t as comfortable or long as it could have been?

CK had sisters. There were at least 2 other kittens with him, tiny black and white females. Not knowing what caused this disease, they could be facing it as well, either now or in the future. My prayers are with them, that their people are as vigilant of their care, that their vets are as perceptive, that they are loved and their people are committed to them.

There is enough suffering in the world. Animals are innocent, voiceless. They rely totally on their humans to make sure they are safe, healthy, and happy. It is a tremendous responsibility and challenge.

To me, animals are not throw-away beings. I’ve seen people treat their animals that way. I’ve read about it. My heart goes out to all of them. I wish I had the resources to save them all, but I don’t. I have to be content that the two that I have will get my best. They will be spoiled and loved. The best thing I can do for them is to never take on more than I can afford, which is why, when I desperately wanted the two black and white Siamese mix kittens, I forced myself to resist. I knew I couldn’t afford more than the two I had without short-changing them all.

Tonight, D told me that L said they would have to put their German Shepherd down soon. Because she couldn’t get back up the stairs when she let her out to pee. She has hip dysplasia. They have a plastic ramp for her, but it is steep, so it isn’t much better on her hips than the stairs. I told him I thought she needed a shallower ramp, and he made excuses about why not. I think they need to make their deck wheelchair accessible. You never know when you may need such a thing, anyway.

The anger flared in my head. I know it’s not my business, but why would you adopt a dog with the potential to have this problem when you knew you would never be willing to pay for her surgery? I read that German Shepherds live an average of 10 to 12 years, but could live as long as 15 years with good health and proper care. If I recall, their dog is about 6 years old. So, she would have had a longer, better life if someone else had adopted her? Someone who could afford hip surgery, or should I say, someone willing to shoulder the expense. It isn’t that they can’t, it’s that they won’t.

So often this past few days I’ve heard “won’t.” Not can’t. And won’t pisses me off because there are places to get help if you can’t afford vet care. I found a few non-profit organizations on the Internet. Some shelters will help you. I also found Care Credit; you can get an interest-free loan if you can pay it off in a certain amount of time. That is what I am going to do. There is nothing you can do for someone if they won’t. If feels wrong to me.

Is dead really better than to shell out a bit of money? Anyone who second-guesses that should perhaps think very hard about being a pet owner at all.

Snow Day

2009-12-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

This is CK and Bandit's first snow. I only have a bit of balcony to share with them, but that was apparently quite the revelation in itself. The first step on this this cold wet white blanket was quite amusing. They stepped, and hesitated. But they soon got the hang of it.

The Appointment

2009-12-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

CK had his appointment today with the vet dental specialist. I liked him. He was very nice, personable, and enthusiastic. He really seemed to enjoy his job. He found CK’s mouth fascinating, and it comforted me to see not only clinical knowledge, but almost real “joy.”

I told him that when I got CK he was 6 weeks old and very small and skinny. I asked if this disease could be triggered by poor early nutrition. He said that they don’t really know for sure. Could be the nutrition, could be not enough antibodies from his mother, or could be genetics.

He said that he was surprised that CK was so big. When he heard 8 months (he’s really 9 months, but that’s close enough) he thought it would be a little one. I never had a boy cat; although I know he’s bigger now than an of my adult females were, it didn’t really seem unusual to me. That he is outpacing Bandit, though, did surprise me, since I had looked at Bandit blunt head and bulldog body and thought he would be the bigger one. He also said that I was a good pet-owner, that I had obviously taken good care of him. It made me feel good. It’s not that I don’t know that I do whatever I can for them, but sometimes I do second-guess my own decisions. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing enough?

He also made another observation that made me question his objectivity. He asked if CK could fetch. I was surprised that he would think that, but said yes. He figured out that if he brought it back, I would throw it again. When he first made that leap, I was so proud of him. He said that 80% of orange cats he’s treated fetch. I’ve heard a number of generalizations about orange cats, but I wouldn’t expect a vet or a vet tech to say such things. Each cat is an individual, and such traits should not be color-linked. It is an interesting line of contemplation, but I could never get any good scientific leads on it. I may put a poll on Flickr and hear what cat owners have to say about their orange cats.

He said he is seeing these cats earlier and earlier. It is a good thing, because he believes it means that vets are starting to understand the signs and recommend treatment before it comes to an extreme stage. I told him everything he was tested for, and the recommendations my main vet made. He said he did not recognize the name, but that my vet seemed on the ball. He had ruled out everything that needed to be done to eliminate the possibility that this was FS.

He looked in CK’s mouth, and that’s where his enthusiasm really showed. He pointed out and explained what was going on. CK has extra teeth, which are causing crowding and pushing his teeth out of alignment. He also had gum inflammation and some gum recession. He didn’t think the inflammation on his upper back teeth were ulcers, as my other vet thought. The fact that he is not into an ulcerative state is very good.

He said there were a couple of things we could do, but some of the teeth, at least, would have to be extracted. He agreed that CK was one of those cases that would probably become one of those extreme cases if left alone, and that extraction would be necessary. We could do it in stages, have him take out the worst teeth and clean the rest, but it is very likely that would be a waiting game of when the others would need to come out. Doing it that way would ultimately cost more than full extraction. To me, it would also cause more pain and suffering as well.

He mentioned a figure between $2,400 and $3,000. I felt light-headed with shock. I am not sure I even understand it now, hours later. I opted for full extraction, which entails keeping the fangs and front teeth, and taking out the teeth behind them. I think he’s young, he’s strong, he’s otherwise healthy. He should come through this well and heal well, God willing. We would have to remove some teeth anyway, and with the prospect of going back, and going back, and going back… I think multiple surgeries would be worse for him than to do it this way. The chance of him going into some sort of spontaneous remission seems like a childish fantasy.

I scheduled the procedure for January 7. The office is going to mail me an estimate. I have to choose which credit card to put this on.

When I got home, I called my grandmother. I wanted to vent a little, although I did not expect any emotional support from her. Obviously, the amount of money was a concern.

“Do you have the money?” she asked.

“No,” I said, “but I have credit cards.”

“Still…” she said.

But what is my choice? It has to be done. I have to do what is right for him because I love him.

One of her comments was, “I bet you wish you’d gotten a cat from the SPCA.”

I couldn’t quite wrap my head around that. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I said, “why?”

“Because you wouldn’t be having this problem,” she said.

That wouldn’t be any guarantee. It’s not because I bought him from a pet store that caused him to get the disease. His owners could have made the decision to drop the kittens as the SPCA instead of the pet store. Since even experts don’t know what causes or triggers this, any cat at any time at any age is subject to the possibility of this disease. The only thing I didn’t get by getting him at the pet store was the free vaccinations and neutering that they would have done. Other than that, he is the same mix breed moggie that you can find in any shelter. The thought that a mix breed cat is much healthier than a pure bred is a prevalent one, and not necessarily true. Or the conviction that cats from pet stores are feeble and sickly. It is most likely CK’s genetics and his birth environment that led to the FS, not the week he spent in the pet store before I bought him.

I didn’t expect any support from D, and I knew what he would say. He’s said similar before. Faced with this big a price tag, he would put the animal down.

My answer to that was “No fucking way. That is not going to happen.”

He has a German Sheppard who has hip dysplasia. He said when she gets to the point that she needs a hip operation, he will have her put down rather than pay that much to prolong her life so little. Which is my point, I guess. CK is 9 months old, and has the potential to live 15 to 20 more years. His dog would be nearing the end of her life anyway. When my girl was 16 and would have needed test after test, messing with her medication, ad infinitum, I made the decision to let her go. The money, the pain, and the trauma it would put her through was not worth it, when she had been through so much her whole life. It was time to go quietly into that good night. But we gave it our all up to that point, and I do not regret the choice.

What happens if his daughter one day needs $3,000 of dental work? You can’t put your child down. While you cannot compare a human child to an animal, I don’t have children. I have cats. They are my priority.

A Few Thoughts

2009-12-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile, I get a desire to read the postcards on Post Secret. It always shows me that I am not the only one with secrets. Every person has an inner world, inner regrets, experiences we hide from those who love us. We are not as dissimilar as we might think.

The postcard said:
“I see couples everywhere. I always think there must be some great, universal, all-encompassing secret to coupledom. And everyone is in on it. Except me.”

Someone sent an email reply to the postcard:
“To the person who thinks couple-dom is a big secret. It isn't. Too scared to be alone, I was in a couple in some way for 16 years and I always felt like I was faking. I was jealous of my single friends who had the strength not to settle like I did.”

It resonated with me because I’ve been wondering why I’m alone. Why am I the one who broke off each of my relationships? Why are so many people together and I am alone? What did I do wrong, and what is wrong with me?

I have heard some of the jealousy the second person talks about in the voices of married people. It makes me realize that no matter how lonely I get, I really am brave. I didn’t settle. If I never have that fairy-tale love affair that books and movies promise us, at least I didn’t end up married to someone I would eventually hate.

---

I didn’t look at any of my dating profiles today. I got so disgusted yesterday. I got turned down on two of my winks, and all my fears and feelings of worthlessness welled up. You know: I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, young enough. Why am I wasting my time looking when all it will do it get me hurt? So I talked myself down. Nothing is fundamentally changed by anything I do online. I haven’t lost anything. I cannot allow any set-backs to damage my confidence and self-esteem. It doesn’t bode well that I am irritated so early in this adventure, so I put some distance between me and it. I need perspective; best not to touch it until I can gain some of that.

---

I worked on Christmas presents this week. Most of what I did was online shopping. In the past, I’ve bought something small for the women in the family. Last year it was pretty lotions I bought at Kmart. This year I decided to make scarves. The exact way I came to this decision eludes me, but it was one of those “one thing leads to another” moments. I have some nice yarn that feels very good against the skin, called Micro Spun by Lion Brand Yarn.

I was going to use just the skeins I had. I had three colors, teal, red and yellow, and a small amount of black and white.

Yesterday, I went to a store called Five Below to pick up some stocking stuffers. (It’s like a dollar store, except everything is $5 and below.) I thought I might pick up a stuffed animal for my niece. I ended up buying a bunch of stuff for me. I found some neat painted metal mesh bins that fit perfectly in my cube cabinet. I bought two blue ones and one lime green. I found a small plastic “trash can” to put Bandits foam bouncy balls in. I bought some make-up; wishful thinking for possible dates I might go on in the future. I bought some ear buds, a cute case for my Nintendo DS, and small speakers for an MP3 player which I thought I could use for my mini netbook.

I went to the fabric store next door. I only wanted to “look” at the yarn, to see what they had. I bought a few skeins, some in with sparkles and some TLC Baby. It was just enough to play with. They had Micro Spun, but I resisted.

I bought gift bags, but I realized that I didn’t have tissue paper. I went back today under the rationale that I had to get tissue and bought three more of those metal bins, I also bought a similar one in light blue that was a “locker shelf.” It has magnets on it, and I stuck it to the side of the refrigerator to give me a little more storage space.

And I bought Micro Spun in Royal Blue & Lilac. I might as well enjoy a variety of colors while I’m making these scarves.

---
I have become increasingly irritated with L. On TG, I sent a text, “Happy Thanksgiving and all my love.” She didn’t respond. I shook it off as them being too busy. When I visited, she didn’t seem to happy to see me. D said that her grandma was getting on her nerves. I don’t think that’s an excuse to be rude to a guest, but that’s just me. Today, I sent her a picture text about my bins. I know, to some that might seem like no bid deal, but it is to me or I wouldn’t have sent it. She didn’t respond. I’ve commented on her entries on Facebook, but she’s never done so on mine.

I am paranoid and hypersensitive to rejection. I know this about myself. Still, I am feeling more and more resentful. I’ve reached out, and that’s as much reaching as I’m willing to do anymore.

I almost told D yesterday that I don’t trust her. I bit my tongue. I know that would be… what… the unforgivable sin? Woman he loves, mother of his child. He would defend her. He would never be on my side. He would never understand my point of view.

I remembered how, on D’s birthday, she invited me over, then they went out to dinner without telling me. I never got a proper apology for that. I don’t think he even knows that it went down like that. I didn’t tell him, thinking I could get past it. I don’t think I ever did get past it.

She is condescending and makes me feel stupid. She’s negative. She rarely smiles. Her sense of humor tends towards mean; she’s not laughing unless someone is getting hurt or upset. I don’t sense much empathy in her. Does she feel good by tearing others down? Perhaps she was subconsciously punishing me for being someone her husband wants to fuck.

I am not cut out to be around a person like that. It is toxic for me. My fragile psyche cannot handle such an assault. It fills me with self-doubt and other bad emotions.

So why was I around her? Eh, mostly to mollify D. I know he wanted us to get along so that he could have his cake and eat it too. I am done being mentally assaulted and insulted. I won’t be spending any alone time with her anymore. I might visit to see the baby, but I am ready to acknowledge that she and I are not “friends,” and we never will be.

The Search for Mr. Right

2009-12-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

It has only been a very short time since I posted my profiles. The G2G site is doing nothing. The pool of guys in my area is very small, so I didn’t truly expect much, did I? I will give the site credit for giving me inspiration, but I won’t expect to find my soul mate there.

Match, however, has been more productive/interesting/amusing. I had forgotten how much work a true search can be.

Cute guy with a picture of a cat. Profile total BS. He thinks he’s being funny. I don’t feel like I have even the smallest idea of who he is or what he wants at all, so I sadly pass him by. It isn’t easy to find a guy who LIKES cats!

Profile written in all caps. Despite the Internet convention that says that all caps are “YELLING,” it shows me a man who is too lazy to bother using the written language properly. He’s not even trying. Mistakes and typos are more forgivable than this. Yet, I read the profile anyway, just to be fair. He’s the non-intellectual type who wants to hunt and fish more. Yeah, I might have guessed that. (Not that there is anything wrong with that, but if you know me, you know that is so not me.)

There is the usual smattering of men who say they do not care about looks, then go on about how they want a woman to look. I already suspect that guys my age want a blond 25-year-old with fake boobs and pints of make-up tattooed on her face. (She must be gorgeous, yet not vain. She must be perfectly put together, yet not be high-maintenance.) If they would just be honest, it would save a lot of guess work.

I’ve seen an unusual amount of widowers. Wives must be dropping dead left and right in large numbers lately. Makes me a little suspicious.

There are a large number of “out-doorsy” types. That is great for them, but I wouldn’t be able to follow them on a lot of those outings. I hate bugs, but they always find me. I don’t like to be dirty and sweaty if I can help it. And my Rosacea means that beach outings would be difficult and painful for me. As much as I wish I could do more beachy things, I have to be so careful about the sun.

Good looking guy, profile pic almost too perfect to be real, wonderfully written profile. I winked at him, but I don’t expect much. He’s either “I don’t care about looks” and he does, or that picture of him is fake.

Match is tying my hands left and right because I am not a paid profile. It’s getting very annoying. One of my “daily 5” was interested, but they won’t tell me who until I subscribe. If I didn’t have to pay the 6 month premium all at once, they’d have their effing money. $119 is a little much all at once this time of the year, especially with vet bills looming large in my future.

While I was surfing other geek sites the other day, I came across a picture that skeeved me out and I downloaded it. I won’t post it, because I’m sure I’d need his permission to do so. In the least, he might be mad if he found out.

Anyway, the man is sitting on a bed, wearing nothing but a pair of black underwear. He is balding, with long dark hair, a mustache and beard. He is very hairy. He’s got a round, well-fed, hairy belly. His left leg is cocked and appears to be held open by his arm, as if he’s trying to display that which is blessedly covered by the small triangle of black fabric. There is a gun in his right hand, laying on his right thigh.

Beside this glorious hunk of hairy male flesh are two electric guitars, propped against the wall. In front of the guitars on the bed is some electronic equipment that I cannot identify, a sub-machine gun, and 5-6 different types of hand guns. The bed is either a twin or a futon, as it is rather narrow.

I was very surprised by this picture. Did he really expect to entice women with this display? In my search for Mr. Right, I found Mr. OMG!

(I've already been turned down on one of my winks. Hmm, should I put in my profile "I've been told I give the best blow job in three states?" Bet I'd get more winks then I could handle, lol.)

So the hunt begins.

Decisive Actions

2009-12-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

I had a bad few days. I fell into the trap with Facebook that I fell into before with MySpace. I started to want what wasn’t mine. Maybe it was Holiday blues. Maybe it was just my obsessive nature, my tendency to live voyeuristically through others. Maybe it’s all those jewelry commercials on TV with their happy couples and their surprises and their enduring love. I was lonely and sad. I kept fantasizing about telling D no, when more than anything, I wanted him to have chosen me.

As I sat on the couch and cried, I asked myself, what can I do to feel better? What can I do to stop this madness? I sifted through the childish, obsessive impulses and went with the rational ones.

One thing I did was remove D & L from my Facebook feed. It isn’t like I can’t go and check on their status, but it takes a few more clicks. I’m really only on there to play those stupid games. I don’t need to read about their “perfect” lives to do that.

When I can step back, I am pretty happy with what I have. I love my apartment. I love my cats. I love living alone, although I would give that part up for the right person. I never wanted a baby. As much as I enjoy visiting their baby, I am more than happy to give her back. My vision of the family I was supposed to have didn’t include a baby, although… I probably could have been talked into one. Thank God that it didn’t happen by accident.

I found Rob on Facebook, and it messed with my head a little. I dreamed about him last night. I think I was asking myself if I want that back, at least to just feel the touch of a man again. No, I don’t want that, because it was empty, and then I was alone. I want something that means more than that.

What is missing is a man.

I had heard about a dating website for geeks. I resisted it because I didn’t think I was open. In order to have a relationship, I need to be open to it. I need to believe that everyone out there is not a user or a loser. Not every man just wants to fuck and run. I need to believe that there may actually be some nice guys who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated, not the way I seem to think I deserve.

I was sure I wasn’t going to do it. But Geek2Geek allows you to do a search in your area and read the profiles. I read some, and I felt the smile grow on my face. I felt comfortable with what they were saying. I knew that I would find compatible souls among the geeks. The one problem was… they all looked so young. It seems like older men don’t have a tendency to identify themselves as geeks. At a certain age, I guess, they’d rather be considered cool.

So, reading their profiles gave me ideas, and I wrote a profile of my own. I was able to be a part of the site for one month for $2.99. I unchecked auto-renew. I figured it was relatively risk free and if I didn’t have any luck, I could end it with little lost. I even found some relatively recent pictures that I felt were presentable and representative, and posted them.

I looked at another geek site, and I found Josh, a guy I used to see. He was a very nice guy, but not very sexually compatible with me. He was more of a submissive. He did his best, and we had some enjoyable moments, but he is the one about whom I had the thought “a Chihuahua humping a Rottweiler” one night when we were fucking. He is a little guy, about my height and a fraction of my weight.

Most of the guys on that site were very young. I looked at one picture and exclaimed, “He’s five!” So I only subscribed to the one site.

Today I did some final touches. I also bought some gift cards online, and did some surfing. I looked for more geek dating sites. I got pushed off onto Match.com, and decided, why not? If I am serious about this, why not try that again? I found Dave there, and settled far too quickly, but we were together for a couple of good years.

I usually hate writing profiles because I want to come across as someone a guy will want to date. When I wrote the Match profile, I wasn’t as concerned about that. Maybe because I had already written the Geek profile in what I thought was an extremely honest way. It was so refreshing to be able to say who I was and what I like without worrying that some jock was going to read it and laugh. I took the spirit of that and put it in the Match profile as well. I only took out a couple of things to tailor it to the audience, but it didn’t detract from what I wanted to say.

I was told once that I was an incredible woman because I liked sex and video games. I decided not to hide my love of video games, although I toned down the sex. I assume that men automatically think about sex when they look at a woman, so I could afford to save that conversation for later.

I only got the free profile for Match. The price was a little high. I decided that I would subscribe after the Holidays, hopefully in January. One thing that seems different this time is that I feel a bit more open. Strangely open, since only days ago I was totally closed. I decided to date, and even hopefully make some friends. And not take it so seriously.

While I was filling out the profile, D called. When he asked what I was doing, I told him. He said, “Mm-hmm.” I used to think that there was deep thought behind that lack of words, but he probably just doesn’t know what to say. A part of me hoped that he could see that he might be losing me soon. I already told him I would not cheat on any more boyfriends. As he is the center of the universe, I doubt he believes he could ever lose me.

CK and Bandit in the Towels

2009-11-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

I put the dish towels on the floor to remind myself to wash them.

The towels apparently smelled enticing. Bandit is in the background sniffing quietly, while CK goes wild on them.

CK Fetches

2009-11-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

The beginning of the movie is a little rough... don't get seasick... But the footage of CK fetching is just too cute.

When I throw the ball, I make sure he sees it. There have been times I've thrown it and he didn't know it! So I make sure he sees it, and when he brings it back I pet him and tell him he's a good boy. I've been saying, "Bring it," on the off-chance that he will be able to fetch on command.

There are only a few toys he will actually fetch. Unfortunately, the red sparkle ball seen in this video was dunked in his water too may times. It got weakened, and he shredded it. I got it from the vet's office in a "new kitten care package." I haven't seen these in stores, so I won't be able to replace this exact toy. Some of his other toys are very light, making them more difficult to throw. Still, it's a fun time all around!

Update on CK's Condition

2009-11-18T20:34:00.000-08:00

I realized I had not posted about what happened with CK. I remember trying to write about it and just not being able to do it well. The whole subject just makes me feel tired.

The bottom line is that the dental disease, Feline Stomatitis, has progressed. During the weekend of the 7th & 8th, he started sneezing. He threw up oddly. I looked up Feline Sneezing on the Internet, and when I read that sneezing could be caused by tooth problems, I looked in his mouth. His upper back teeth looked awful, red and raw.

I took him to the vet on Monday. The possibility was put forth that it could be a virus, like Feline Herpes. I was given Viralys for him to take twice a day. His attitude is better, and he’s eating well, but when I looked at the teeth, I didn’t see improvement.

The vet gave me the number of a specialist, and I made an appointment to see him at the earliest… which is December 17th. So we wait a month and hope the good luck persists, or he at least doesn’t get worse. I promised him that he will be alright; I will take care of him. I don’t know what is going to happen, but having a course of action feels good.

Facebook

2009-11-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

The latest thing appears to be Farmville. D was on it and tried to get me to play it. I was wary of Facebook because of what happened on MySpace. I know my tendency to get obsessed, especially with “spying” on D&L’s life. Then there was the incident with Kyle’s wife…

But since a bunch of people at work are talking about the game, I decided to play. I intend to leave a minimal footprint on Facebook. I am not on it to socialize, only to play the game. Games. I picked up Fishville as well. I always love fish games. I highly recommend Fish Tycoon.

I looked for a single player farm game that might be similar to attempt to assuage my desires. One thing about these “social” games is that they do encourage some friendly interaction. For instance, I played one of the Harvest Moon incarnations. Although I found it a bit addictive, there was little incentive to hang in with the boring and repetitive tasks. You really didn’t gain anything, and there were no “bragging rights” to your friends.

It is interesting to see what people do with their farms. D is all about efficiency, to the detraction of aesthetics. Some of my friends seek to make enough money only to beautify their properties. Each plot will show a bit of their personality.

Fishville is cute and a little more fast-paced. With a couple of simple tactics, though, I increased my coins and my levels fast! There doesn’t seem as big a need to collaborate. Which is not so bad, really. One slow, plodding collaborative game, and one faster, more solitary one keeps a person glued to Facebook.

I gave into this because I know how my interests/moods work. I will play this until I tire of it, and eventually I will quietly delete myself from Facebook.

What Do I Want?

2009-11-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about telling D no. In writing this book, of thinking about Eladryl’s struggle between pleasure and intimacy, I keep thinking what I wish… How I want to see the intimacy in D’s eyes. How I want him to hold me. How I want to be more than just a hole for him to come in. The last time I was with him, I left feeling like trash. He threw me away. He has always thrown me away. I want so much more for my life. I don’t think I can ever rise above myself if I cannot get out from under him.

Maybe this time I can say no, because my hope is gone. I think it finally died the day he told me they had the fight about the key logger and he gave her a free pass because of the baby. He made his choice. He did not choose me. I’ve always had some sort of hope that he would see me. That he would love me. But maybe what actually broke the camels back was when he said she found the text message. He has absolutely no consideration for anyone but himself. He wants an open marriage, and he married someone who does not. I am tired of being in the middle of this.

I don’t feel sexy lately, but that is not all of it. I don’t want to keep doing something I get nothing out of. I am wasting my time and my effort, only to drive home alone, crying and feeling like trash. I gave up all the others. I am more than willing to be celibate for awhile. Someone probably said they’d rather have bad sex than no sex at all. I’d rather masturbate; at least I am sure to have an orgasm and I know the vibrator won’t bite me. No, it won’t cuddle me or kiss me, but then neither does the bastard I’ve been fucking. At least I feel good and I can put it in a drawer.

What do I want? What I thought I wanted is irrelevant now, impossible. So what I need is for this to stop.

Avatar

2009-11-06T20:21:00.000-08:00

I saw the movie trailer for James Cameron’s Avatar yesterday. I was moved to tears. It touched something inside me that was full of childish wonder. The first time I saw the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, I felt the same way. I was finally able to see something I’ve always wanted to see.

When I first saw the aliens, I felt like I was finally seeing something that I’d always known, always wanted. There is something so familiar about them. Like I’ve met them or been them a thousand times in my head. How could you kill something so beautiful?

I went to the official website and re-watched the trailer two more times. Then I looked through the picture gallery. I new that the aliens were blue and richly detailed. They have bright yellow eyes that seem very luminous and real. What I was able to see in a still that I could not recognize in the trailer is that their features scream “cat.” It was when I saw the picture of him yelling, when I saw his pointed teeth, and his flat nose, wrinkling in just such away. The eyes remind me of Bandit’s eyes, big and round and showing just a bit of white. The wrinkle in the nose reminded me of one of CK’s expressions. The ears reminded me of a mix between animal and elf. How could I not love blue elf-cat people?

Their world is gorgeous. When I saw the floating islands, I thought of Nagrand in World of Warcraft. It looked so amazing. I want to go there.

I went to a forum and read some opinions. Some people said that the plot looked cliché and derivative. It led to discussions about originality. Nothing is original; the key is in the presentation. What I would point out is that originality is wonderful, but you can’t be too original if you want to be commercial. I was so dazzled by the alien world that I didn’t pay too much attention to the plot. Would I want the plot to also be as dazzling and innovative, or would it distract from the beauty?

A friend of mine pointed out that they named the world Pandora. Yeah, not original, but would we really name it something original? I asked him what he would name it, and he said something different and alien. Humans would not use an alien’s name for a planet. We are egocentric enough that we would name it something comfortable to us. Besides, humans were fighting them, not negotiating with them.

He mentioned a couple of video games it reminded him of. I agree. It has a feel of a video game come to life for me. I read criticisms where people say that, and defenders jump down their throats about it. I mean it in a complimentary way. This is what we would want and wish for when we played, such beauty and such realism.

One of the other opinions on the forum is that this might not be successful because people will have a hard time identifying with synthetic actors. The example is Beowulf and Final Fantasy. There is a tendency that the closer they are to photo-realistic humans, they greater the tendency to focus on the discrepancies rather than celebrate the achievement. I have to admit that the actors in Beowulf were creepy to me because the realism kept breaking. They were people, but not quite right. I read an article that talked about detecting the difference between something that was alive and something that was not. I understood that, because we instinctually will look for danger, and something that is alive is much more immediate and potentially dangerous than something that is not.

All is not lost, however. Cartoons are representations of people that we do not expect to be real. I believe that there is the “one step away” that is acceptable. It is when the realism get’s too close that we will have a hard time. My example for that is Final Fantasy: Advents Children. I thought that was simply gorgeous. My eye never believed that these were real, so I was able to enjoy the touches that were done to make them seem more real, like the movement of their hair

I believe the choice of making the animated actors so alien is perfect. We won‘t expect human-quality realness, and those moments that pull us out of the action will, hopefully, not be as disruptive.

Someone on the forum said he’d been waiting for this movie since 1999. I am glad I only found out recently. I would hate to have been in such suspense for so long! This could end up being one of my favorite movies. I hope I don’t assign as much potential to it as I did to Spore and end up very disappointed.

I find that I truly enjoy reading forums. I enjoy reading opinions of new articles, or reviews of products, and the forums associated with them. People are funny. It often amazes me that the Internet breeds trolls. Anonymity can bring out the worst in people. I know that I am a little bolder (I.e. the blog) but I am basically who I am no matter what. If I post something it’s because I feel I have something to contribute. I don’t argue with people who are obviously saying things simply to get a reaction.

I am not sure I understand why they must be so ugly and confrontational. I think it’s much nicer to be nice.

Adventures in Babysitting

2009-10-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

I babysat for D’s & L’s daughter on Saturday. She was very good. She ate a couple of times, played a little, but mostly slept. I watched her from 10 to 7. At the end of the day, I was exhausted. Even when she wasn’t awake, I was so attentive. I was alert to every twitch or whimper.

When L brought her over, we set up the furniture. She had a little mini gym mat for her, one of those things with little bars and toys hanging from it. CK didn’t want anything to do with L or the baby, but Bandit was curious. Bandit sniffed all over that mat, which probably smelled like dog. He lay down on it, looking all comfy. He sat under one of those flowers with a mirror in it. He looked up, and saw himself, and freaked out! He jumped up and ran out of the room! It was quite comical. He came back later and batted at the toys.

While I was sitting at the computer and K was in her swing, CK came to me and wanted attention. He seemed to need reassurance. “No, sweet boy, she’s not my new pet. You’re still my baby.”

Later, when K was awake, I put her on the mat. She didn’t really care about the toys. She kept looking at the TV. I was watching Snakes on a Plane. Bandit came over to see her. He sniffed her head, then kind of crinkled his nose. He sat down, and he poked her in the head. He can be very gentle. He poked her the way he used to poke me in the nose; he didn’t use his claws. I didn’t encourage him to poke her, but he poked her two more times. He looked very curious about what she was. If she was mine, I’d have given him a little more leeway to see what he would do. I can’t imagine he would hurt her. But if he scratched her, I would feel awful, so I discouraged him.

I had to put her back in the swing because I had her in the boppy and she started to cry. When I put her in the swing she wailed a bit, but she calmed down quickly. I knew they didn’t want her to sleep that much, but I didn’t know what else to do.

I had a moment watching her in the swing when I choked up, got tears in my eyes. I thought that I loved her. Bastard, giving me his baby so I love her. I figured it was another way to trap me.

I called D when he was on his way home. He wanted to go get a beer, but he said he thought he should come get her. I said, “She’s good and quiet, but I would appreciate that.” He could drink a beer when he got home.

I got a text around 1:30 from L asking how long K slept at my place because she couldn’t get her down. Ah, ha. Everything is a criticism. I am not tormenting that child to keep her awake so they could get a full night sleep. I am not letting her get overtired and fussy here, so I can deal with a wailing cranky baby. She’s not my baby. I gave them back a fed, healthy, safe baby. Deal with it, bitch. Or find someone else to watch her.

I looked it up on the Internet and I felt kind of justified. She is not yet two months old. She needs a lot of sleep. A friend at work said that if they were depriving her of sleep, that was wrong. She said, “Do they want her to be stupid?” They are, why shouldn’t she be?

Cruising

2009-10-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine went on a cruise, and she is planning another one next year. A thought got into my head that it sounded like fun. I never go anywhere and I never do anything. How fun would it be to sit on deck with my mini and dedicate myself to writing. I could see it. It excited me. It wouldn’t happen tomorrow, so I have time to plan it.

I found a writer’s cruise in April going to the Mexican Riviera. I want to take a closer look at what is being offered. Maybe I would be interested in that. I think maybe I am more interested in the Caribbean. I don’t have to be amongst writers to work on my own writing. I would also be able to do excursions and see things I have never seen before. I won’t be sunning on the beach or swimming or scuba diving, but can still have fun.

One of my regrets is that I have to be so careful about the sun. I can’t do some of the things other people take for granted. I can’t get too hot for extended periods of time, I can’t be in the sun without lots of sunscreen, and sunscreen stings me. I typically forgo outside activities because of that. If I am careful, I can still enjoy myself.

Cruises have lots of indoor areas. I can also probably find shady areas where I can hang out, people watch, and write. They have Internet cafés and Internet hotspots. (I go off on tangents and like to do research while I’m writing.) I can wear sunscreen when I am motivated. I know I will pay for it, but sometimes it is worth the pain. I loved Gatorland; it was worth the pain.

There are things to consider. I still don’t know the prognosis on CK. He could end up being another high-maintenance animal. If his teeth must be pulled, that will cost me a lot of money. I started a “Vet Bills” savings account as insurance, but I only have $300. I didn’t think he’d get sick so young; he is only about 8 months old.

Ever since the vet visit, I’ve been watching CK like a hawk. I am wary of any behavior changes. When he wouldn’t finish his food, I was afraid his gums hurt. I mixed warm water in his food and made it soupy. I called him over and he finished it. Tonight, he tried to eat my Rice Crispies bar, so I got him more food, made it warm and soupy. He ate most of it. Bandit came in later and scarfed up the rest.

Something in the vet’s tone made me think he thought CK might be underweight. He’s thin but solid. I don’t think he’s underweight. I was probably being paranoid. But part of me wondered… if he keeps trying to jump my food, maybe he isn’t getting enough of his own food. I figure he doesn’t like the dry food as much as Bandit because it hurts his gums. Previously, I just thought it was preference.

He likes to do what most cats do. He eats, and takes a break. He wants to go back later, but the wet food dries out and becomes too icky to eat. I worry about spoiling him, because I can’t be here to feed him 4 to 5 times a day. But maybe once he stops growing, he won’t need to eat so much.

I saw the two cats side-by-side, and CK is definitely taller and longer than Bandit. Bandit is a compact, strong boy with wide round eyes. He has an angel face. I wish he was more lovey. I make sure I pick him up every day at least once a day. I think picking cats up is an important component in reinforcing trust.

Looking at the two of them, I wonder if I would really want to leave them for a week. If they were well and I could get someone to look after them so that I didn’t worry, it might be nice to be somewhere else for awhile. Be someone else. I would miss them, the purrs and the snuggles. But if I can step outside my little box for awhile, I think I could benefit from the experience. I would end up going through kitten withdrawal.

At this point, I am looking at doing the cruise alone. It would be nice to have company, but that isn’t really an option right now. In the past I wouldn’t have considered doing this alone. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand; I can do this and make it what I want it to be. I just need to do some research and planning, and break it into steps.

Lunch Box Trauma

2009-10-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

When I get home from work, I put my soft lunch box on the back of the loveseat. I tend to put it away later and put the cold pack away. I try to do that before I go to bed.

I can’t stop CK from scratching the love seat. I don’t encourage him and I push him away when he does. He is just one of those cats who scratches everything. And I do mean everything. I put an afghan over the loveseat thinking it might hamper him, but he just scratches the blanket too.

Last night, CK stretched up and scratched on the afghan, and my lunch box fell on him. Bandit was nearby. The two of them must have felt like they were being attacked! They tore around the corner, into the kitchen, hit the pantry door probably because they skidded on the rug. CK continued into the bedroom but Bandit stopped at the edge of the intersection to the hallway from the kitchen. His tail was bottle-brush bushy and he looked terrified.

I talked softly to him and kicked the lunchbox, trying to show him it was harmless. He jumped like it was going to run after him. It was the funniest thing. I was going to leave it there so they could come back and investigate it, but instead I just picked it up and put it away. They both hid in the bedroom for a little while, but they wandered back later, none the worse for the fright.

It must have been cold last night, because I woke up sandwiched between the two cats. It felt nice. They don’t typically sleep on the bed with me, but I am okay if they do. They usually just visit me for cuddles and nuzzles when they think I am awake. I keep hoping that Bandit will outgrow kneading on bare skin. It seems that no matter how often I cut his nails, it hurts. I had a blanket between us one night and he kneaded that. I was able to tolerate that for much longer.

Last weekend, I didn’t leave the apt. It was cold and wet and I figured I could skip shopping. I spent a lot of time with the boys. I love observing their behavior. I sat and played WoW, but when I looked over at them, CK opened his eyes. Bandit was sitting on the back of the couch and CK was sitting on the seat of the couch. I went to CK, petted him, talked to him, and petted Bandit too. I went back to my computer. When I turned back, Bandit had jumped down on CK and was trying to lick his head. CK was biting and pushing back. It was all very quiet. A silent struggle. I found the silence amusing. If they had been dogs, there would probably have been barking and whining.

Sometimes I wonder what they think of each other. Bandit is usually the more aloof and solitary of the two, but he does seem to enjoy romping. He likes the chasing and the wrestling, but he doesn’t like to cuddle with CK. When CK was little, he seemed like he wanted to snuggle with Bandit. When he tried, Bandit would leave. He doesn’t try anymore. I figure he gets his love from me, so he’s accepted Bandit’s emotional distance.

Bandit does seem more distant overall. He doesn’t purr as much. I’ve sometimes petted him, trying to get him to purr, and he won’t. He’ll only purr at certain moments, like when he greets me after a day of work, or when he kneads me at night. Sometimes I wonder if that means he is not happy. I accept that it is just his personality. CK purrs very easily. He sometimes purrs when I just look at him or talk to him. He seems happy all the time.

There have been moments when I wondered about the road not taken. What if I had gotten Bandit and his brother? What if I had gotten CK and his sister?

I came up for a name for the little black and white female kitten I didn’t get. Haiku. I thought that would be adorable. Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry, which is not related to Siam, which is what Thailand was called until 1939. (She seems to be part Siamese.) Still, I would not have to name her authentically. After all, Bandit is named after WoW, and CK means “creepy kitty.” Haiku would be acceptably exotic to fit my little girl, if she was mine.

Happy Hallow’s End

2009-10-22T18:33:00.001-07:00

I enjoy the Hallow’s End event in World of Warcraft. Halloween was always more fun to me than many other Holidays, so I am enjoying the achievements, the quests, and the decorations. Everywhere you go, there are pumpkins!

I did almost everything I could do on my own toons. I asked D if he wanted me to run his toons around and get what I could with them. He hasn’t been able to play for a long time. I got lucky on the weekend when he was able to run me through Deadmines. I want to go through the Stockades, Gnomergan, and Blackfathom Deeps, but it is doubtful he will have time.

Usually, I balk at doing anything for him in WoW. I even tried to look at this from different angles to make sure I was getting something out of it. Last night I ran his 74 Dwarf Hunter around to the Inns to get the candy to complete the 4 achievements for him. I did the Orphan Matron quests in Goldshire, and picked up the Headless Horseman quest for him. I went to Southshore and did the two quests there, one of which was an inordinate amount of very boring running. I got him two flight points in Kalimdor that he didn’t have.

When I did the Southshore quests on my 80 hunter, I also stuck around and killed Horde so I could get the G.N.E.R.D. Rage achievement. They apparently had quests to throw stink bombs and do something in the Inn. The guards saw them very quickly. If they did anything that turned them PvP, there were bunches of Alliance who helped the guards slaughter them. When I first arrived to get my candy, I saw the skeletons littering the lawns and the Inn. I stuck around to see why. I got the gist, but I had other things to accomplish so I left. I came back later to join the “defense.”

I felt a little guilty for the joy I took in it. I have a problem where I get a little addicted to PvP. There truly is something different about pwning a player vs. fighting the computer. Even though this was akin to shooting fish in a barrel, I still had fun. I liked it because I had back up. In most PvP venues, even though you win more if you work as a team, most people seem to have a hard time with that concept. Because the Horde were coming in singly or in pairs, there were many people focusing on the few. I could set my silithid on someone, and she would web them; in those few seconds where the enemy could not move, the rest were upon him. I did get a couple of solo kills, and I did entirely miss some kills, but often I felt like I was an important to component to the meager victories.

What I found interesting was that there were certain Horde names I saw over and over. It’s like they kept coming back to see if they could do better. Or maybe they came back looking for revenge. I am not the only one who gets bitten by the PvP bug.

I didn’t do the G.N.E.R.D. Rage achievement for him. If he wants to get any of the combat-based achievements he’ll have to do it himself. First of all, his bars were all jacked up. We have different logic to which icons to display and where to put them. I’d have a hard time fighting with his setup. Second, I wouldn’t feel comfortable depleting his bullets or using his resources. Even if he wanted me to, I wouldn’t. I am more comfortable fighting with my own toon.

I don’t entirely understand why he wanted me to do his achievements for him. I think that the fun of the game is in the experience. I love watching the little announcement pop up telling me I accomplished the achievement. He is essentially getting something for nothing, which he likes. I am getting to do the achievements again and pick up flight points, which I like. I thought about finishing the exploration for him, but that would take too long. I hoped to finish his main last night, and I would have, except my Internet went out around 12:15. I was too tired to fight Comcast, and I had taken my melatonin, so I went to bed. This morning it was back up, but of course WoW was down for maintenance.

I thought about trying to “dual box” using two different launches of WoW on my computer. I tried it, and it would probably work. I wanted to get additional flight points for my rogue. I decided I didn’t want to put forth the effort, so I aborted. It did seem like my computer would be able to handle it though. Maybe one night when I’m feeling more ambitious I’ll try it. Or I might just run her alone. There is something exciting about running a lowbie through zones that are a little too high for her to get the flight points. I remember running a level 14 through the Wetlands, my heart in my throat, and loving it.

I wanted to take my level 30 into Azshara to go fishing. Naga who don’t even agro on my level 80 ran in and killed my 30 as soon as I veered off the road. I didn’t really think that it would work, but it was worth a try.

CK's Plight

2009-10-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

I took CK to the vet on Saturday. I got him a distemper booster and a bartonella retest. I had the Dr look in his mouth and he found a lesion. He said CK could be allergic to his teeth. (The clinical term is Feline Stomatitis.) It is a progressive disease that would eventually require his teeth to be removed.

I learned a lot about FS today and it freaked me out. The first treatment would be to administer steroids. But from what I've read, that merely supresses the symptoms without addressing the underlying pathology. I find myself wondering why someone would do that. The disease is painful to the animal, progressing to lesions on the gums and throat that might make it too painful for the animal to eat. If the diagnosis becomes certain, why would you wait until quality of life is shattered before eliminating the cause?
Now, I don't want to pull his teeth. I find myself praying that he has bartonella so I can put him on antibiotics that have a high chance of curing this. But if it came down to that -- if I was told that nothing is going to stop this -- then why not have the offending teeth pulled now? He is young and strong. He would heal quicker. The degree of pathology is currently low, so removal would prevent additional deterioration.

The problem with delaying tactics, in my opinion, is that you risk the quality of life for the individual while you wait. Vet visits are stressful. Medication is unpleasant to administer, and may cause severe side effects of its own. (The suppressive treatment is steroids to decrease inflammation.) If suppression doesn't work, the animal is in pain and potentially unable to eat. They may also become depressed or aggressive. (Imagine you're starving, but you go to eat something and it hurts too much to chew. That is what this disease does.)

So far, CK is just a doll baby. He is sweet and happy. He eats well. I would not have known by his behavior that anything was wrong. I originally thought his inflammation was due to teething, but he is over teething now. It upsets me that he could be in pain and masking it. He may have a high pain tolerance, but I don't like the thought that he hurts at all.

I educated myself on this issue because, if a train is going to derail in a month, I want to fix the track now. If I have to get his teeth removed, I will need to take him to a specialist, and that is $$. Going out of my way, spending lots of money, submitting to tons of stress and hassle. I want to have an idea of what that might be before it happens.

D, of course, said to put him down. That, my dears, is out of the question. CK is the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I can't wait to go home at night. He is my smile in the middle of the day.

In a way, this all kind of makes sense. I knew from the moment I got him that if I was going to have problems, it would be with him. I also think that of the two he would be able to handle this best. He has a spirit that is hard to define. He has such joy in being alive. He seems to put all of himself into whatever he does. If a closet is open, his nose is there. (He is learning that "nose out" means "I'm going to squish you in a door.") There is always something new to do, a toy to chase, food to beg, something to climb or sratch or explore. I expect that one day I will find him on top of my highest bookshelf.

I realize that I am the queen of the food and both of them worship me for it, but I truly feel like CK loves me. He comes to me for pets and cuddles, and he puts all his purrs and love into that. He'll fall against me dramatically, as if to say, "I can't get enough of you." When he looks at me, he purrs so hard his chest hitches. (I used to worry about that when he was younger, but he doesn't wheeze or seem in distress. When he stops purring his breathing is normal.) Anywhere I am, I can turn and he is probably nearby. When he's not asleep or madly wrestling with Bandit, he's watching me.

It saddens me to think that at 8 months old, I may already be looking at CK's death. Or maybe I am the right person; we were brought together for a reason. Maybe he'll defy odds that always seemed stacked against him. Maybe he'll live to be 20 years old, laying on my lap and purring toothlessly.

Stupid Cheater

2009-10-13T20:45:00.001-07:00

D called me today and said L was ok with me babysitting. But she also read my text message and found out that I had paid him a visit yesterday. She was mad, but “she’s cool with it now.”

“I thought you erased those messages,” I said.

“I do,” he said, “but I forgot.”

“It was just a blow job,” he said, “just a blow job.” But he had told her he wouldn’t see anyone until January. For a cheater, he is so stupid. He always gets caught.

“I don’t like being in the middle of this,” I said. “This is your fault. I just did what you told me to. I don’t know why I do it, but I do.”

I must have sounded pretty upset, because he said, “I gotta go, I’ll call you back,” and he didn’t call me back. Nothing can be his fault. He can never be to blame. His wife was pissed, and now I was upset. He just couldn’t handle it.

I don’t like coming between them like that. Maybe I have too much empathy. I know she hates how he is. I know he didn’t deceive her about what he wanted, so in a way, she agreed to something she cannot accept. I know she thought things would change. Not to mention how it makes me feel and what it does to me. Neither one of them ever stops to consider that part.

These past two times, I wasn’t even wet. I went through the motions. I didn’t enjoy it and I got nothing out of it. It was a chore for me. Yesterday, I went feeling like an idiot and left feeling like trash. He’s going to have to find someone else. I don’t like this.

My co-worker, who doesn’t like D anyway, heard about the babysitting. She was incensed for me. She has some good points. I suspect he thinks he’s going to get free babysitting from me. She said I better get paid.

Her points were that I only have my weekends, so they would be taking one of my days away from me. I don’t have a baby, nor have I had a baby, so my lifestyle is built around other things, not around babies. She said it truly was an imposition. It wasn’t like they were asking me to watch her for a couple of hours while they went to the movies, but most of the day, maybe every other weekend. She said he should pay for a babysitter and not expect me to watch his spawn. I laughed because I had tried not to think of her that way. It’s not her fault. I will try, but if I can’t handle it, I’ll just tell them that I can’t handle it.

I think I might owe my ISP an apology. I had low internet speed and lag since Friday. It has happened before, so I assumed that maybe people were home for the weekend and causing the lag. I sent an email. What I got back irritated me. They always blame the user! I couldn’t read it that day because I was irritated.

Tonight, yes, I was irritated. I had a rough day. We were busy at work and I got some expectations of me that I felt were unwarranted. If you don’t understand my job, don’t dictate to me what you think I should be doing. Everyone wants someone else to do their job for them. I just wanted to say, “Leave me alone!”

So, I decided I would go through the email and try to figure out if there was anything I could do on my end to eliminate the lag, or prove that the lag was their fault. Some of what they send me didn’t apply. My problem wasn’t the browser, but the application. The lag was so bad that I couldn’t play WoW. I couldn’t fish successfully let alone fight. I tried to fight, and I got killed 5 times in half an hour.

I shut off some of the background apps. Afterwards, I got a cleaner speedtest. I went in and tried to run around Dalaran, and I got disconnected 4 times. I wanted to scream. I exited the application and looked at more things. At the bottom of the email, it said to make sure your computer was hooked directly to the cable. Thinking, “yeah, right,” I disconnected my wireless modem and connected the Ethernet cable directly to the computer again.

The heavens opened and the angels sang!

No, not really, but the speedtest improved dramatically. I went back into WoW, and the red lag was replaced with nice green numbers. I could run around with no hesitation. I finished my daily cooking quest without getting disconnected. I signed in with my rogue, wondering how long my luck would last. It was awesome; I got her half-way to 28 by killing orcs in Ashenvale. Sadly, there must be something wrong with my wireless router or the cable. I am going to get a replacement Ethernet cable and see if that helps. I’ve had such bad luck with this router.

The one good thing about the lag was that I wrote and researched this weekend instead of focusing on leveling my rogue. I made progress when otherwise I might not have. Besides writing this, I just wanted to chill out tonight.

Babysit

2009-10-12T20:04:00.001-07:00

I spent some time with L on Sunday. I watched the baby while she did things. She was grateful to be able to get things done. I gave her my recipe and she cooked while I rocked the fussy baby. I came up with a new exercise: swivel from hip to hip with a ten-pound weight on your chest.

She is such a sweety. She is starting to be able to focus and make expressions. It was fun. It will be more fun when she starts to play with things.

L went back to work today. She looked sad about that yesterday, said she would miss the baby. But she also thought it would be a good opportunity for D to see what she did all day. He was apparently criticizing her for not getting enough done around the house. She should get used to it; he’s always done that and he always will.

He called me around 10:30 am today to come over and “get some penis” while the baby was napping. Once again, I did as he asked. Once again, there was nothing in it for me. He came in my mouth. Of course, then the baby woke up and demanded everyone’s attention. I kissed him and left.

This evening, he called to say that this schedule they had planned, where L would work only when D was off, was not going to work. Her job demanded that she work at least one day each weekend, a Saturday or Sunday. He asked if I would watch the baby.

I thought about it. Yeah, I would do it.

He said that I could watch her at their place, or they could bring her here. It would be easier to watch her there, but more convenient if they brought her here. He said he could bring the pack-and-play. I think that is the best bet, because to be honest, I don’t want to be babysitting the grandmother and the two big German Shepherds too. I am a little nervous about the cats, but they’ll deal.

D said the woman up the street in their neighborhood does professional daycare. They thought of asking her, but she may not do weekends and “newborn prices” are always high. Ah, looking for free daycare? He offered to pay me, but I said he didn’t owe me anything. We’ll work it out later. Strangely, being trusted with someone’s child, no matter how mercenary the reason, feels good. I kind of excited to see if I can do it.

More Work Than I Thought

2009-10-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

Reality: the place where “I will,” turns into “what do I do now?”

I want to write a book. I have an idea that seemed to be, quite frankly, sabotaged from the beginning. It was based on a dream. I lost all the notes about the plot and characters. I labored under the thought that there was something missing, that I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen.

The last straw was when I needed to create a conflict for my main character. I decided that she would not like sex, so that when she experienced the alien-induced incident of sexual abandonment, she would have more to deal with than just embarrassment. I needed a reason for her to dislike sex that was not rape and was not sexual dysfunction. Rape is taboo in romantic fiction, and if used in any genre must be given adequate respect to be realistic. Mostly women read romance, and they do it for escapist reasons. Women don’t like rape, and anyone who has been raped knows that there is some heavy emotional issues to traverse. This fiction I wanted to create wouldn’t be the venue for that type of exploration. As for sexual dysfunction, that would make her sexual experience tantamount to a miracle; how corny.

I created a reason, I wrote out the scene, and I was very unhappy with it. It was a bad reason, not personal enough, and it didn’t ring true. I felt both a sense of paralysis and a sense of boredom. I did some research and I couldn’t figure it out; I suspected that I made a character so unlike myself that I just could not relate. I related more to her rival, the sexually free, innuendo-spewing attention-whore.

Why would someone NOT like sex? Especially someone young, beautiful, and healthy? Unfathomable.

But that wasn’t the only thing I had to do. I wanted to give the main romantic interest a secret of his own. Woe is me, how would I ever understand MALE motivation?

This book-writing crap is more work that I thought…

So I dug out the fanfic sex fantasy I wrote about World of Warcraft. Nice. Great tone, a little funny, and the sex was damn hot. The one problem was that I had to remove anything that was blatantly WoW, because it is copyrighted and part of a popular franchise. I went through it and highlighted in red anything that was derived from WoW. In some cases, I just had to replace certain words. In other places, I highlighted concepts that would need to change as the words were changed.

I have the whole Troll theme going on; to alter that would alter the sex scenes and change some of her motivation. I would also have to get rid of some really amusing comparisons, which I am loath to do.

What drew me back to this story was that it has a very personal message. It deals with anger, lust, and the heroine using people to get what she wants. She is damaged, so she brings damage down on the whole world. If I were to break this up into three parts, the first part would be about the lust and the anger. “The weak feel pain. The weak get used or they get killed. I am strong, and so I use them and I kill them.”

Part two will be about her discovering who she is, why she is, and that there are alternatives to beliefs she has long held and practiced. She will learn that it is possible to love and be loved.

Part three will be about her going home. She will face the choice: to stay in the life she has always known, or return to the life she has recently discovered. I have to make this a conflict that can go either way.

I feel like I understand this conflict better, and I am very attracted to the people and the setting. When I was young, I used to fantasize about waking up in an Elvin village surrounded by regal beautiful noble people. I also like sex, and I want to be able to deal with it frankly and explicitly. Erotica, so I’m told, is a story that could not be told if the sex was removed. The sex is an integral motivation or conflict or goal. I don’t know much about the erotica market, but I know that when I write, I find it difficult to leave out sex and/or sexual motivations. I know that if you give me a rule, I want to break it. I get the impression that erotica can cross many genres and still be marketable. Apparently, this genre is becoming more mainstream. A successful writer in the genre was offered a 1 million dollar advance. It makes me go cross-eyed to think of it.

I am not embarrassed by sex. I would not be morally opposed to telling people I wrote erotica, even if they thought I wrote porn. I might be a little hesitant to tell my family, but in the end, if they disapproved or had a problem with it, that would be their problem, not mine.

I chose this genre because I’ve always had a fascination with non-humans. That took the shape of alien, or fairy/elf, or vampire in my youth. I’ve probably spent so much time in my life wishing I was anything but human. I think setting my characters aside from humanity, despite that they actually are people, will make me more comfortable writing them.

From a few scenes, I have to create a book. I made an outline, and once again, I figured out what scenes I needed. I have written 5,629 words. It seems like such a pitiful few when a book is about 60,000 words!

Writer’s block is about not knowing where to begin or being afraid of messing up. The trick is to just do it. We want to be so perfect that we don’t write anything at all. Even knowing that I can fix it later doesn’t make me feel better, because the possibilities are so fluid that they are overwhelming. I can literally do anything. It’s exciting, but also scary. If I can do anything, what should I do? Thoughts like that can really stifle creativity.

Description

2009-10-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything to do with my novel since last week. I have been paralyzed by what I considered a weak concept. Last night, I wanted to write something, and my eyes lit upon a poster I had on my wall. I decided to describe the subject as clearly and colorfully as I could so that the reader might see what I saw. Below is the result:

The shape rose from the golden water, appearing carved of ebony, splashed with scarlet. The body was serpentine and winged, corded with muscle. The arms terminated with vicious four-fingered paws tipped with dagger claws. Small proto-wings attached the arm to the sinuous body. The legs were hidden by the expanse of huge primary wings, scarlet striped with black. The red armored chest rose to a thick corded neck, the underside of which was paved in red scales. The head dipped to black horned face with small sulfurous eyes glowing beneath a crest of ruby spines. The crest began at the crown of its head and paraded menacingly down its back. The mouth was a beak of multiple points encased in red dexterous lips that opened to emit a fearless shriek. The creature was a monstrous black dragon.

Life With Cats

2009-10-03T21:12:00.001-07:00

I went to the pet store today to see if the black & white kittens were still there. Last time I went, about two weeks ago, they were both still there. They were sleeping and I didn't wake them. I knew that if I did, it would be so hard to leave. Today, only the girl was there. I poked her through the bars and she wouldn't wake up (she's probably so used to it.)

"Damn it," I thought. "I want to see her." So I unhooked the four latches that kept the door closed and reached in and petted her. She woke up to that, began to purr, and came over to see me. I took her out and held her. She is a very sweet kitten. I had seen one of the staff interact with her on a previous visit and I know that she is well-treated. She is quick to purr, and she doesn't mind being held. I held her like a baby and she didn't struggle. She stayed limp except that she sniffed me and looked around. The show of trust in that warms my heart. I hope that she finds a home that deserves her.

There was a much smaller kitten, a brown tabby girl. A family was "ooing and ahing" over her while I held the black & white girl. The mother already told me they had two big dogs and were baby-sitting another dog. They weren't going to buy the kitten. (Any more than I was going to buy the one I was holding.) But they were taking up the time of one of the staff. The children were... whatever children are: excited, obnoxious, loud. But the father was one of those people who thinks that telling endless personal stories to staff is somehow relevant and/or welcome. Non-stop stupid chatter that the poor pet store guy had to pretend to care about. It was truly inane chatter. I had the cruel urge to say to him, "get off the drugs; if you aren't on drugs, get on some!"

I wanted to ask a question, but the family was so overwhelming that I could not ask it discreetly. I figured I already knew the answer anyway. My question was: do they do FeLV and FIV testing on the kittens when they come in? I was pretty sure the answer was no.

Not knowing what the cat may have before I bring her home is disturbing to me. I would have to keep her separated from the boys completely until after I got her tested. At this point, the routine is pretty much established and she probably would not be welcome. CK may like another playmate, but he would NOT like to share his food. I keep ticking off the monetary reasons in my head... the price of cat litter, the price of food, the price of vet care... it's a high price to pay when I should be content with the two cats I have. Not to mention the chaos, the additional destruction, and the third nose poking into all my business. (I must be crazy, because that last sentence actually sounds nice to me! Well, except for the "destruction.")

So I walked out of the pet store empty-handed. I was wistful on the ride home. But when I got home, I had my orange menace in my face. Every door I open, he's there. Every room I go into, he follows. Everything I eat, he wants to investigate. I sat on the couch and he sat next to me; I forgot all about wanting another cat.

An Itch

2009-10-02T20:51:00.001-07:00

D called today to tell me that he was going to come see me but he forgot it was Friday and I was at work. The way he talked about it confused me at first, jumping in the middle like he thought I could read his mind. Then he said something about “scratching an itch,” and it dawned on me. It’s down to this, and it makes me sick. It’s probably always been this way, but I hoped for more. There was a time I felt that he really wanted me, that he really couldn’t wait to see me. That is so ‘five years ago’ now.

Despite the bad pop culture reference, it has actually been 5 years in September since I met him. One of my biggest regrets is ever agreeing to meet him in the first place. What would have happened if I stuck to saying no to married men? What would my life be now, better or worse? I wonder because without the wake-up call of the mental pain he caused me, I may not have gone to counseling. I may have continued on my spiral of self-destruction, and I may have found someone much worse. I could be dead, because I really think that’s where I was headed. Or I may have taken the path to salvation at a later date.

The last few times we had sex were quick and perfunctory. It really was about scratching an itch. On one hand, it doesn’t inconvenience me much. There are no bruises to nurse, no marks to fade. I might have an occasional pulled muscle, because I’m getting old, but it’s basically ten minutes and he’s done. I can almost fuzz that out. There’s no longer even any illicit thrill from the thought that he chose to cheat with me. I might as well have scratched his back for all the enjoyment I got out of it. On the other hand, why waste my time on sex with someone who can’t even do as much for me as b.o.b. can do (battery operated boyfriend)?

I am feeling a little cranky right now because I ate a sausage sandwich, the thought of which even now makes my mouth water. My skin had a bad reaction to it and I’m stinging. I am going to have to stop eating food that I like because the spices make my Rosacea flair up. (It’s not that good for me anyway, so the downside is mostly emotional.)

There are three things in my life that bother me: my skin, my weight, and my age. I can’t do anything about my age. Everyone gets older. I find it hard to believe that “it’s just a number,” as people tell me. Half of my life is over, and if I don’t live to be 80, then MORE than half of my life is over. It hardly seems fair. I can only manage my skin disease; I’ve done what I can, and it has all failed. It won’t ever go away, so I have to try to mitigate the symptoms by watching what I eat and how hot I get over sustained periods of time. My weight, though, I can work on.

When the last of the skin treatments failed in July, I fell into a depression. It was not a deep depression, because the antidepressant didn’t allow it. When I think about my skin and the fact that it will never be pale and pretty again, I want to cry. There is a special loss there, because when I had that complexion, I didn’t appreciate it. I’ll never have an opportunity to feel normal. The Rosacea makes me feel like a freak. Your face is the first thing someone sees when they meet you, and I know that I look like I am either perpetually blushing or sun-burned. There is nothing I can do about it.

I gave up on my diet when the skin treatments failed. I quit exercising. I quit caring. I put the weight back on. I noticed the difference in my breathing and in my joints, especially my knees. My clothes fit differently. My boobs got bigger. (Some people will not think that bigger boobs are bad, and no they’re not, but it is a symptom of weight gain.) Last weekend we had a company picnic, and when I saw the pictures of me I said, “I really am fat.” It didn’t fit the picture I have of myself, so I started exercising again. I just need to continue with it.

The way I know that the depression is not deep is that I can still enjoy my life. I don’t sit on the couch and want to do nothing. I still want to do my hobbies and I enjoy them. I still get a lot of joy from my kittens. In fact, the other night when I was exercising, CK lay down nearby and I could watch him while I rode the bike. Maybe it was him who allowed me to go further than I had originally intended.

The fascination with the frying pan can be looked on as both a good and a bad thing. It is something new and fun, a way for me to experiment with food in ways that I have never done before. I am enjoying myself. I made a grilled cheese sandwich that was exactly like my mom used to make! I was thrilled. It is hard to get things to be exactly like I remember from childhood. Food has changed, or my taste buds did. Considering my “problem” with food, it might lead me to more overeating. I am hoping my cravings calm down as my enthusiasm wanes. Maybe I can find something healthy to fry that does not become unhealthy by frying it.

D said that L goes back to work this weekend. It seems awfully early to me, since the baby is less than a month old. But whatever, it’s not my concern. While she is at work, D will have the baby. Maybe the first day L goes back to work is not the time to be out looking to get his itches scratched? But he’s never thought of anyone but himself.

He also said he wanted to go to a movie. I reminded him that there are plenty of people who have offered to baby-sit. He could find one of them for a couple of hours. I didn’t offer, because I’m still a little intimidated by her. I would probably be just fine, but I don’t know enough about babies to feel comfortable. I imagined him bringing her here; I don’t know what CK would think of her! He’d probably stay far away from her and of course I wouldn’t let him hurt her. But I’d hate to give her back and say, “Sorry, my cat bit your baby.”

Reviewer

2009-10-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

I joined a website called The Next Big Writer. I signed up with the free account to get a feel of the community and to review novels-in-progress. To post work for review, it is a paid subscription. I didn't want to pay for anything until I got an idea of the quality of feedback people were receiving.

The premise of the site is that nobody is perfect. You give feedback so they can improve. It's not personal, which appeals to me. It's also just an opinion, so if you don't like an opinion, you don't have to use it. The instructions say: "Provide constructive feedback and criticism. Do not just gush about how good the work is. No writer is so good that there couldn't be improvements." That line spoke to me, because I did see some of that in the reviews. I figured that they meant: yes, please do specifically say what you liked, and specifically what you think could be improved.

I popped a book onto my reading list because the title caught my attention. I read a bit of it and wasn't all that impressed. Either because I couldn't get into the genre or because I had inadvertently taken Excedrin when I meant to take Motrin. I was really jittery and impatient at midnight when I should have been ready to sleep.

Wednesday, at work, I went through the first chapter. (I know, I should have been working! I did do some actual work, but in the downtime, I read.) I found it very fun to be a reviewer! I pasted the chapter into Wordpad and marked out the places for improvement in red, and the awesome moments in blue. When I constructed the actual feedback post, I had to take them out of the document and put them in a logical order. The formatting didn't allow colors; that was just for my benefit.

When the user reads your feedback, he rates it for it's usefulness, from 1 (lowest) to 5. He thanked me and gave me a 5! I was jazzed. My friend at work said he could have just been nice, but I don't think so because he didn't have to rate it that high. I only gave him a three.

Why the result was in doubt was because I was very honest in my review. Sometimes people don't like honest answers even when they ask for them. I did point out what I thought he did well, but I also said this:

"I found the paragraph when [your character] cut out his target's liver to be comical, but I don't think that was your aim. To tone down some of the melodrama, maybe reword "swiftness of a panther" and remove unnecessary repetition or emphasis."

To be honest, when I read that his character jumped on his target with "swiftness of a panther," I laughed out loud. I wondered if he was writing a comedy. I do have a sick sense of humor anyway! But when I read the rest of the chapter, I knew he was trying to create the image of a man who would as soon kill you as look at you, a man with a big personality who did everything in a big way. He was illustrating the character with that purpose, but the seriousness was lost by the comedy of his descriptions. I didn't notice anyone else giving feedback on that scene, and my frank honesty might have been taken as rudeness. I was relieved that it seems he did not take offense.

One thing I learned more clearly from this exercise is this: Some people read and absorb. They take the book at face value. They skip anything that is awkward; they really don't even notice that they are doing it. I don't do that. If something pulls me out of the chapter or the scene, I notice it. An awkward sentence or a misplace semicolon is like a slap in the face. In this venue, I had the opportunity to say something about it. I also realized that I know more about writing than I thought I did. I hope that it gives me a little more confidence in my abilities.

P.S.
Thank you, Ronald, for your suggestion. I will check out the site you recommended.

Another Scene

2009-09-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

I wrote another scene for my book and let my coworker read it. She was impressed. I know that she will not give me constructive criticism, but I appreciate the encouragement. Later, I can seek the criticism and see if I can handle it. For now, I need the motivation to keep going.

I have begun to look at creating the book as putting together a series of scenes. Each scene is a block that will build the book. Within each scene is also smaller blocks, which I became clearly aware of when I had to figure out how to add an important person to a scene that I had already written. I know what plot I want to explore. I know where I want the story to end. I need to figure out how to get there. What scenes do I need to make my point?

I explored the concept of an outline. It may sound silly, but I never quite understood how to make an outline. I’ve always been an intuitive writer, so I felt that if I knew that much about it (whatever the subject) why didn’t I just write it? And if I didn’t know what I was going to write, how would I put THAT into an outline? I read a few articles about outlines, but I didn’t find them very illuminating.

So first, I had to figure out what scenes I needed. So I did a little bit of brainstorming. I don’t have an outline yet, but I do have a pretty good list, and some new ideas.

I find that writing scenes and thinking about the character leads to new ideas. The blocks you build with are very dynamic. I wrote a scene that introduced a number of the main characters -- here’s the conflict, here’s the love interest, here’s the “bad guy.” What I realized was that I hadn’t made the heroine real yet. She is the focus character and we will see through her eyes. At the same time, she is not a shell for us. She needs to have her own hopes, dreams, fears.

I LOVE the “bad guy.” I feel that I know her better than the heroine, and that gives me pause. I need a scene about my heroine that allows the reader to feel her. While I was thinking about that, I came up with a couple of the needed pieces to the puzzle. It felt so good to see it so clearly!

I am very excited about this project. I’ve always thought “I’d like to write a book.” I’ve read awful books and thought, “I could definitely do better than that.” But I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know what to write. When I figured out what I wanted to write, I still didn’t know how to put it together. I am afraid I will not be original. My friend pointed out that “all things have already been done; nothing is original.” It is about the journey.

At this point, I am not thinking about how I’m going to sell the book. Commercialism has always stifled my creativity. Once I have a completed manuscript, I’ll figure out what to do.

I Shouldn't Have

2009-09-25T20:51:00.001-07:00

I got a “chain text” from D. It’s a lion hugging a lamb, and it says “I Luvs Ya.” The text says: “Hey I better get this back. I love you like a monkey loves bananas. Today is best friends day. Send this to all your friends no matter how much you talk to them.” Obviously written by someone other than him. Cute, but a little offensive to receive from him, considering everything we’ve been through.

I sent back, “I don’t do chain-mail, but I think you know how I feel about you” I didn’t get a reply.

I don’t do chain mails. Anyone who has ever sent me one knows it will break with me. This new thing, chain texts, is just as stupid. And this particular one felt so unnecessary. It wasn’t personal. He grabbed a list of people from his address book and I just happened to be on it. Every once in awhile I get upset by how little I actually mean to him. This is like rubbing salt in a wound. He tells me what I want to hear, but doesn’t mean it in the way I want him to mean it.

I shouldn’t have, but I called him this morning. He was sitting with the baby while L was out.

I guess I was just lonely. I am obsessive, and once something starts, it is hard for me to stop. A notion got into my head, and I just would not leave it alone. It seemed easier to talk to him, to quiet the voice. I knew it would give me some peace for awhile. And it did.

I talked to him about the cats a little bit, and about WoW. He’s not playing WoW much because he’s so busy. He is playing the Facebook apps, though. He wants me to, but I refuse. I played the MySpace apps for awhile, but they were repetitive and quickly boring. I would think that these are the same. One of the things he likes about them is that he can walk away easily if he needs to or stop at any point. I would rather do things in WoW, even if that is just fishing and running my auctions. There are things you can do that do not get you killed if you need to leave the computer for several minutes.

He said he had no stamina. L blew him, and he just couldn’t hold out. He came too quickly.

“I guess I won’t be seeing you for awhile,” I said. I know! I shouldn’t have said it. Maybe it was my way of asking for it, or my way of seeing if he ever planned to do it again. You know, just to be sure.

He said to give it to the end of next week, and when L is working and he’s got the baby, he’ll come see me. He said that it will be like being a virgin again. “Oh my God, pussy!”

I laughed. “I expect you to beat off before you see me,” I said. “So you can last a little longer.”

This is why I sometimes give up. I want this, I don’t want this, I fight her, I let her take control. Why fight it? Why not just accept that this is the way it is, the way it will always be? I know that when I get it, it is not going to be enough. I know that I will feel jealous and deprived. I know I will feel marginalized and cast aside. All I want is to be loved. Why do I keep wanting HIM to love me? Why does it have to be HIM?

I stopped going to my therapist. I got to a point where I didn’t feel like I was making progress. I didn’t have anything new to tell her. I pretty much know what I have to do. Off and on, I’m doing it. I think I know what steps I need to take to be happy. Right now, I’m coasting. I don’t feel like making a decision or taking decisive action. I am probably in a bit of a funk. But it’s not ALL funky.

I haven’t worked on my book much. Today, I did look at more resources. I think the book is a decisive thing. It takes commitment, planning, and creativity. But it puts me in my head, and I wonder if that is a good thing. I’ve become so self-centered that it is hard for me to create characters. I did make some strides in that regard though. I WILL do this. It is just a matter of time. I’ve always said I wanted to, but I never said I “will.”